


To Speak

by AlwaysAmused



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Because that's all I can apparently write, Depression, Forced Healing, Gen, Genderfluid Loki, Intersex Loki, Kidnapping, Loki Needs a Hug, Loki Sees a Therapist, Loki doesn't want a therapist, Loki maybe gets a hug later on, Loki says hurtful things, Loki-centric, Mental Health Issues, Odin is kind of a dick, Panic Attacks, Sensory Overload, Suicidal Thoughts, The whole Odinson family needs a therapist tbh, Therapy, but at least he's trying, intersex jotnar, mentions of torture, ze/zim/zir pronouns
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2018-04-13 13:01:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 58,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4523085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlwaysAmused/pseuds/AlwaysAmused
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>With his strength, he pulled the spear up, just as Loki let go. He reached down and grabbed his brother's wrist, heart pounding in his chest as Loki twisted, trying to get out of his grasp as Odin pulled them up.</em>
</p>
<p>Loki doesn't fall and Odin makes him see a therapist per Eir's suggestion. Lots of angst for everyone. Updates rarely, but I plan on seeing it to the end! Unbeta'd.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.

Thor could see what Loki was going to do. He could see it in his brother's eyes, could see it the moment the “No” had come from Odin, still holding on to Thor's leg from the Bifrost.

With his strength, he pulled the spear up, just as Loki let go. He reached down and grabbed his brother's wrist, heart pounding in his chest as Loki twisted, trying to get out of his grasp as Odin pulled them up.

The moment Thor was back on the Bifrost, he put Gungnir down and Odin reached over the edge again, both of them pulling him up as Loki continued to try and get away. Odin only dragged Loki away from the edge, Thor putting his arms around him to secure him.

At last, Loki stopped fighting, falling limp with a shudder. Thor held him tighter, heart still pounding with fear. He swallowed and Odin watched them, on his knees beside them, looking utterly exhausted.

They sat in silence, all three of them, until Odin got to his feet. Thor looked up at him and swallowed at the furious look in Odin's eyes.

“Father-” He started, but silenced himself when Odin glared. He then turned his eyes back to Loki.

“Don't you _ever_ do that again,” he said, voice trembling in rage. “Do you understand boy?”

Loki didn't reply. He was slumped against Thor, boneless, eyes staring at the edge of the Bifrost. Odin stood in front of him, getting to one knee before him. “Loki,” he said, voice sharp. “I asked you a question and I expect it answered.”

Loki blinked, once, then twice, tears beginning to fall. But when he spoke, it was with a practiced steadiness, even if his voice sounded tight, “Yes, sir.”

“Yes, _what_?”

“I-” Loki stopped short. “I underst-stand.” His voice broke and he stopped before adding “Sir.”

Odin nodded and he rose to his feet. “Come,” he said, walking to where Sleipnir was waiting. “We're going back.”

Thor stood, pulling Loki to his feet and keeping a firm grasp on his elbow as they followed Odin.

* * *

They met Frigga halfway, several Einherjar following behind. She stopped and slid off her horse rushing over to where Thor and Loki stood, embracing both of them as they approached.

“Oh, Norns, I was so worried!” She said, squeezing them before standing back, cupping Loki's face in her hands. “Are you hurt?” She asked, looking from him to Thor.

“No, Mother,” Thor assured her, voice low. “We are well.”

Frigga turned to look at Odin. “Odin?” She said, voice tilted up with an unspoken question.

“Later,” he said. “I will explain later.”

She hesitated, glancing back at her sons, Loki's eyes turned back to the ground. “Very well,” she said. “Lead on.”

* * *

When they reached the palace, Odin placed a hand on Loki's shoulder. “Thor, go with your mother,” he said and left no room for argument as he led Loki away.

Loki continued to stare at the ground, unsure of where he was being led until he heard the sounds of the healing rooms. He blinked and looked up to see Eir hurrying towards them.

“Odin,” she said. “What has happened?”

“Somewhere private, please,” Odin said in a low voice. Eir nodded and led the way to one of the private rooms, closing the door behind them. Odin made Loki sit on the bed and Eir stood, hands clasped in front of her.

“We've told Loki of his heritage,” Odin said. Loki flinched and Eir's eyes flickered to him before returning to Odin. “He took it badly.”

Eir 's eyes went back to Loki and she said “How badly?”

When Loki didn't reply, Odin explained what had just happened.

“He has been king for exactly two days,” Odin said. “I fell asleep immediately after telling him of Jotunheim and in that time he has sent the Destroyer after Thor, put Frigga and myself in danger, killed Laufey, and attempted to destroy the whole of Jotunheim. When that failed, he and Thor were dangling over the edge of the broken Bifrost and tried to let go.”

Eir watched Odin for a few moments, then looked at Loki.

“Allfather, please leave.”

Odin frowned. “What?”

“Remove yourself from the vicinity,” she said. “Leave. You are angry and upset and that will not help me treat Loki.”

Odin clenched his jaw. “I'm looking for  _answers_ , Eir.”

“And I understand that,” she said. “Now leave.”

“Eir—”

“I will not have you upsetting my patient, Allfather,” Eir said. “Go. Loki is in good hands and you haven't slept for nearly long enough. I say this as your healer that you need to leave, get some rest, and calm down before I permit you to see Loki again.”

Odin clenched his fists, staring at Eir for all of a minute before sighing and relentring. “Fine,” he said. “I will return in the morning.”

Eir sighed but walked him to the door of the room, opening it and letting him out. She closed it and went to Loki's bedside, sitting in the chair and crossing one leg over the other, hands in her lap.

“Loki, there is someone I would like for you to talk to,” she said. “A very gifted healer and a personal friend of mine. He's a good man and I think, if you cooperated, he would be able to help you.”

Loki blinked, tears beginning to fall again. She waited a moment longer, and when he said nothing, she sighed, standing and walking towards the cabinet on the other side of the room, taking out a white tunic and trousers, folding them and walking back. “Please change into this,” she said. “You're staying here for at least the night.”

As she turned to leave, she heard Loki say quietly “What if I say no? To this... healer?”

Eir paused and turned back. “Prince Loki,” she said. “You are an adult. If you do not wish to be treated, then we cannot treat you.”

“I'm not sick,” he said, looking up at her. Eir hummed and walked back.

“This isn't a physical illness, Loki,” she said, as gentle as she could be. “This is a... _different_ sort of illness that very few healers are trained to heal.”

Loki looked up at her. “Do you think— Are you saying I'm insane? I'm not insane!”

He stood and Eir raised her eyebrows. “I never said that, my prince,” she said. “Calm yourself. However, the urge to fall into the Void does not come from nothing.” Loki flinched and sat down.

Eir placed a hand on his shoulder. “Many people speak to a mental healer, myself included at times. If you would like my professional opinion, I think you would benefit from seeing this healer.”

Loki swallowed. “What... How does it work?”

Eir considered and sat down again. “Mental illnesses are treated in various ways. The mind is a delicate thing, one of the reasons mind control is illegal in most Realms. It cannot be treated  _just_ with spells or potions.

“As often as you deem necessary, you will meet with this healer and talk. It can be about anything or anyone. The conversations are strictly confidential between the healer and the patient.”

“Could you... Could you explain?” Loki asked, hesitant.

“Whatever you tell your healer, he will keep confidential unless he has written permission from you to tell another person,” she said. Loki snorted humorlessly.

“Odin would never allow that,” he muttered.

“Perhaps he will request updates on your healing,” Eir agreed. “But you are an adult. Your healer will not be allowed to relay anything you tell him to Odin whatsoever.”

Loki looked down at his hands. “This healer... What is his name?”

“Evyn Dolrson,” she replied. Loki said nothing and she placed a hand on his knee. “Think about it,” she said. “I don't require an answer at once. And remember, this won't heal you overnight. It won't be easy. But unless the Allfather legally files that you are incapable of making your own decisions, or sentences you to it, you may leave at any time.”

Loki nodded and Eir stood. “Stay the night. If you do not wish to see Odin in the morning, I will keep him from seeing you.”

“Thank you,” Loki said. “Good night.”

Eir smiled and walked to the door. “Good night, my prince,” she said and slipped out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heya, guys! I know I haven't posted anything in a while, but life happened. I HAVE been editing "Born of Ice, Raised with Ice," but again, life gets in the way and I had to get this idea down.
> 
> And since I wrote it down, I figured I may as well post it. Just remember that this is COMPLETELY unedited and unbetaed. If there are mistakes, let me know.
> 
> ALSO: This fic will deal mostly with mental illness, mainly depression and anxiety. I have anxiety, but depression is a grey area for me (so if I have it, it's not diagnosed). Therefore I'm doing my research to make this as accurate as possible, but if there's something you'd like to add, let me know in the comments.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki's still suicidal and says some regrettable things to Odin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel.

Loki found no sleep that night, though he felt exhausted. The closest he came to it was dozing off, somewhere in that realm on the edge of sleep, images flitting before his eyes before jolting awake again, mind wandering for a while before returning.

On the other hand, he found he had no desire to get up or do anything else. He sighed and turned over, though he was comfortable enough. He had spent enough time in the healing room beds as a child to have gotten used to them. The sterile white sheets, the white walls, the tile floors. The rooms were as familiar to him as his own hall in the Royal Halls.

_No, Loki_.

He squeezed his eyes shut and buried his face into the pillow, trying to force the thought away. He wondered what would happen next and curled up, pulling the blankets over his head. _I want to die,_ he thought, not for the first time that evening. _I want to die, I want to die, I want to die, I want to die_...

He blinked and sighed, thinking back to what Eir had said about the healer. Well, he didn't have to go, he considered. He could always stop.

He sighed, unsure of what to do. Unsure of what he wanted to do.

_I want to die,_ he thought again and huffed, wishing he had asked Eir for a sleeping potion before she'd left.

It was a long night.

* * *

Despite what Eir had expected, it was not Odin who tried to visit Loki the next morning, but Frigga. Eir raised her eyebrows and said “Good morning, my Queen. Here to see Loki?”

“I am,” Frigga said, voice tight. She had been crying, Eir noticed. She was wringing her hands. Eir nodded.

“Let me check on him,” she said. “I don't know if he's awake yet. Where is Odin?”

“Asleep still,” Frigga said. “He woke prematurely from his last Sleep. He told me about what happened last night.” She hesitated and Eir placed a hand on her shoulder.

“I'll check on Loki,” she said and gave Frigga a small smile before retreating.

As it turned out, Loki was sleeping. The boy had rings under his eyes that made Eir wonder when the last time he'd slept was. She sighed and left again, closing the door behind her and returning to Frigga.

“He is asleep,” she said.

“Thank you,” Frigga said and left. Eir sighed and returned to her duties.

* * *

Loki awoke late in the morning, surprised that he'd fallen asleep. He sat up and looked around, seeing a basin of clean, possibly warm water and soap on the bedside, along with a tray of breakfast. A change of clean clothes sat on the chair next to the bed.

Loki washed and dressed first, not feeling very hungry. He drank the tea that came with it and nibbled on half a piece of toast when Eir walked in. “Good morning, Loki,” she said. “How do you feel?”

Loki looked down t the toast he'd been nibbling on and put it back on the plate. “Decidedly _not_ hungry,” he mumbled. “And... Not my best,” he admitted. He pulled his knees up to his chest, then rest his cheek on them. “How many other know about... me?” He asked.

“You mean your heritage?” Eir asked. Loki cringed, but nodded. She sat on the bed. “Not many people,” she told him. “Odin, Frigga, myself, and three of Frigga's attendants, all of us sworn to secrecy.”

“But surely the court suspects something?” Loki pressed. “That I'm not- That I-”

“It was brought up when you were a babe,” Eir said, nodding. “Rumors flew about, but I think one of the more popular rumors was that Odin had adopted you from a fallen warrior during the war. The rumors died out long before you grew old enough to understand them. The Allfather claimed you as his, no one was going to disagree or protest.”

Loki swallowed. “And was there any other intention meant for me?”

“Not that I was aware of, no,” Eir said, shaking her head. “When I met you for the first time, you were a small babe. Odin introduced you to me as his son.” She looked at Loki. “Whatever intentions he may have originally had for you, he had disregarded them shortly after returning to Asgard.”

Loki nodded and said nothing for a few moments. Eir prodded and said “Have you thought about the treatment option we discussed last night?”

“I... have considered it,” he said. “I would... I think...” He hesitated.

“You need not make a decision this very moment, Eir reminded him. “It is alright to come back and discuss it further with me.”

Loki nodded as there was a knock at the door. Eir sighed and got up, walking to the door and slipping out. He watched the door until Eir came back in, sighing. “Loki, your father is outside,” she said. “Would you like to see him?”

Loki bit his cheek. _Logically_ , he knew it would be better to get this over with as soon as possible. On the other hand...

“No,” he whispered. “Not yet. Please.”

“Very well,” she said and stepped out again. When she came back in again she walked over and felt his forehead, then his cheeks. “You could do with a little more sleep, I think. How did you sleep last night?”

“Not... Not my most restful,” he admitted, looking away. She hummed and took a potion out of her pocket. “Drink this,” she said. “Sleep. You may spend another night here. But Loki,” she added before she left, taking the breakfast tray with her. “I advise you to face your problems soon, rather than letting them catch up with you.”

Loki nodded, fingering the vial of potion. “Thank you, Eir,” he murmured and she left. He laid back down, unscrewed the vial, and drank the potion inside. He had just enough time to screw the top back on, and place the vial on the bedside table before falling asleep.

* * *

When Loki next woke, it was dark. Ten o'clock, or so, he supposed, judging by the time he fell asleep. There was a try of supper sitting on his bedside, but he still wasn't feeling particularly hungry. He picked at it, nibbling on some of the vegetables. He felt guilty for not being that hungry, and felt like he should eat _something_. He forced himself to eat the vegetables and drink the water that had come with it before getting up to use the bathroom.

When he was returning to his room, he paused and hid, seeing Odin and Eir.

“I _must_ see him, Eir,” the Allfather said. “He needs to understand what he has done, he needs to be—”

“Loki understands what he has done, my King,” Eir interrupted. “How many times must I repeat myself? He is not _well_.”

“Then put him on treatment!” Odin insisted. “I demand he be put—”

“Loki is an adult,” Eir said, crossing her arms. “As such, he has the legal right to refuse treatment.”

“And you _want_ him to?” Odin asked. Eir sighed.

“Of course I do not. As a healer, I wish to see Loki return to health, however, if he does not grant us permission to treat him, there is very little I can do.”

Odin sighed. “Is there _any_ way I can force him to decide?” He asked.

“Not if you wish to keep the sliver of trust he has in you,” Eir said. Odin's lips thinned. Loki slipped back to his room and curled up on the bed until Eir came in.

“Loki, your father is here again,” she said.

Loki nodded. “I'll see him.”

Eir raised her eyebrows, but didn't reply. She left and returned with Odin. She looked at Loki and said “I'll be out here.”

Loki nodded and sat up in the bed as she shut the door. He then turned and looked at Odin, who was giving him a piercing look. Loki knew the look; he and Thor had long ago agreed that it made them feel like he could see into their very souls. Loki stared back blankly, not giving anything away.

“Do you realize,” Odin asked, “what you have done?”

Loki said nothing, refusing to look down or away.

“Then why don't I tell you?” He continued and began to pace. “You were King for exactly two days. In that time, you sent the Destroyer after your brother and friends, destroying a small Midgardian village. You put your mother and I in danger, killed Laufey, _demolished_ the Bifrost... For _what_?” Odin stopped in front of the bed, anger shining through. “Did I not punish Thor for doing nearly _the exact same thing_? And I'm willing to believe in this moment that you let the jotnar into Asgard during Thor's coronation as well. So what,” Odin said, voice raising, “ _what_ could have _possibly_ been going through your _head_?”

Loki let out a humorless laugh. “You don't know? Truly?”

Odin blinked at him, eye narrowing. “What do you mean?” He asked.

Loki considered Odin for a moment before standing. “I'm done,” he said and walked do the door. “That's it. I give up.”

“What are— I am not done talking to you, boy,” Odin growled, standing in front of the door, crossing his arms.

“You never listen, do you? You never _see_ ,” Loki said. “If you don't know what, then perhaps you should have _paid more attention_.”

He shoved past Odin and out the door. Odin grabbed the back of his collar and pulled him back into the room, closing the door. “Explain.” He said, crossing his arms as Loki huffed. “ _Now_.”

“Why? Are you going to _listen_?” Loki mocked, crossing his arms to mirror Odin.

“I always listen,” Odin said.

“You _never_ listen!” Loki hissed. “And I'm done wasting my time to make you hear. I'm done trying to make you see because if you haven't by now, then it's a lost cause. Move.”

“No,” Odin said. “We're going to figure this out now.”

“There _is_ nothing to figure out!” Loki shouted.

“You tried to die!” Odin shouted back. “You tried to die and I want to know _why that is_ , Loki!”

“You want a reason? I'll give you a reason.” Loki walked up to Odin and looked him in the eye. “I'd be better off dead than with you for a father.”

He regretted the words the instant they left him, but there was no taking them back. Odin's shock shone through and Loki stood tall. “Let me out,” he said, voice flat. Odin moved and he opened the door, leaving it open behind him as he fled from the healing rooms, shame clawing at his stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to say, I'm quite pleased with the response this got! Thanks to everyone who gave kudos/left a comment!
> 
> I've decided that, so I don't run out of motivation, every day I write a new chapter, I post a new chapter. This chapter was kind of a walnut to write, I don't think I've ever made Loki say something quite that mean before. But at least it got rolling again.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor tries to talk to Loki and Loki makes a choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.

Loki returned to his hall, walking through the rooms until he reached the one with his bed, collapsing into it and unmoving for a few moments. He then rolled onto his side and curled up, pulling the comforter around him.

He and Thor each had their own hall in the Royal Wings, with rooms to do whatever they wished. Loki barely distinguished between his rooms; they all had books and at least one place to sit, with various trinkets and things scattered around.

It wasn't long before there was a timid knock at his door. Loki sighed and opened his eyes halfway, pursing his lips until the knock came again, a little louder this time. He closed his eyes again, burying his face into the comforter again as he heard the door creak open.

“Loki?” He heard Thor's voice come, unusually hesitant. “Loki, may I speak with you?”

Loki didn't reply, keeping his face buried. He heard he shuffle of feet. “Loki? Are... Are you awake?” When Loki still refused to reply, Thor sighed and closed the door behind him, walking over to the bed and doing nothing. Loki felt the prickle of eyes upon him and he curled up tighter, sighing.

“Go 'way,” he mumbled.

“No,” Thor said and Loki could almost _hear_ him crossing his arms. “Not until we talk. Get up.”

Loki ignored him and Thor sighed, sitting next to the bed. “Mother and Father told me about you being adopted. That was all. They said the rest was yours to tell?”

“And so you assume I'll gladly tell you?” Loki mumbled to himself. Thor frowned.

“Sorry, what?”

Loki sighed again and lifted his face a bit, opening an eye to glare. “So? What do you want?”

Thor shifted in his chair. “The rest of the story.”

“Mm.” Loki closed his eye. “Mine to tell, huh? I'm not in a telling mood.”

Thor glared. “You tried to kill me! You tried to kill our friends! They've been punished, by the way, for disobeying your orders—”

“Wait, what?” Loki sat up at that, blinking. “They _were_?”

Thor huffed. “Yes. Fandral, Volstagg, and Sif were stripped of their warrior status. All of them, save for Volstagg have been banished from the palace. As soon as the Bifrost is rebuilt, they're sending Hogun back to Vanaheim. The only reason Volstagg gets to stay is because he has family who works here and Father would not send him away from his family. Heimdall is suspended from his duties as well.”

Loki blinked at him again, taking this in. “I was not informed,” he said at last and settled back down. “That's good.”

“Good? _Good_? Have you lost your mind?” Thor snapped, standing.

“Possibly, yes,” Loki replied, closing his eyes. “But what did they expect? With you gone, I needed them to help prepare for war. They chose instead to abandon their posts and commit their second act of treason in three days. For all I knew, they planned to bring you back to Asgard and overthrow me, which would have been their third act of treason.” Loki looked up at Thor. “You know the cost of treason as well as I do, Thor. Why do you think I sent the Destroyer?”

“They are your _friends_!” Thor hissed.

“No,” Loki said, closing his eyes. “They are _your_ friends. How many times must I tell you? They are not loyal to me, _never_ to me. They chose to turn against me as their King and I acted accordingly.”

“So Asgard was the _only_ thing on your mind when you shot at me?” Thor said, raising a skeptical eyebrow and crossing his arms.

Loki huffed and sat up, crossing his legs. “What do you want me to say?” He said. “We were on the brink of war, Thor. You were gone. The Allfather was gone. Mother was by his side. The Warriors Three and Sif left to try and overthrow my rule. _I had no one_ ,” Loki hissed. “No one to consult with, no one to _help_ me, not _one damn person_ and so I did what I could to end it.”

“You tried to destroy Jotunheim!” Thor said.

“As did you, not even a week past,” Loki shot back. “I set a trap for Laufey and he was fool enough to fall into it. War ended, no casualties save for him and his party.”

“So you resorted to your tricks like a coward!” Thor snapped.

“What would you have had me do?” Loki shouted. “March into Jotunheim and attack? Like _you_ did? No, Thor, I used my damn _head_ instead of brute force, as I always have done. There were no Asgardian casualties. No children without their fathers, no widows, no bloodshed.”

“It was not _honorable_ ,” Thor replied, fists clenched by his sides.

“There is no honor in a war,” Loki said. “Every rule of honor gets thrown out the door when war is involved. I fight dirty and without mercy because that is what I expect my enemy to do.”

“You were ruthless,” Thor said. “You _stabbed him in the back_ -”

“I _am_ ruthless,” Loki said flatly, “to anyone who threatens my home.”

“You _invited_ him in!” Thor protested.

“With the intention to kill him,” Loki replied. “It is a game of cat and mouse, Thor. I knew the risks of my decision. I knew the consequences should I fail. I knew the unlikeliness of Laufey's success.”

“How did you even convince him to come?” Thor asked. “Surely he is not _that_ much of an idiot.”

Loki grinned, all teeth and malice. “I'm a good actor, Thor,” he replied. “I've been acting for years, fooling everyone, even _you_ , for _years_. Go ahead and call me a coward, Thor, but people call me much worse, and they never have the courage to say it to my face.”

Loki stood and walked to the door, opening it. “I know what you think of me. I know what everyone thinks of me. But you know nothing, Thor. I promise, you know _nothing_.”

Thor sighed, approaching. “Loki, I did not mean-”

“Yes,” Loki said. “I rather think you did. Get out.”

Thor placed a hand on Loki's shoulder. “I do not know what your argument with me is, brother,” he said. “But I hope you tell me.”

Loki gave a low laugh. “If you do not know, then you're as blind as I anticipated.”

* * *

Loki was summoned to Odin's study that evening. He dreaded the event, but went anyway; one did not ignore a summon.

And so it was he stood in front of the wooden doors, hesitating to knock. He sighed and shook his head. It was better to get this over with as soon as possible. He knocked three times and waited for the doors to open.

He slipped into the room, Odin still absorbed in what he was writing, looking up only long enough to wave a hand at the door, shutting it.

“Sit,” he said. Loki approached the table and sat in one of the chair opposite, crossing one leg over the other. Odin finished whatever it was he was doing before looking up. “Loki,” he said. “Did you let the jotnar into Asgard during Thor's coronation?”

“Yes,” Loki said.

“Why?”

“Because he was not ready to be King.”

Odin nodded. “As you told me several months ago.” He sighed and ran a hand over his face. “You were right, too. However, what you did _was_ against the law. But,” he added, “I'll give you a choice.”

Loki narrowed his eyes. “I'm listening,” he said.

“You can either face whatever sentence I give,” Odin said. “Or, you set to getting better.”

“What would the conditions be?” Loki asked, crossing his arms. Odin nodded.

“You would see the healer Eir advised you to see twice a week,” he said. “If you cannot make your appointment, then we will reschedule. You would eat with the rest of us once a day unless you state a reason otherwise. If you leave the palace grounds, you will inform someone and take an escort, you are forbidden from leaving the Realm until you are deemed ready by your healer. No exceptions. You would be forbidden from the Vault.”

Loki considered. “And what would the punishment be?” He asked.

“You would help rebuild the Bifrost,” Odin said. “You would have an escort at all times and limited use of your magic. You would be confined to your hall when you do not wish to have an escort.”

“And who would this... ' _escort_ ' be?” Loki asked.

“An Einherjar, Thor, or your mother,” Odin replied. “Depending on the circumstances.”

Loki sighed. There was really only one option. “When do I meet with the healer?” He asked in a bored tone.

“You start in two days, when he arrives from Alfheim,” Odin said. “From there you will see him on Wednesdays and Saturdays at noon.”

Loki nodded. “Anything else, sir?”

“No,” Odin said. “You are dismissed.”

Loki stood and bowed slightly before turning to leave. He paused at the door and turned back to see that Odin had gone back to his writing. Loki chewed on his lip for a moment.

“Yes, Loki?” Odin said, glancing up. Loki flushed.

“Nothing, sir,” he mumbled and slipped through the door, making his way back to his hall.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah. I don't have much to add, really. Thanks to everyone who left comments/kudos! Comments give me new ideas and encouragement to keep posting!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaand we meet Healer Evyn for the first time. I pronounce it in my head as "EE-vine", but pronounce it as whatever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.
> 
> I do, however, own Evyn Dolrson, so please refrain from using without permission. Thank you.

Healer Evyn Dolrson was younger than Loki had been expecting. He had a pleasant, heart-shaped face and brown-sugar colored hair, pulled back to the base of his neck, a few loose strands pushed back behind his ear.

“Hello, Prince Loki,” he said, smiling as Loki walked in. “Have a seat.” He indicated the sofa across from him and stood. “Would you like a cup of tea?”

Loki hesitated. “No, thank you,” he said, sitting down and eyeing the room.

“Alright, then,” the man said. He poured himself a cup. “If you change your mind, let me know.”

Loki nodded and tapped his fingers against is knee. Healer Evyn took a seat across from him and stirred his tea. “As I understand it, this is your first time seeing my type of healer, correct?”

“It is,” Loki replied, eyes focused intently on the healer's left shoulder.

“Then there are some things you should be filled in on,” he said, placing his tea on the table next to him, taking up the documents instead. “Before we begin, I need you to sign these. Take as much time as you need. This is less of an official session so much as an introduction.”

Loki nodded and leaned forwards to accept the documents and pen.

“This is an agreement of confidentiality,” the healer explained. “I've already signed it, as you can see. This is a standard agreement. I cannot relay any information you give me to anyone outside this room, unless you give me written permission.”

“Not even to the Allfather?” Loki asked, looking up.

“Not even the Allfather,” Evyn nodded, picking his tea up again. “He has requested I inform him of your progress. But he will not be informed of what you tell me or what happens during our sessions unless you yourself wish to do so, or give me permission to do so. The only thing I _must_ tell him is if you tell me something that endangers yourself or others. But all this is in the contract,” he said and Loki looked back at it, eyes flickering over the pages several times to absorb all the information. Finally, Loki sighed and bent over the table, signing his name.

“Thank you,” the healer said. “This is your copy of the agreement,” he said, handing an identical copy over. Loki accepted it and put it in his pocket. The healer then sat back. “Now, I suppose we ought to begin,” he said, smiling. “You may call me whatever you like, be it Evyn, or Healer Dolrson. I have patients who call me 'Ev' as well.

“This is a safe place,” he continued. “You can say anything without fear of me repeating it to anyone else. But for this to work, I'll need your trust.”

Loki gave a mirthless grin. “I'm afraid I don't really _do_ 'trust,'” he said. The healer smiled and shrugged.

“Regardless,” he said. “I'll be honest to you as well. You may say whatever you wish. Our sessions will be an hour and a half. I have had sessions done completely in silence and as I understand it, you didn't exactly come _willingly_.”

Loki snorted. “Not exactly, no,” he agreed.

“Alright,” the healer said. “Would you mind if I asked you some questions?”

“Do I have a choice?” Loki asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Of course,” Evyn said and took a sip of tea. “As I say, this is a safe space. If you want me to stop doing something, tell me. Communication is key here.”

Loki nodded, jaw clenched. “Ask away, then,” he said, leaning back in his chair.

“Alright,” the healer said, smiling again. “What would you like me to address you as?”

“Loki is fine,” Loki replied.

“Loki, then,” Evyn said. “What are you interested in?”

“Magic,” Loki said.

“How did you start?”

Loki narrowed his eyes. “Why do you want to know?”

“I would like to get a feel for you,” he replied. “I do this with all patients.”

“Did Eir not tell you anything about me? Or Odin?” Loki asked, frowning.

“Eir told me that you were possibly suicidal and the Allfather explained to me the terms ot this...” He waved a hand. “Focusing on getting better, was it? Beyond that, I requested they tell me nothing.” Evyn placed his tea on the table. “I t is important tome to get my own, unbiased opinion of you. Eir may be your healer, but everyone views everything in a different way.”

“I see,” Loki said, nodding. “What do you know about me?”

“I know that you're the second Prince of Asgard,” Evyn said. “You were King for several days before the Allfather woke.”

“And I presume you've heard the rumors about me?” Loki asked. The healer smiled.

“I live in the country, Loki,” he said. “By the time rumors spread there, they are so skewed and twisted that they're more fantasy than truth.”

_He's intelligent, I'll give him that,_ Loki thought. He remained silent, considering the man. “I started practicing magic when I was about a century and a half years old, give or take a decade,” he said at last. “I found some books on it, thought it was interesting and taught myself a few simple spells.”

“What branches of magic do you prefer?” Evyn asked.

“I like to deal with illusions,” Loki said. “I mastered them early on.”

Evyn smiled. “What else do you like to do in your spare time?”

Loki chewed on his lip. “I like to read,” he said.

“What kinds of things do you like to read?” Evyn asked. Loki's lip twitched up.

“Books,” he replied. Evyn's smile grew.

“Clever,” the healer said, nodding. “What sorts of books?”

Loki hesitated. Was this some sort of joke? “It depends, sometimes,” he said, picking at an imaginary loose thread on his sleeve. “But usually I don't care what the topic is.” He paused again. “I like...” He hesitated and the healer waited. “I like knowledge,” Loki finished, feeling idiotic. “I like... discovering.”

Evyn nodded. “What's the most recent thing you've read?” He asked.

Loki shrugged again, looking at the floor. “It's not that interesting,” he admitted. “I don't even know why I—” He shrugged again. Why was he so nervous? Why was he even _saying_ any of this?

“Loki?” Evyn said. Loki blinked and glanced up. “You're in a safe place, alright? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. That's alright.”

Loki nodded, feeling like a child. He hated it.

“What's on your mind?” Evyn asked. “You look a bit far away.”

“Nothing,” Loki said. “I'm not— It's nothing.”

“Alright,” Evyn said, picking up his tea again. “Do you like music?”

“Some,” Loki replied. “Do you?”

“Oh, yes,” Evyn said, smiling again. “I love music. I don't play an instrument, I could never find the time. But I quite like listening.”

“I play a little piano,” Loki admitted. Evyn raised his eyebrows.

“A good choice,” he replied. “Did you teach yourself?”

Loki shrugged. “No, I had a teacher for a short while,” he said. “But I stopped when—” He paused and bit his cheek. Evyn said nothing and waited.

“Thor made fun of me, for playing,” Loki admitted. “He said it was too 'womanlike.'”

“But you still play?” Evyn asked. Loki nodded.

“Every now and then,” he replied.

“Do _you_ think it's womanlike?” Evyn asked. Loki hesitated.

“Yes,” he said, nodding.

“Why is that?” Evyn asked. “There have been famous pieces created by both men and women.”

“I know,” Loki said. “It's just... Not manly.”

“I see,” Evyn said. He laced his fingers in his lap. “What else isn't manly?”

“Magic,” Loki said immediately. “Not being able to fight. _Preferring_ not to fight, tricking people, lying, being dishonorable...” Loki shook his head. “The list goes on and on.”

“So not being able to fight is womanly?” Evyn asked.

“Yes,” Loki said. Evyn nodded.

“Loki, I'd like you to make a list of everything that's not manly,” he said. “Not this very minute,” he added. “But when something strikes you, write it down. Next to it, I want you to write _why_ it's not manly.”

“Why?” Loki frowned. “I don't understand.”

“Well,” Evyn said. “You've just told me that not being able to fight is unmanly and thus womanly. Why is that?”

“Because—” Loki huffed. “Because it's true! Women tend to like battle less than men!”

“And why is that a bad thing?” Evyn asked, tilting his head. Loki remained quiet. Evyn took a sip of tea. “In my mind,” he said, pulling the cup away from his lips, “there is nothing wrong with being a woman. Most are surprised that I am a man. I've been insulted for it, I've been called weak. This is, traditionally, a woman's job.” He placed his cup down. “Things got easier when I realized that there's nothing wrong with being a woman.”

“Well, of course there's not,” Loki said, frowning.

“Then why are so called 'womanlike' traits looked down upon, yet 'manly' ones respected?” Evyn asked, raising an eyebrow. Loki didn't reply, looking down and flushing.

“I don't know,” he mumbled. Evyn smiled.

“That's alright,” the healer said. “And you don't have to keep a list if you don't like,” he added. “That was only to get you thinking.”

Loki nodded. Evyn leaned forwards. “Loki, you are young,” he said. “And from what I've seen, you're intelligent. There are things that won't make sense now, but will later. We never stop learning, it's just a part of life.”

“I know,” Loki muttered. “It's just— People don't _get_ it!” he said. “Magic isn't just— It's not just _tricks_ ,” he said. “It's all sorts of things! It's power, it's _strength_ , it's what I'm _good_ at!”

“And that's why you use it,” Evyn said, nodding. “Everyone has their own strengths and their own flaws. It's what makes us people.”

Loki sighed. “IS there something wrong with me?” He asked. “People keep telling me I'm— I'm _ill_. I don't feel ill,” he added under his breath.

“How _do_ you feel?” Evyn asked. Loki's eyes flickered around the room.

“Time's up,” he said, standing. Evyn turned to look at the clock.

“Ah! How time flies,” Evyn said, smiling as he stood. “It was good to meet you, Loki,” he said, walking him to the door. “I'll see you next time.”

Loki nodded and left, starting to make his way towards his hall, but stopped and instead walked into the gardens, thinking hard and feeling very much like his brain had been picked at.

He felt like he was probably right.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there he is! I don't have much to say about this chapter, but if there are any questions or remarks, comment them below! Thank you to everyone who commented and left kudos!


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki makes a plan and Thor tries to take him in an outing.
> 
> Both fail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.  
> Claimer: I own Evyn Dolrson. Don't use him without permission.

_Patient L-O_

_Patient appears to have some form of insecurity, possibly stemming from older sibling, and an unwillingness (reluctance?) to talk about passions (scolded for them?). Doesn't like to make eye-contact. Possible form of anxiety?_

There was a knock at the door, causing Evyn to look up from his file.

“Come in,” he called and went back to the writing.

_Will continue sessions to conform suspicions_.

He put his pen down and closed the file, looking up to see Odin walk in. He smiled. “Hello, Allfather,” he greeted. “What can I do for you?”

“Did Loki come?” Odin asked, looking around the room.

“He did,” Evyn said, raising his eyebrows a bit.

“And what is your impression of him?” Odin asked, gazing down at him.

Evyn hesitated, tilting his head to the side. “Nervous,” he said. “But I was expecting that.”

“And did you two speak?” Odin asked.

“There was talking involved, yes,” he replied, crossing one leg over the other. “You know there is only so much I can tell you, Allfather.”

“And do you think he is ill?” Odin said, ignoring the last statement. Evyn sighed.

“At this point, Allfather, I cannot tell,” he said. “I've only just met him.”

Odin nodded. “I thank you again for coming in at such short notice,” he said.

“My pleasure, Allfather,” Evyn said, picking up his file and sticking his pen behind his ear. “I'm glad I happened to be on Asgard before the Bifrost collapsed.”

“How long do you think it's going to take to cure him?” Odin asked. Evyn raised an eyebrow, walking to the door.

“It depends on the person and the damage done, really,” he said. “It's impossible to tell how long it'll take. Sometimes progress may seem like you're going backwards in the process. It's all a normal part of healing.”

“Would you prescribe any medications to Loki?” Odin asked.

“Not at the present time, no,” Evyn replied. He stopped and turned. “Allfather, I am a healer, not a miracle worker. Sometimes the symptoms of various illnesses never full go away and can only be lessened.”

“So Loki may remain the way he is forever?” Odin said, face carefully neutral.

“I didn't say that,” Evyn sighed. “As I say, it's impossible to tell. The healing process is unpredictable, especially if the patient is unsure what 'normal' feels like.”

Odin nodded. “Very well,” he said. “I expect a progress report next month.”

“Understood, Your Majesty,” Evyn sighed and Odin walked off.

* * *

Loki was sitting in the library, cross-legged at the window seat, flipping the pages slowly and drinking up the words.

He'd been there for a while, several books stacked up on either side of him, one stack of books he hadn't read yet, the other of books he'd already read. He was halfway through the fifth book from his original stack when he heard Thor call from somewhere near the entrance “Loki? Brother?”

Loki sighed and continued through the book. Thor found him a few minutes later. “ _There_ you are,” he said. “You're late for dinner.”

Loki didn't look up, pretending to be too absorbed in the book to hear anything else. He flipped the page, blinking.

“Loki?”

“Hmm?” He continued to read.

“You're supposed to be at dinner,” Thor repeated. “You're late.”

Loki blinked and looked up, frowning. “How long have you been standing there?” He asked, just to piss Thor off. As predicted, Thor huffed.

“Dinner, Loki,” he said once more. “You're _late_.”

“Ah.” Loki placed a bookmark in his book and closed it. “What time is it?”

“Half past seven,” Thor said as they walked to the dining hall. “Father isn't pleased.”

Loki didn't bother to say that Odin wasn't his father. Or that he wasn't Thor's brother. They went into the dining room and took their seats, Odin giving them a Look. Loki ignored it and poked at his food for a while.

Dinner was always an awkward affair. He hardly spoke to Odin or Thor as it was and Frigga was the only one he actively recognized as family. Besides that, he was very rarely hungry. Sometimes he didn't eat the rest of the day just so he could eat _something_ at dinner.

This didn't work as expected, seeing as he _still wasn't hungry_. He ate anyway when Frigga noted he wasn't eating and said that perhaps he should talk to Evyn about it. He rolled his eyes. His thoughts had returned to his first session often the past day.

It wasn't that he didn't like the healer, except perhaps the fact that he _smiled too damn much_ , but more the fact that Loki didn't want to go to the sessions in the first place. Loki had considered going and staying silent the next time, for the whole session, just to see what would happen.

 _Yes,_ he thought. _That sounds like a good plan_. He thought about it until dessert, when he was finally able to excuse himself and go back to the library.

* * *

“So, Loki, how've you been?” Evyn said, smiling when Loki walked in. Loki didn't reply and sat on the sofa.

Evyn's eyes followed him. “Tea?” He offered. Loki shook his head and crossed his arms, leaning back.

“Alright then,” he said and served himself a cup. Loki noticed that he took sugar, no cream. Evyn then sat down and said “So are we not talking today?”

Loki turned his head to stare at the wall instead, refusing to answer.

“Loki, is there something wrong?”

Nothing.

Evyn sighed and waited while Loki continued to say nothing, but turned his head to look at the floor again.

“Would you like to play a few games of hnefatafl?”

Loki turned his eyes up to look at the man through his eyelashes, frowning slightly. Evyn stood. “I have a board somewhere... Ah, here it is.” He took out a board and a sack of pieces, spilling them out to set up the board. “So? Do you want to play?”

Loki hesitated before gathering up the rest of the red pieces and setting them up. Evyn smiled. “Alright, you move first.”

The game went on in silence, Loki winning the first round. They played twice more, Loki winning two out of three games. By the time they were finished, the time was up. Loki put the pieces back into the sack and Evyn thanked him.

“I'll see you on Wednesday,” he said and Loki nodded, leaving the room and heading out to the gardens like he had last time.

 _What the Hel was_ that _?_ Loki wondered, wandering the paths, looking at the flowers. He hadn't played hnefatafl in a long time, since Thor had gotten sick of losing. It was confusing; the man had asked him how he'd felt during the first session, but hadn't brought it up at all. They'd remained in silence, save for Evyn muttering under his breath and congratulating Loki on his wins. He hadn't pressured Loki into talking, something which never happened when he decided not to talk to people.

Thor would have bothered him about it the entire day.

Loki looked up to see Frigga kneeling in the grass, gardening. He walked towards her and she looked up, smiling. “Hello, Loki,” she said.

He sat down next to her. “What are you planting?” He asked, tilting his head to the side.

“Oh, nothing,” she said, brushing the dirt off her hands. “I was picking some flowers for my study, they do brighten a room, and I noticed some weeds.” She indicated the pile next to her and Loki saw the white blooms. “Would you like them?” She asked. “I know sometimes you do...” She trailed off, looking at him.

“I'll take them,” he said. She smiled again and handed them to him. He pocketed them and said “Would you like help?”

“If you're offering,” she said, winking. “Perhaps we should hire more gardeners...”

“I can do it,” Loki said, bending over to help.

“Sweet of you,” Frigga said. “Alright, you may have the job if you so desire. May I ask why?”

Loki shrugged. “Something to do,” he replied. Frigga smiled and nudged his shoulder a little.

* * *

“Loki...?”

Loki hummed, not looking up from his book. Thor stood there, chewing on his lip. “Would you... I'm leaving the palace for the day.”

“Good for you,” Loki said. “So why are you here?”

Thor hesitated. “Would you... like to come with me?” He asked.

“Why?” Loki asked. Thor shrugged.

“You haven't left the palace in a number of days now?” He paused, then added “And Mother thinks it would be good for you.”

Loki looked up. “Are you asking because Mother told you to bring me along?”

“No!” Thor said, eyes widening as he waved his hands. “No, no, I'm asking because I _want_ you to come!”

“... _Why_?” Loki asked, raising an eyebrow. Thor huffed.

“Because I haven't spent time with you in a while!” Thor said. “Is it wrong of me to want to spend time with my brother?”

“Mm.” Loki looked back at his book. “No.”

“Not even to the bookstores?” Thor asked, sitting next to him.

“Since when do you like bookstores?” Loki said, looking back up at him.

“I don't,” Thor admitted. “But _you_ do.”

Loki sighed, rubbing his eyes. _This_ was why he had been avoiding Thor in the first place, usually leaving a room when he walked in. “No, Thor,” he said. “I'm not interested.”

Thor opened his mouth to protest, but Loki collected his books and walked off. “Fine, fine,” Thor muttered. “I'll go by myself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The game Evyn and Loki played is a version of a game called tafl. You can find a wikipedia page about it [here](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tafl_games) and a video of someone playing hneftafl [here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LLuXg16irNY). I want to thank PeaceHeather for telling me what the game was when I noticed it in her amazing fanfiction "Grievance" which can be found [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4146378/chapters/9353352).
> 
> Thank you also to everyone who left comments and kudos!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor goes out into the city.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel.  
> Claimer: I own Madam Ivra. Don't use her without my permission.

The city was, as always, rather crowded. But it was how Thor liked it, he thought, pulling his hood over his head. The unfortunate thing about being the one who left the palace more often was that he was more recognizable. This wasn't usually a problem; Thor knew that the citizens of Asgard liked to see him. But today, he wanted to melt into the crowds, unnoticed.

Granted, that was more Loki's style, but Thor avoided the marketplace and made his way well enough, heading towards one of the few bookshops he knew around the city.

The shop was rather small, he thought, opening the door and hearing a bell jingle to announce his entrance. He had seen Loki come in here once or twice when he had joined him and the Warriors on an outing, but Thor had never taken the time to actually to _inside_ the store.

Books lined the walls and there were tables with various magical instruments making odd noises, some of them puffing colored smoke or steam. There were herbs hanging from the ceiling and a cat was resting under the window. Thor blinked and looked around, surprised. _No wonder Loki likes this shop,_ he thought to himself. _It's exactly his style_.

His eyes settled on the elderly lady sitting behind the counter, eyebrows raised at him. “Greetings,” she said. “What can I do for you, friend?”

Thor smiled and lowered his hood. “I am here looking for a gift,” he said as her eyebrows raised even higher.

“Well, well, this is a surprise,” she said. “Welcome, Prince Thor. And how is your brother?”

“He is...” Thor hesitated. “Not at his best.”

“Ah, that is unfortunate news,” she said, shaking her head. “I haven't seen him in here for quite some time. I was beginning to worry.” She tilted her head at Thor, eyes narrowing. “So, you're here for a gift?”

“I am,” Thor replied. “But am unsure of what he might enjoy.”

The old lady gave an exasperated sigh, shaking her head as she stood. “You're in luck, Highness,” she said, browsing the shelves, flicking a hand, telling him to follow her into the back. “As it so happens, I've been saving something for him,” she said. “Only a few copies were ever made and I've never seen one in perfect condition. It's expensive, mind, but worth it.”

Thor followed her and peered over her shoulder. She waved a hand at one of the higher shelves and a brown package floated down to her and onto the table. She unwrapped it and Thor was met with a black leather book with faded gold lettering, barely legible.

“What is it?” He asked, unimpressed. She old woman sighed.

“Did no one ever teach you not to judge a book by its over?” She scolded lightly, but smiled, waving her hand so she cover lifted. Inside were illustrations, some of them faded, but beautiful nonetheless.

“It's a book of tales,” she explained. “Very old tales from all over the Nine. As I say, only a few were ever made. I was lucky that the person who brought it in hadn't a clue to its worth,” she added, giving Thor a smug smile.

“And is it for sale?” Thor asked. She hummed, tilting her head. “I'll tell you what,” she said, waving a hand so the book closed, the wrappings coming back on. “Loki's a good customer. He's always been kind and offers help to the people around here. Sometimes he buys something, sometimes he doesn't,” she said. “But I've never met a more avid reader. Doubt I ever will again. Now, this book is all but priceless,” she said, patting the wrappings. “But he's a good negotiator. Bring Loki back with you and we'll see if we can't haggle a price.”

“But I still need something to bring to him!” Thor replied, huffing. “You said you were saving it for him,” he then added.

“And I am,” she said, crossing her arms. “But last I checked, you're not Loki. Come,” she said and brought him back to the front of the shop. She took out a piece of paper and wrote on it. “Give this to Loki,” she said, folding it and placing it on the table. “There are few in the Nine who'll respect a book like that, and I consider him to be one of them.”

Thor accepted the note, tucking it safely in his pocket. “Madam,” he said, looking up at her. “Do you consider my brother to be good?”

The woman looked at him, blinked, then threw back her head and cackled, falling back into her chair. Thor stood, dumbfounded until the woman quieted, still snorting, hand over her mouth.

“Go up to anyone on this street,” she said, waving a hand. “This street and the next over. Ask anyone the same thing. There are few who would say otherwise and they are fools, your Highness. Is Loki a good man? My dear Prince, Loki is too good for this or any world.”

“High praise indeed,” Thor said, smiling. “I always thought so too, but somehow he seems to think otherwise.”

The woman rolled her eyes. “No one has less of an opinion of us than ourselves,” she said. She bent over a display of what looked like stone marbles behind the counter. She took one out, placing it in Thor's hand and curling his fingers over it, patting his knuckles. “Give Loki this,” she said. “Perhaps it will remind him that there are those in Asgard who are loyal to him.”

Thor nodded and looked at the stone. It was pink and seemed to glow. “What is it?” He asked.

“A heart stone,” she said. “It has various properties.”

Thor nodded and put the stone in with the note. “I thank you, Madam.”

“Ivra,” she said with a sigh. “Madam Ivra, your Highness.”

“Apologies,” Thor said, flushing. “Good day, Madam Ivra.”

He left the shop, the bells jingling again as the door swung shut.

* * *

Thor spent the rest of the day wandering the city, hand in his pocket so as not to lose the stone, thinking about the words the shopkeeper had said to him. Yes, Loki was a good man, he thought. But would she think the same, knowing what Loki had done? Or, rather, what he had _tried_ to do. He sighed and rubbed his eyes.

The crowds were thinning, he noticed, and realized he had wandered into the less-inhabited part of the city. He hadn't come this way in a long time, and hesitated, looking around. This place was usually referred to as “Thieves Square,” mostly because pickpockets lurked.

Not many well-to-do people cane down this way at all. Not that Thor was afraid of thieves, he thought, looking around. But it was getting dark and he should probably head back to the—

The stone was gone.

Thor patted his pocket, frowning. Where had it gone? He looked around the square and saw a young man walking off, putting something in his pocket.

Something _pink_.

“Hey!” Thor said and the man whipped around, eyes wide before he took off, Thor chasing close behind.

Despite what Loki believed, Thor was actually quite a fast runner. The man clearly hadn't expected this and kept turning to see if he as safe.

It wasn't long before Thor cornered him in an alleyway.

The man lifted his hands. “Hey, look,” he said. “I don't want trouble.”

“Neither do I,” Thor said. “However, I'd like that stone back.”

“Why? Giving it to a girl?” The man asked, grinning.

“My brother,” Thor replied. “I'm giving it to my brother.”

“Your brother likes _pink_?” The thief said, raising an eyebrow. “He must be a priss.”

“My _brother_ ,” Thor said, growling, “is Loki Odinson.” He pulled down his hood and held out his hand. “And no, he is not.”

The thief's eyes widened. “You— You're _Thor Odinson_?”

“That would be the logical conclusion, yes,” Thor said, approaching, hand still outstretched, wishing he'd thought to bring a weapon of some sorts. “The stone. Now.”

And to his surprise, the man began to dig into his pocket, pulling out both the stone and the note. “Look, I'm really sorry,” he said, stepping forwards to place both in Thor's hand. “If I'd known you were giving this to _Loki_... You won't tell him what I said, will you?”

The man looked anxious, wringing his hands together as he stepped back. Thor placed the stone and the note into his breast pocket and looked at the man. “Depends,” he said, looking back at the man. “Do you think my brother is a good man?”

“Well, no shit,” the man said, raising an eyebrow. “'Course he is. And I'm not saying this because I'm afraid you'll pound me,” he added. “He's pretty popular 'round these parts.”

“Why?” Thor asked, frowning. The man blinked.

“You don't know?” The man shook his head. “Look, you know how some people call him the Prince of Shadows and all that?”

“Yes,” Thor said, wondering where this was going.

“Well, it's true,” the man shrugged. “But not because he's bad or anything,” he added, backing away from Thor's angry look. “Okay, okay, so people don't like to see thieves and beggars, right?” He explained. “No one really well off comes 'round these bits of Asgard, likes to pretend it doesn't exist. We don't matter, why would we? We walk around unnoticed, kinda like shadows. Well, Loki notices. Hence the name 'Prince of Shadows.'”

Thor's mouth opened. “I never knew,” he said. “I always thought it was an insult. Loki always seemed so offended when people called him that.”

“Well, _duh_ ,” the man said, rolling his eyes. “That's the name _we_ gave him. We don't use it as an insult, because _we're_ the ones who actually understand it.”

Thor considered. “So I take it you know him personally?” He asked. The man put his hands in his pockets.

“Once or twice, yeah,” he said in an offhand way. “I doubt he remembers me.”

Thor snorted. “Loki remembers _everything_ ,” he said. “What is your name?”

The man looked at Thor, tilting his head. “Sigyn,” he said at last. Thor frowned.

“That's a woman's name.”

The thief smirked. “Is it? Well ain't that a funny thing.” And the thief winked, turned, and jumped, grasping a ledge in the wall and vanishing over it.

Thor looked at the place where the thief had disappeared, then turned and made his way back to the palace.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah. I more or less wanted to write something from Thor's POV. I don't actually have the energy to say much more, I've got a headache and I got on the wrong bus this morning, so I'm going to go back to bed and hope my ibuprofen kicks in soon.
> 
> Oh yeah, but not before I say thank you to everyone who left comments and kudos! My brother can confirm, I curl up into a ball on my bed and screech when I get comments because they just make me so damn happy. I love you guys, you guys are literally the best.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evyn tells Loki about the Jotnar of Alfheim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.  
> Claimer: I own Evyn Dolrson. Yay.

Thor reached the palace just in time for dinner, slipping into his chair as Loki, being the only person at the table, glanced up. “Why, Thor,” he said, a slight smirk on his face. “You're _late_.”

Thor huffed but said nothing, recognizing the turn of words. “Fair enough,” he said as he was served, picking up his fork. “Where's Mother and Father?”

“A council meeting,” Loki replied, going back to pushing his food around his place. “Mother's head began to ache, so she retired early.”

“Ah.” Thor began to eat, noticing that though Loki was cutting up everything on his plate, he wasn't actually _eating_. He frowned. “Are you going to eat that?” He asked.

“No,” Loki said, continuing to push it around.

“You've eaten barely anything these last few dinners,” Thor pointed out, taking another bite. Loki only shrugged.

“Well, since no one else is _coming_ ,” he muttered and made to stand. Thor frowned at him.

“I have something for you,” Thor said. “Something from a... Oh, what was her name... Madam Irva?”

“Madame _Ivra_?” Loki corrected, frowning. “Why do you have something from _her_?”

Thor pulled the note and stone out of his pocket and pushing it across to him. Loki accepted it and opened the note, eyes flickering over it before widening. He folded it closed again and put it in his pocket. “And the stone?” He asked, picking it up.

“She said it was a heart stone,” Thor shrugged. “She said it may remind you that there are those in Asgard who are loyal to you.”

“I see,” Loki said. He put it with the note and stood. “If that is all, then I wish you a good night, Thor.”

“Good night, Loki,” Thor replied with a sigh. But before Loki could leave, he swiveled around in his chair. “When did you want to go pick up the book?”

Loki didn't even look back.

“Sigyn says hello,” Thor called. “You're quite popular amongst the people, you know. The madam gave you high praise.”

Loki paused at the door. “What did she say?” He asked.

“She said that you'd find no better man in the Nine,” Thor said. So perhaps they weren't her _exact_ words, but he was paraphrasing. “Sigyn seemed to think so as well.”

Loki hesitated a moment longer. “I'll give you an answer... tomorrow,” he said. “On when we'll go back to the bookshop.”

Thor grinned. “Thank you, brother.”

Loki left, the door shutting quietly behind him. With a sigh, Thor returned to his meal, alone.

* * *

Loki was laying on his be, stomach up, looking at the stone Thor had brought him. It was pink and smooth and round, almost like a marble. It sat nicely in his palm and had a good weight to it. He'd seen the stones is Madam Ivra's display case, but had never bought one. He turned it over in his fingers, thinking about what Thor had said.

“I'm not a good man,” he said aloud, albeit under his breath. _Am I?_ His brain supplied. He turned the stone over again, biting at the inside of his lips.

With a sigh, he placed the stone on his bedside in a decorative dish that held bits and pieces that had no other home. He would think about it tomorrow.

He sat up and sighed, looking up at the ceiling and closing his eyes. He had a session tomorrow. _Damn,_ he thought. The last session had been confusing. Perhaps he would talk this time, bring the stone and talk about it. He got up, changing into his nightclothes. _Why not?_ He thought. _At least I'll have something to talk about_.

Because _not_ talking didn't seem to actually spite the healer. Damn him. Loki waved a hand to turn out the lights and went to bed, head still spinning with what Thor had told him.

* * *

“Hello, Loki,” Evyn said as Loki walked in. “Would you like a cup of tea?”

“Yes, just plain,” Loki replied, sitting down. Evyn smiled and poured him a cup, setting it on the table in front of him before serving himself and sitting down. Loki reached forward and took the cup.

“So, how are you feeling?” Evyn asked.

Loki sipped the tea, sitting back. It was nice, he thought, looking at the cup. “What sort of tea is this?” He asked.

“An herbal mix,” Evyn replied. “I make it myself. It's a little different every time, though.”

“Mm.” Loki took another sip. “Do you think I'm ill, Healer Evyn?”

“I can't say for sure yet,” Evyn replied, putting his cup down. “Do you think you are?”

Loki considered. “Well, there's definitely something wrong with me,” he said. Evyn tilted his head.

“How so?” He asked. Loki shrugged.

“There has _always_ been something wrong with me,” he replied. “Everyone knows it. I'm too _different_.”

“There's nothing wrong with that,” Evyn said. Loki snorted.

“It's not a problem to me,” Loki said. “It's a problem to _others_ would would prefer it if I were normal.”

“And what is 'normal?'” Evyn asked.

“A warrior,” Loki asked. “Bigger, stronger.” He took another sip of tea. “But I've always been different.”

“And why does that make you think there's something wrong with you?”

Loki huffed. “I don't know, it just is.”

“I see,” Evyn said. He nodded and said “So how do you feel about that?”

“How am I supposed to feel?” Loki asked, raising an eyebrow. Evyn didn't reply, but picked up his tea, taking a sip. Loki huffed. “I don't know,” he admitted. “I... mostly ignore it now.”

“So it still bothers you?” Evyn asked. Loki took a sip of tea instead and shrugged.

“No, not really,” he lied. Evyn nodded and sat back, saying nothing. Loki looked down at his tea and they sat in silence.

“Why did you play tafl with me last time?” Loki asked at last, to fill the silence.

“Why not?” Evyn shrugged. “I find it more interesting than sitting in silence for an hour and a half. You're a good opponent,” he added. “I haven't had that much challenge in quite some time.”

“Mm.” Loki didn't know what to say to that. “No one likes to play it with me,” he admitted. “They think I cheat. And when I'm not they get tired of losing.”

“That must be irritating,” Evyn said, nodding. Loki sighed.

“You have _no_ idea,” he muttered.

“No, I don't,” Evyn agreed. Loki looked up and blinked at him. Evyn shrugged. “What else could I say? No one is privy to your thoughts, Loki, even if we have the same information.” *****

Loki mulled this over in his mind for a few moments, finishing his tea. “I suppose so,” he said at last. He put the cup down, empty now, and reached into his pocket, fingering the spherical stone. “What are your opinion of frost giants?”

Evyn raised his eyebrows, placing his cup down. “How do you mean?”

Loki shrugged. “They aren't well-liked here,” he said. “They're called monsters.”

Evyn's expression cleared and he nodded, looking thoughtful. “This came from, as I understand, the war between Asgard and Jotunheim?”

“It would appear so,” Loki said, taking the stone you of his pocket to pass it from hand to hand. “In all the old tales, the monsters come from somewhere else. Sometimes Vanaheim, sometimes Svartalfheim...”

“It comes with hostility,” Evyn said. “Asgard was at war with both Vanaheim and Svartalfheim. The stories about the vanir have mostly died down, but the ones about the Dark World still flourish, since there aren't any dokkalfar left.”

“And do you think Asgard will end up forgetting about the jotnar as well?” Loki asked. Evyn shrugged.

“It will inevitably happen,” he replied. “Perhaps not in the foreseeable future, but it will happen eventually.”

“How do you know?” Loki asked. Evyn refilled their cups and considered.

“Not all Realms are as hostile of Jotunheim as Asgard is,” he said at last. “For instance, Alfheim has had an alliance with Jotunheim for many centuries.”

“Wha— _Really_?” Loki said, eyes widening.

“Mm-hmm,” Evyn nodded, taking a sip. “There's a rather large community of jotnar on Alfheim, usually the smaller ones.”

“...Smaller ones?”

“Yes,” Evyn said. “About the size of aesir and vanir. They're better with magic than other jotnar-though that's not saying very much-but not as resilient to Jotunheim's cold. So, they get sent to Alfheim instead. The weather there is almost always the same, so there's not much to worry about. They're usually just referred to as 'smalls' by the jotnar.”

“You've met some?” Loki asked. Evyn smiled.

“I have indeed,” he said. “I've had patients of many races.”

“And were they...” Loki wasn't sure what to say. Civil? Kind? Good? He wasn't sure what to ask, but Evyn smiled nevertheless.

“They're just people,” he replied. “No race is all good or all bad, Loki.”

“But the war...” Loki paused. “But then how did the war start?”

“A King declared war and ordered his people to follow,” Evyn said. “Laufey wasn't the greatest ruler to reign on Jotunheim, but I think it's...” He searched for a word. “I think it's inaccurate to base an entire race on the decision of one man, no matter how powerful they may be. Laufey was one out of many to rule Jotunheim, just as Odin is for Asgard, just as any ruler is with any land.”

Loki looked down, clenching his jaw, the stone still clutched in his palm, the words remaining in his head for the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I want to thank Nyx_Ro for letting me paraphrase this quote from a comment they sent me about a week and a half ago.
> 
> I also want to thank everyone who sent me well wishes yesterday. My headache went away after a bit of rest and I even wrote a new chapter!
> 
> And of course, thank you to everyone who left comments/kudos!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki and Thor go out into the city and Loki has a panic attack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.  
> Claimer: I DO own Madam Ivra and the Aesir currency system. Please don't use without permission.

It was the next day that Loki allowed Thor to take him into the city to look at the book. Loki wore a hood over his face and led the way to the bookshop. It didn't take long to get there, Loki knowing the shortcuts. When they arrived, Loki turned to Thor.

“Stay out here, I'll be right back.”

“What? No, I can come in,” Thor said.

“It's alright,” Loki assured him. Thor crossed his arms.

“I'm coming in,” Thor said, stubborn. Loki grumbled and went into the shop, Thor following and lowering his hood.

Madame Ivra looked up as they entered, the cat on the counter. She smiled when she saw Thor and stood, walking Over. Loki smiled and she said “Ah. There you are. I hope you got my note?” She said, looking at Thor.

“I did, madam,” Loki assured her. “Now where is it?”

She smiled and patted his cheek. “This way, this way.” She led him into the back, Thor staying behind to pet the cat.

“Watch out,” Ivra called behind her. “He scratches!”

Loki grinned and watched as she brought down the book. “Well, go ahead,” she said, letting him undo the wrappings. He breathed out a sigh and reached out to touch the cover before pulling back. “May I?” He asked.

“Be my guest,” she said, standing back and crossing her arms. He gently lifted the cover and sighed again.

“Oh, this is _beautiful_ ,” he breathed, eyes flickering over the illustrations and lettering. She grinned and let out a chuckle.

“I knew you'd want to see it,” she said, sounding smug.

“Is it for sale?” Loki asked, flipping the pages with delicate fingers, careful not to rip or irritate the paper.

“Just for you,” she said. “Ten dyr.”

Loki looked up, giving her a skeptical look. “Oh, come,” he said. “This is worth much more than that. “Ten _fyth_ at least.”

The old woman raised an eyebrow. “Do you _want_ to play more?”

Loki sighed, looking back at the book. “How much did you buy it for?” He asked.

“Three dyr,” she said, looking smug again. “Pool fool had no idea what he had.”

Loki gave her a disapproving look. “That's practically stealing.”

“I'm just trying to keep a living,” she defended, but she was smiling. Loki sighed and reached into his pocket for his money purse, counting the money out. “Here you are,” he said, putting the money in her hands. She smiled and pocketed the money.

“Thank you, Highness,” she said. “Would you like to take it with you, or send someone to pick it up?”

“I'll take it with me,” Loki replied, wrapping the book back up. “Thank you.”

“Thank _you_ ,” she replied as he picked up the book, asking back. “Oh, and did you like the stone?”

“I did,” he said, slowing to offer her his arm back up the stairs. “Though I am confused for it's purpose.”

She shrugged. “Is it helping?”

“Perhaps,” he said, frowning at her. She grinned.

“Then at least you know it works,” she replied. “Now,” she said as they reached the counter, Thor standing decidedly _away_ from the cat. “Was there anything else I could do for you?”

“Not today, thank you,” Loki said, giving her a smile. He turned to leave.

“You know,” she said, stroking the cat's ears. “That stone works best when it's resting around the neck.”

Loki paused. “I'll keep that in mind,” he replied and turned long enough to scratch the cat behind his ears. He purred and Loki grinned, Thor huffing. Loki smirked when he saw the three scratches on Thor's hand.

“Good afternoon, Madam Ivra,” Loki said. “Come on, Thor.”

They left the shop, the book tucked under Loki's arm, hoods back up as they walked in silence.

“Shall we walk through the marketplace?” Thor asked. Loki shrugged, so Thor led them over. Loki remained silent as they weaved through the crowds. It was loud, it was crowded, and Loki found it wasn't long before he wanted to leave. He tugged at Thor's sleeve.

“Can we get out of here?” He asked.

“In a moment, I want to look at that,” Thor said and walked over to a stand. Loki clenched his jaw and followed, eyes flickering around the crowds, trying not to touch anyone, or lash out when someone accidentally brushed up next to him. He began to count in his mind. _One. Two. Three. Four. Five..._

“Thor,” he said. “I think we should leave.” _Eight. Nine. Ten. One. Two. Three..._

“One more moment isn't going to kill you,” Thor replied, distracted by jewelry. “Do you think Mother would like one of these?”

“Yes,” Loki said, not bothering to look. “Can we leave now?”

Thor ignored him and Loki clutched his book to his chest, breathing getting harder. He could hear his heartbeat in his ears.

_Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine._ It wasn't working as it usually did, Loki's nerves unraveling at the seams.

“Alright,” Thor said, accepting his purchased package. “ _Now_ we can— Loki, are you alright?”

Loki had his eyes squeezed shut, wanting to cover his ears with his hands. “Get. Me. Out. Of Here.” He ground out, breathing quick. He reached out and grabbed Thor's arm and Thor led him from the market.

“Where should we go?” Thor asked, voice riddled with concern.

“Get me somewhere quiet,” Loki hissed, his chest feeling tight. “ _Now_.”

Thor led him into a side street, Loki's eyes shut tight, still wishing he could cover his ears, gasping with people bumped into him. He was stumbling.

Slowly, excruciatingly slowly, the crowds thinned, and Thor led him into an empty alleyway. Almost at once, Loki leaned back against the wall, sitting down and gasping for breath, Thor taking the book out of his grip. Loki curled up and covered his ears at last. He had his eyes squeezed shut, trying to force everything back, trying to _clear his mind—_

“Loki,” Thor said, voice soft. “Loki, take a deep breath.”

_Shut up!_ Loki wanted to scream.  _Shut up, shut up!_

Loki knew what to do. He wasn't a _child_ , damn it all. He took the breath regardless, heart still pounding.

Breathe in,  _one, two, three, four_ . Hold it,  _one, two, three, four, five, six, seven_ . Breathe out,  _one two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight_ . Repeat,  _one, two, three, four_ ...

He repeated the cycle over and over again, trying to subdue the panic and tightness in his chest. It felt like hours before he felt himself beginning to relax. He was exhausted and he knew Thor was still watching him, eyes full of concern.

“...Loki?” Thor asked when Loki didn't speak. “Are... Are you well now?”

Loki remained silent, sitting for a moment longer before pushing himself up onto his feet, hand resting against the wall as he rubbed his eyes, still refusing to meet Thor's. Thor handed the book out, wordlessly, and Loki accepted it, hugging it to his chest.

“Let's go home,” Thor said, voice still low. Loki nodded and began to walk, leading the way through back alleys and streets and trying not to fall over. They didn't speak a word until they were back inside the palace, heading to their halls.

“Loki, what _was_ that?” Thor asked.

“Nothing,” Loki replied, quiet. Thor stopped, looking at him in bewilderment.

“ _Nothing_? That's what you call _nothing_? Loki, how often does that happen,” He asked, “for it to become 'nothing?'”

“It... hasn't happened for a while now,” Loki admitted, eyes still fixed on the ground. “I'm sorry you had to witness it.”

“So this _has_ happened before,” Thor concluded.

“I don't care to speak about it,” Loki replied.

Thor glared. “ _I_ do, Loki,” he said. “How long ago was this 'last one?' When was the first? Why—”

“I'm tired, Thor,” he interrupted, shoulders slumped. “I need to be alone.”

He turned again and Thor caught his arm. “Why did that happen, Loki?” He asked quietly. Loki pulled his arm away.

“I don't know,” he mumbled. “It just does.”

“So when you said you wanted to leave,” Thor said, understanding lighting his eyes before turning to anger. “You knew that was coming? Why didn't you _say_ anything?”

“I can control it!” Loki tried to insist, knowing Thor wouldn't buy it.

“Oh, well, if _that_ was controlling it, I'd hate to see what out of control looks like,” Thor said, sarcasm dripping in his tone.

“Don't use sarcasm, Thor, it suits you ill,” Loki sighed, leaning against the wall and closing his eyes. “I'm done talking.”

He turned away, hoping this time to get away when Thor followed him. “Loki, please,” he said, anger still tinting his voice. “Why did you say nothing?”

Loki stopped and turned again, facing Thor. “Thor,” he said. “What you saw is something you weren't supposed to, something I try my  _utmost hardest_ to keep private.” He hated this, his inability to lift his head and meet Thor's eyes, this  _weakness_ . There was a lump in his throat and he knew if he didn't leave soon, he was going to start crying or screaming.

He wasn't sure which was worse at this point.

“Please, Thor,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady. “I'm tired. I _need_ to be alone for a while.”

Thor hesitated, then sighed. “Fine,” he said. “But this conversation is far from over, brother.”

Loki nodded, not bothering to answer verbally.

“Will you be attending dinner with us?” Thor asked and Loki shook his head. He couldn't face that, not now. Thor sighed. “Alright,” he said. “I'll tell Father you weren't feeling well when we came back.” It wasn't a lie, really. _That's good,_ Loki thought. _He's a terrible liar_. “Would you like me to send something up?” Thor added, pulling Loki from his thoughts.

Loki shook his head again and walked off, not looking back. He reached his hall without meeting anyone on the way and walked in, closing the doors behind him. He walked into his bedroom and undressed, laying his cloak and book down, untying his boots and placing them next to the dresser, and changed his clothes. He then laid down on the bed and curled up, pulling the blankets over himself.

It was only then that he began to cry.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so the currency system is used in _Fancy Meeting You Here_ , but in case you haven't read that, here it is:
> 
> The copper ones are called kobs, the silver are zovels, the gold ones are gyders. 15 kobs to a zovel, 20 zovels to a gyder. 500 gyders is a mye, 1,000 gyders is a dyr, 1,000,000 gyders is a fyth.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left comments/kudos!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki has a brief episode of major depression and learns the definitions of guilt and shame (there is a difference, I swear).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own marvel. Obviously.  
> Claimer: I own Evyn Dolrson. Clearly.

Loki didn't get up the next day. He couldn't really see the point, turning over in his bed to gaze at the curtains, not bothered enough to open them. He hadn't slept much the night before and he was still exhausted, eyes barely able to stay open. But every time he fell asleep, he dreamed of the dark, of the cold, of falling, falling, falling...

It was usually then that his eyes snapped open again. And so it was that he was still in bed, awaiting the inevitable time when someone would come and check up on him. He knew it was going to be one of his family— _not family_ —but he still found no motivation to get up, instead focusing on the darker part of his head.

_I'm never going to get better,_ he realized at about eleven in the morning. He hadn't even properly accepted that he was _sick_ , but how could he not be? He'd managed to keep his nerves under control for _decades_ , at least long enough to get somewhere more private than with Thor in a damn _alleyway_. He covered his face with his hands at the thought, shame digging its way through his stomach. Norns, _Thor_ had seen. Worse, he almost seemed to _care_.

A knocking at the door broke him somewhat out of his misery. Blinking, he liftedhis head to check the time, finding it was about noon.

“Your Highness?” A voice called. “Your Highness, are you there? I was told to bring you some food.”

Probably Thor's doing. Loki flopped his head back down on the bed. “Leave it out there, I'll get it.”

“Yes, your Highness.” The servant soon left and Loki sighed. He should get up. He should get up and get the tray, clean himself up, go _do_ something...

… _But_ what _?_ He thought then, turning his head to stare at the door. He had no wish to see anyone, or to interact with people. He didn't really have any interest in doing _anything_ except to go back to sleep. It was like a fog of exhaustion had settled over his mind. He sighed and buried his face into the pillow, closing his eyes and wishing he could simply _vanish_ into thin air.

_Would anyone even miss me?_ He wondered. _Perhaps Thor and Frigga. But they would forget soon enough._

At the thought, he felt tears spring to his eyes and _damn it all, why was he crying to easily_? He curled up, pulling the blankets over his head and tried to forget.

* * *

When it became clear that Loki had no intention of joining them for dinner, Frigga looked at Thor. “Darling, how ill was Loki when you two got back yesterday?” She questioned, brows furrowed.

“I— Well, I don't— Nothing I thought some rest couldn't cure,” Thor replied. Frigga considered.

“I'll check on him,” she decided and got up.

When she reached his bedroom, she found a tray of what looked like an untouched lunch outside the door. Frowning, she knocked on the door. “Loki?” She called. “Loki, are you in there?”

There was no reply. She opened the door and peered in, waving a hand so the tray followed her in. “Loki?”

The room was dark, the curtains drawn. Frigga left the door open, letting the light spill into the room as she walked in. She could see a lump on Loki's bed, presumably Loki himself. She walked over, letting the tray settle on the bedside table.

“Loki, are you not feeling well?” She asked, whispering in case his head hurt. There was no reply and she sat on the edge of the bed, reaching over to place the back of her hand to Loki's forehead. He was warm, but didn't seem feverish. She moved her hand to his cheek and sighed, tucking his hair back behind his ear. “What is the matter, darling?” She asked, keeping her voice soft. “Thor said you were feeling unwell last night.”

Nothing. She could see his eyes were open, but he wasn't looking at her. “Have you eaten anything today?” She asked. No reply. “Loki, please say something.” Nothing. She reached out again and placed two fingers to his pulse. It beat strongly enough. “Darling, if you don't talk o me, I'm going to get your father,” she said, pulling her hand away.

When there was still no reply, she sighed and stood, walking back out to find a guard, sending him to bring Odin before returning to Loki's bedside, murmuring to him as dread filled her heart. She was relieved when Odin finally arrived, Thor in tow.

“What's the matter?” Thor asked, peering behind Frigga. “Is he ill?”

“He's not talking,” she said, looking at Odin. “He's awake, but he's not said a word. He won't even look at me.”

Odin hesitated, then nodded. “Thor, go to the healing rooms,” he said. “Bring Healer Evyn Dolrson.”

Thor nodded and left, Frigga bringing Odin into the room. “Loki,” he said, sitting on the bed. “Loki, tell me what's wrong.”

There was still no reply and Frigga wrung her hands, giving Odin a worried look. Odin waved a hand and the lights came on dim. Only then did Loki blink, turning his head a little.

“Loki,” Odin said, kneeling by the bed. “Loki, look at me.”

Loki's eyes were closed, his face buried into his pillow. “Stop ignoring me, Loki,” Odin ordered and Frigga walked over as well, sitting on the bed again, stroking Loki's hair.

“Darling, please,” she whispered. “Tell us what's wrong, let us _help_ you.”

Loki said nothing. Loki didn't move, though they tried to talk to him. It was a relief when the healer finally arrived. Odin turned and looked at Thor.

“Thor,” he said in all seriousness. “What exactly happened before you two came home yesterday?”

* * *

Loki could hear them, could hear every word as Thor explained the story, how they'd gone into the market and how they had stopped and how Loki had asked to leave. He told them everything, every excruciatingly shameful detail and Loki was glad he was already curled up with his head buried into his pillow, jaw clenched as he squeezed his eyes shut.

_Please, go away,_ he thought when Thor finished. _Please, leave me alone_.

He felt someone kneel by the bed and heard a voice—was that Evyn?—say “Loki, I need you to tell me if you're physically hurt. Just nod or shake your head if you like. Are you hurt?”

Loki blinked, the words slow to register. When they did, he shook his head. If he didn't reply, they'd just get more healers and people. “Alright,” the voice murmured. “Thank you, Loki.” The man turned away and told Odin and Frigga something. There was a sound of footsteps, the door shut, and the room was silent.

Evyn walked back, dragging a chair over to the bed and sitting down. “Your parents are gone now, Loki,” he said. “I'm going to ask you some questions.”

Loki waited in silence. When he said noting, Evyn continued. “Have you gotten up today?” Loki shook his head. “Have you eaten anything today?” A shake. “Anything to drink?” Shake. “Are you hungry now?”

Loki shrugged at the last one, hesitating a moment. Evyn hummed and he heard something move. “Here, Evyn said. “Drink this, if nothing else.”

Loki looked up a little. The healer was wearing casual clothes, not the usual healing uniform he was used to. His hair was pulled back into a braid. Had they pulled him out of bed? What time was it? Evyn held pout a glass with a straw in it.

“It's just water,” he said as Loki blinked. “Drink some, you may be dehydrated and that'll make your head hurt.”

He moved the straw near Loki's lips and he accepted it, sipping and realizing he was actually quite thirsty. He drank it all and Evyn put the empty cup on the table, picking up a small cake instead. “Would you be willing to eat this?” He asked, letting Loki see it. Loki shrugged and Evyn said “Try, please.”

Loki didn't move. He looked away and licked his lips. “'M really sick, aren' I?” He mumbled. Evyn paused.

“'M never getting better,” Loki continued. Evyn put the cake down and placed his hands in his lap.

“I'm not going to lie to you, Loki,” Evyn said. “Yes, I think you're ill and it isn't going to be resolved overnight, Loki. It could take a long time. And there will be bad days, days like this where you think you're going nowhere. But acknowledging you're ill is a big step towards getting better.”

Loki said nothing and Evyn continued. “Loki, I can give you a medicine, if you like.” Loki looked up and Evyn pulled a bottle from... somewhere. It took him a moment to realize that there was a bag on the floor.

Evyn placed the bottle on the bedside table. “This is it,” he said. “You take one capful of this when you wake up, on an empty stomach. It won't make you happy,” he explained. “But it'll help you focus on things. It'll reduce the bad days and the anxiety attacks.”

Loki moaned softly and hid his face again. Oh, _why_ did Thor have to tell everyone about that?

“Because he cares about you,” Evyn replied. “And had it been my choice, I would have liked to hear it from you.”

Loki realized he had spoken aloud and flushed, curling into a ball. Evyn smiled at him. “Loki, may I touch you?” He asked. Loki shook his head, hesitated, then nodded. Evyn placed a hand on his shoulder and rubbed a little.

“If this happens again,” he said. “Then I want you to do something for me. I want you to get up, get cleaned, and change clothes. Keep a glass of water by your bed, eat something. It doesn't have to be healthy so long as you'll eat it. Then you can go back to bed. You've allowed bad days, Loki. They'll happen. But I want you to tell me about them.”

Loki swallowed. “I hate this,” he whispered.

“That's okay,” Evyn said. Loki swallowed again and his his face as tears rose to his eyes. Evyn rubbed his shoulder again and said “Men are often taught that it is unmanly to shed tears. They are taught to feel guilty for wanting to do so, indeed for even doing so in private. But Loki, it is _not_ something that people should be guilty about.” He sighed and shook his head. “Crying is simply a show of expression. There is no weakness in it. It is showing emotion, like laughing when one is happy, or wanting to hit something when one is angry. But men are taught to bottle it away and that can cause problems.”

Loki's breath came shaky and he curled up into a tighter ball, using the blankets to cover his face. Evyn continued to rub his shoulder. “It's alright, Loki,” he murmured. “You don't have to bottle it up again.”

Loki let out a sob, choking on it as he shuddered. Evyn pulled his hand away as he cried. Loki found himself unsure of quite why he was crying, but unable to stop himself. He was angry and upset and _scared_ and he _didn't know why_.

Finally, after what seemed like hours, he quieted, sobs turning into hiccups. He sniffed and Evyn handed him a tissue, Loki accepting it to blow his nose

“How do you feel?” Evyn asked, voice still quiet. Loki wasn't really sure. He said as much and Evyn nodded. “That's alright,” he said. “Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what we're feeling. Here,” he said and took out a small vial, about the size of Loki's small finger. “Drink this once you've eaten something. It'll help you sleep tonight.”

“Thank you,” Loki said, wiping his eyes. He was sitting up now, making it easier to blow his nose. Evyn smiled nodded.

“You are very welcome, Loki,” he said. “Would you like to talk some more, or would you like to wait until our Saturday session?”

Loki hesitated, chewing on the inside of his cheek, unsure of how to answer. Evyn waited patiently until Loki said “I think... Do you have any questions for me?”

“Some,” Evyn asked. “Would you like me to ask them?” Loki nodded and eyed the honey cake. Evyn passed it over, noticing his gaze, and Loki nibble don it, not really hungry, but eager to sleep once the healer left.

“How long have you been getting panic attacks?” Evyn asked. Loki chewed and thought.

“Since I was a child,” he said, voice still shaking. “I just... became better at hiding it.”

“Are you able to tell me the symptoms of your attacks?” He asked. Loki hesitated. “You don't have to,” Evyn reminded him with a gentle smile. Loki shook his head.

“I hyperventilate,” he said. “And my chest gets tight.”

“Does being on Asgard stress you?” Evyn asked. Loki hesitated.

“I— Maybe? No. I don't know,” Loki said at last and flushed.

Evyn smiled and nodded. “That's alright,” he said. “Have you ever experienced episodes like this before?” He indicated the bed and Loki looked down.

“A few times,” he admitted. He tightened his shoulders and mumbled “People don't notice.”

“Does it bother you that people don't notice?” Evyn asked. Loki shook his head.

“I don't know.”

“That's okay,” Evyn said, “Have you ever had an episode after an attack?”

“...Once,” Loki admitted.

“Alright.” Evyn leaned back. “Do you have any questions for _me_?”

Loki lowered his head and shook it. “No, sir,” he said. Evyn raised his eyebrows a little at the title.

“Alright,” he said. “Is there anything else you wanted to talk about this evening?”

“No,” Loki whispered. Evyn nodded and picked up his bag, putting it in his lap.

“I'm going to go, then, if that's alright,” he said. “But first, there's something I think you should know.” He leaned forwards a little. “Shame isn't the same thing as guilt. Some people don't know this, they use the two words interchangeably, but there's a very big difference.”

Loki looked up at Evyn, blinking at him in confusion.

“You see,” Evyn continued, “ _guilt_ is the opposite of innocence. Sometimes people are remorseful for things they've done-in which they'd _feel_ guilty-but not always. Guilt implies that what you've done is wrong. Shame on the other hand... Shame is _deeper_. ” Evyn sighed and shook his head. “Shame is a mix of feeling guilty with a streak of self-loathing. It's a big difference,” he added. “And Loki, sometimes people do things that are bad, but that  _does not_  make them a bad person. Understand alright?”

Loki swallowed, trembling again as he nodded. _Don't cry again, don't cry again,_ he pleaded with himself.

Evyn watched him for a moment. “Loki,” he said. “You are  _not_ a bad person.”

“How do _you_ know?” Loki whispered, squeezing his eyes shut. _I'm a monster, I'm a monster, I'm a monster, I'm a—_

“Because very few people in the Nine are truly _bad_ ,” Evyn replied, breaking Loki out of his thoughts. “Oh, people make _mistakes_ , sure. And mistakes have their consequences. But mistakes don't make people bad.”

“Then what _does_?” Loki asked, looking up at him, hating how desperate he sounded. Evyn smiled a little.

“I'm not sure,” he said. “I've yet to meet someone who is _truly_ bad.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so before you pull your dictionaries out and call me out on this, guilt and shame ARE IN FACT DIFFERENT THINGS. Guilt doesn't always mean regret (it's a conviction, it doesn't necessarily mean the person regrets what they did), so while shame involves guilt and regret, it _also_ has to do with self-loathing/thinking you're a bad person.
> 
> Really, mistakes don't make people bad, guys. This is something I learned a while ago, and I figured this was a good way to pass that knowledge onward.
> 
> Also, I swear, this is the only chapter I actually edited, because I couldn't get it to a point where I liked it.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left comments/kudos!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki wakes up feeling kinda meh on the whole gender thing, so Loki's pronouns are ze/zim.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.  
> Claimer: I own Evyn Dolrson. Clearly.

When Evyn walked out the door, Thor stood, hands clenched at his sides. “Is he alright?” He asked. Evyn smiled at him.

“A bit better, I think,” he replied. “You may go in if you like. He needs to get cleaned up a bit, but if he asks you to leave that to him, be respectful of that.”

Thor nodded and walked past the healer, shutting the door behind him. The lights were still on, though dimmer than they had been in the other room. He let his eyes adjust before walking over to where Loki was sitting on the bed, his back to Thor.

“Loki?” Thor said, kneeling in front of Loki, placing a hand on his knee. “Loki, are you alright?”

He looked like he'd crawled out of hell. His hair was tangled and his eyes were red and puffy, like he'd been crying. He was pale and he looked thin. He _was_ thin, Thor realized, noticing how Loki's tunic seemed to hang off of his frame. _When was the last time he sat down to eat a full meal?_ He wondered.

“I'm okay,” Loki whispered in reply. Thor blinked and nodded.

“Alright,” he said.

“I _am_ ,” Loki insisted. “I'm—” He stopped and searched Thor's face. Thor let him, not saying anything. “You don't believe me,” he said at last.

“No,” Thor replied. “I do not.”

Loki nodded, looking at his hands. “Good,” he said, almost too softly for Thor to hear. “I don't want you to.”

Thor swallowed. “Let's get you cleaned up,” he said. “Would you like help?” Loki chewed on his cheek for a minute before giving a single nod, eyes still averted. “That's okay,” Thor said in reply, standing and taking Loki's hands. “Come on.”

And so Thor washed him. It wasn't the first time he had done so; he had often been given the task of making sure his younger brother got clean when they were children. On the rare occasion Loki got drunk, he sometimes needed assistance.

Loki kept his eyes averted the entire time. When Thor finished and got clean sleepwear, Loki dressed himself and let Thor lead him back to bed. “Would you like me to stay?” Thor asked, stroking Loki's damp hair away from his face. Loki nodded again and Thor pressed a kiss to his forehead. “That's okay,” he said and went to the other side of the bed. Loki picked up a little vial on the beside table and opened it, tipping the content into his mouth. He then close the vial and put it back, laying down and facing away from Thor.

“Good night, Loki,” Thor murmured, scooting closer to put an arm around his brother.

“... Good night, Thor.”

* * *

Evyn walked into his office, Odin and Frigga following. He waved for them to sit as he poured out a few cups of water, placing two on the table before sitting across, running his fingers through his hair and taking a sip.

“Frist of all,” the healer said, “I gave Loki a medication. It should kick in... I think in about two days. So he may not wish to get up tomorrow. That's fine,” he added, looking up to reassure Frigga and Odin. “Bad days are just a part of recovery. But the medication will help cut that down and work on his anxiety as well.”

“Do you know what triggered this?” Frigga asked, her water untouched. “Was it the marketplace?”

“That is a probability, yes,” Evyn said, nodding, sipping.

“Is he in danger of hurting himself?” Odin asked. His eye was narrowed and his face stony. Evyn hesitated, giving it some thought.

“I don't think he is in any immediate danger, no,” he replied. “I'm glad Thor went to him. I gave Loki a sleeping potion to take tonight so he can get a good night's rest. He knows to take the medication in the morning, but there are instructions on the bottle as well.”

Frigga nodded and Odin sat next to her. “Will he be okay?” Frigga asked, voice soft.

Evyn sighed. “If he stays on track with sessions and takes the medication, yes,” he said. “But I wanted to tyalk about the conditions of his... 'healing process,' as you call it.”

“What about it?” Odin said, eye narrowing.

“You have him eating dinner with everyone every evening, yes?”

“Yes, we do,” Frigga confirmed.

“I think that needs to change, if only slightly,” Evyn replied. “Loki needs to feel like he has time to himself in the evenings without having stress about what may happen if he doesn't turn up. I believe he has been willing to show up so far, yes?”

“Every evening except tonight,” Frigga said, nodding.

“That's good,” Evyn nodded. “But though it may be inevitable, I want to avoid a relapse of this. He needs to feel like he has choices, like he's not being trapped in a corner.”

Odin clenched his jaw briefly. “What do you suggest?” He asked.

“He has to eat everyday,” Evyn said. “He may not want to eat a full meal, but so long as he eats something, even if it's nothing especially _healthy_ , he'll be okay. I've had patients live on snack food for a month because they didn't feel like eating. Other than that, I suggest you speak to him about what might work.”

“Will he do that?” Odin asked, sounding skeptical.

“Perhaps, perhaps not” Evyn said with a shrug. “But communication is key. Once he's recovered from this episode, sit down with him and talk. Work things out, make a compromise that everyone agrees with.” Evyn refilled their water glasses and said “You care about Loki. I understand that. But let him _know_ that you care about him and listen to what he has to say.” He sat back and added “I would also suggest offering sessions to Thor.”

Both parents looked surprised by this. “Thor?” Frigga said. “Why?”

“He's young,” Evyn replied. “And he cares about Loki as well. He doesn't seem to understand what's going on and that's likely to be frustrating, especially since he is unable to speak to anyone without accidentally spreading rumors about Loki's condition.”

“He can speak to us,” Frigga said. Evyn raised an eyebrow at her.

“I'm sure if you offered, he would,” Evyn agreed. “However, it is different speaking to your parent about your worries than it is speaking to a stranger. I myself would take Thor on as a patient, however, I make it a rule not to see people within the same family. However, I have a close friend and colleague of mine who I'm sure would be delighted to take his case.”

“And who is this... colleague?” Odin asked.

“Winnfrid Thrithdottir,” Evyn replied. “We went to school together. She's aes, but received nearly all of her education in Alfheim. Healer Eir is familiar with her, I think.” He shrugged. “She is very well educated in her field and has worked with warriors of all sorts before. She likes to travel around. I can write her tonight and ask her to come, if you would like to meet her.”

Frigga and Odin looked at each other, a silent conversation commencing between them. Evyn watched in bemusement when Odin said “We'll have to think about it,” at the same moment Frigga said “We would appreciate it, thank you.”

Evyn looked between the two and smiled. “Why don't you two talk about it and get back to me in a week or so? In the meantime, I'll contact Winnfrid and see if she's interested in the case.”

Odin looked at Frigga, whose eyebrows were raised. He sighed and turned back to Evyn. “That would be acceptable. Thank you, Healer Evyn.”

“You're quite welcome,” Evyn said and stood. “Now if you two don't mind, it is getting late, and I would like to get a bit of sleep.”

* * *

Loki woke up feeling disoriented. Light was spilling from the open curtains and someone had opened a window.

Sighing, Loki rolled over, curling up and pulling up the blankets. _This is going to be a bad day_.

“Loki? Brother, are you awake?”

Loki remained silent, realizing what the matter was. Loki was... _Hm. Well, I'm not a_ man.

“Loki?” Thor walked over, sitting on the edge of the bed, and Loki felt a large hand on zir shoulder. Ze whined and scooted away. “There's a bottle on your bedside table,” Thor continued. “It says to take a capful in the morning.”

_Shit_ . Ze had forgotten. Sighing, ze sat up and squinted zir eyes against the sunlight. “Lemme see,” ze said and Thor handed the bottle over.

_Instructions:_

_Pour capful into cup of water and mix before ingesting._

_Dosage:_

_Once a day on an empty stomach._

Well, at least it didn't say what it was  _for_ . Thor had gotten a glass of water for zim already, so Loki took it and mixed it, gulping it down. It didn't taste very good, but at least it wasn't the worst medication ze'd ever had to take.

“What is that?” Thor asked, frowning as he looked at the bottle.

“Medication,” Loki replied, laying down again.

“...For what?” Thor said, frown deepening. Loki realized he wasn't going to go away, so instead ze got up, heading into the bathroom to avoid answering. Ze wasn't even really sure what was wrong with zim at this point; ze only knew that something _was_.

Ze relieved zimself and washed zir hands, glancing in the mirror and pausing. Ze then grabbed a washcloth and towel and washed up, combing zir hair and pulling it into a ponytail at the base of zir neck, not wanting to bother with trying to style it. Ze then walked back out and saw Thor standing by the window, looking out.

“What are you doing today?” Thor asked, turning as Loki took out clean clothes. Loki shrugged, pulling zir shirt off. “You could spend the day with me,” Thor suggested. “I'm not doing very much, but Father's asked me to sit in on the court today.”

“No, thank you,” Loki murmured. “I'll probably just do...” Ze made a vague gesture. “... _things_.”

“What sort of things?” Thor asked, sitting on the bed and crossing his arms, an eyebrow raised. Loki shrugged.

“Interesting things,” ze said. “Stuff.”

“I see.” Thor's lip twitched. “Would you like company while you do your 'things'?”

“No, thank you,” Loki repeated. It was about then that there was a knock on the door. Thor answered it, Loki sitting down to lace up zir shoes.

“Mother!” Thor said. “Good morning.”

“And so it is,” Frigga said, smiling as she kissed Thor's cheek. “May I come in?” Thor turned.

“Loki, may Mother come in?” Loki nodded without looking up and Frigga entered, placing a hand on Loki's shoulder and kissing the top of zir head.

“How are you feeling, my daring?” She asked. “Have you eaten anything yet?”

“Fine,” Loki replied, standing. Ze wondered why everyone was so damn interested in his eating habits. “I'm going to the gardens.”

“Your father and I would like a word first,” she said.

_He's not my father._ Loki bit the words back and swallowed them. “Fine,” ze repeated and followed her out, Thor following.

“Thor, we'd like to speak with you a little later as well,” she said, placing her hand back on Loki's shoulder. “We'll send for you.”

“Yes, Mother,” Thor said, and glanced at Loki as he walked away.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! The school year has officially started for me. Unfortunately, this means I'll have less time to write/post, so I'll do it when I can.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left comments/kudos!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki spends time in the gardens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.  
> Claimer: I do own Nard. Clearly.

There was a pit of dread in Loki's stomach as ze walked in, Frigga's hand still on zir shoulder. Odin was sitting behind the desk, looking up at them.

“Sit down, Loki,” he said and glanced at the chair opposite him. Loki sat, Frigga moving to sit next to Odin. “We're going to talk about the conditions of your healing process,” he said once everyone was settled. Loki's eyes darted to Frigga, who smiled.

“What about them?” Loki asked, glancing back at Odin.

“Healer Evyn seems to think that it would be better if you joined us for meals twice a week rather than every evening,” Frigga said. “But we wanted to make sure that would be alright. You could choose the days you come, it doesn't matter so long as it is twice a week.”

Loki swallowed, looking at zir hands. “That's fine.”

“Along with that,” Odin said, “you would be required to eat at least one full meal a day.”

“Yes, sir,” Loki said, not looking up.

“Loki, darling, is there anything you'd like to put in?” Frigga asked. Loki looked up at her for an instant, brows furrowed in confusion.

“What do you mean?” Ze asked.

“Is there anything you'd like to compromise on?” She asked. “Do you have any questions?”

Loki looked back down, rolling zir stone in zir fingers. “Do I have to eat with the whole family, or just one person from the family at any time of the day?” Ze asked.

“You may eat with one person from the family so long as you eat the meal served,” Frigga said. Loki nodded.

“Okay.”

“Anything else?” Frigga asked. Loki shook zir head.

“May I go?”

“Yes, darling,” Frigga sighed. “You may go.”

Loki scooted zir chair back and stood, walking out. The moment the door was shut, ze all but fled to the gardens, definitely _not_ hiding under a bush, however it might have seemed to anyone watching.

The bush had long since been Loki's not-so-secret hideaway. As ze had grown, so had the bush, and ze was one of the few who could get in and out without the thorns pricking zim. Therefore, Thor could often find zim, but he could never actually _get_ to zim.

It was perfect.

Loki crawled under the bush and sat with zir knees to zir chest, eyes falling on a trail of ants. After a while, ze noticed a humming coming from close by. Blinking, Loki crept to the edge and peered out, seeing the gardener close by. Not wanting to be found here, like a child, Loki crept out of the bush and sat down in front of it instead, watching the gardener. His name was Nard.

As if sensing zim, Nard paused in his humming and glanced around. He raised an eyebrow when his eyes landed on Loki.

“What're you doing there, boy?” The man said, his voice gruff. There was stubble on his cheeks and chin. Loki shrugged in reply, standing and walking over.

“This a 'no talking' day?” Nard asked, raising an eyebrow. Loki knelt in the dirt next to him and nodded. Nard shrugged. “Well, feel free to help. There're gloves in the basket if you want them.”

Loki nodded again and ignored the gloves, pulling weeds and throwing them into the basket. The man went back to his humming and Loki almost smiled. If you asked Nard what he was humming, he would always frown and say “What're you talking about now? I don't hum.”

It was a fortunate thing that Loki knew this tune. Ze hummed along under zir breath and Nard glanced up, raising an eyebrow.

Then again, it seemed like Nard had a permanently raised eyebrow. Loki ignored him and glanced over at what he was planting, recognizing the bluish bulbs. They had to be replanted every year and Nard usually took that job. Loki liked planting them.

They worked on in silence, Loki switching from weeding to planting as they carried on through the row.

“Rumors are that you're not feeling particularly well, kid,” Nard said when they began the second row. “That true?”

Loki shrugged. “'S nothing.”

“Mm. But you haven't been this quiet in ages,” Nard said. “And I haven'[t seen you for an age either.”

“Been busy,” Loki said.

“So I've heard,” Nard said. There was a stretch of silence before he added “Y'know, there're plenty of people willing to listen to you if you wanted to talk. Myself included.” When Loki didn't reply, he pushed “ _Do_ you need to talk to someone?”

“No,” Loki said. “Thanks. I'm— I'm good.”

“Alright,” Nard said, shrugging. “The offer still stands.”

Loki nodded. Ze didn't return to humming, even when Nard began to sing under his breath. When they finished, Loki stood, brushing the dirt off zir hands and picking up the basket. “Come on, kid,” Nard said. “Let's get something to eat.”

* * *

When Loki was fifty-three years old, he had seen a gardener grumbling to himself about invasive vines. Loki ran over and said “Hi!” Making the adult jump.

“What the—” The gardener looked up, lifting a hand to shade his eyes against the sun to get a better look at Loki. “Who the Hel are you?”

“I'm Loki,” Loki said, grinning. “What's your name?”

The gardener studied him for a moment before saying “Nard.”

“Nard,” Loki tried the name out before grinning again. “It's nice to meet you. What are you doing?”

“Gardening,” Nard replied shortly.

“Gardening what?” Loki asked.

“The garden.”

Loki giggled and crouched down to peer at the dirt. “Those are viliminus flowers! I like those, but I wish they didn't have to be planted every year. Why can't they just stay in the dirt?”

“The winter kills the bulbs if they're not taken out in autumn,” Nard replied.

“Ohh,” Loki said, nodding. He was silent for a moment. “Can I help?”

“Help what?” Nard replied, raising his eyebrows.

“Can I help plant them?” Loki asked, then shook his head. “ _May_ I help plant them?”

Nard gave him an incredulous look. “ _You_ want to help plant bulbs?”

“Yes!” Loki said, nodding. “Very much so, sir.”

Nard's lip twitched upwards at that. “Alright, here's a spade,” he said, reaching into the basket and pulling one out. “The hole needs to be three inches deep. Put the bulb in with the point facing up and push the dirt on it again. Don't _pat_ the dirt down or the bulb won't grow.”

Loki nodded, a serious look in his eyes as he accepted the spade and began work.

“And don't put the holes too close to each other or they'll strangle each other,” Nard added. “Leave about five inches between them.”

“Yes, sir!” Loki said, nodding as he worked at his hole.

About halfway through the row, Frigga had found them, looking for Loki. The boy had jumped up and had run over, showing her the spade and bulb he had been about to plant with pride before taking her hand and dragging her over. Frigga had raised an eyebrow at him.

“Loki, have you been bothering the nice man?” She asked. Loki shook his head, eyes wide.

“No, Mother,” he said. She smiled and ruffled his hair.

“Alright then. Go get cleaned up before dinner, you've a streak of dirt on your nose.”

Loki rubbed at his nose with a still-dirty hand, only managing to spread the dirt before putting his final bulb in and covering it, giving the spade back.

“Thank you for letting me help, Mr. Nard!” He called as he hurried away. Frigga grinned and shook her head.

“Thank you for keeping him,” she said. “I hope he wasn't too bothersome?”

Nard huffed. “Seemed fine to me, Majesty,” he said, then mumbled “Asks too many damn questions, though.”

Frigga laughed. “That's Loki alright,” she said and shook her head again. “Thank you again,” she said and hurried off after the boy, calling “Loki, don't get dirt on the walls, please!”

Nard watched after her and huffed, rolling his eyes. He began to hum as he went back to work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki's about nine years old in the flashback from Nard's POV.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor sees a healer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.  
> Claimer: I own Winnfrid Thithdottir. Clearly.

Winnfrid Thrithdottir was an adventure of a woman. She hand blonde flyaway hair that she kept in a braid, but was forever tucking loose strands back behind her ear. Her eyes were hazel and she had a slight accent from her time in Alfheim, making her voice sound almost musical.

As nervous as he was, Thor liked her at once. She smiled when he opened the door and said “Hello, Prince Thor. How are you this evening?”

“Very well, thank you,” he said, accepting her hand and placing a kiss on it. “And yourself, Healer Winnfrid?”

“I'm doing just fine,” she said, smiling. “And you can call me Winn, if you like.”

“Then you must call me Thor,” he said, taking a step away from her.

“Well, then, Thor,” she said, smiling. “Why don't you take a seat and we'll get started?”

Thor sat in the chair opposite her as she gathered some documents. “These are the confidentiality forms,” she said, passing them to him. “I'll need you to read and sign them before we begin. Ask me any questions you might have.”

Thor did as she asked, looking them over and signing them, not having any questions. She accepted them, flipped through, and nodded, putting them aside. “Good,” she said. “I'll have a copy sent to Healer Eir. In the meantime, that means we can officially start!” She sat back, hands in her lap. “Why don't you tell me a bit about yourself, Thor?”

Thor smiled. “What would you like to know?”

“Oh, just some general things,” she said. “I just want to get to know you a bit.”

Thor nodded and tried to relax. “Well, I am first and foremost a warrior and prince of Asgard,” he said. “I have a brother called Loki. I like training and that takes up most of my time. I train some of the new recruits that come through with Tyr.”

“What do you do in your spare time?” Winn asked.

“What do I...” Thor hesitated, not wanting to say 'go out with friends and drink and have adventures.' Instead, he said “I like... carving things. Out of wood.”

“And what sorts of things do you carve?”

Thor shrugged. “A variety of things,” he said. “I haven't done it in a long time, but I liked carving figures, usually animals. Sometimes I make spears or spoons.”

“Why did you stop?” She asked, looking interested.

“I...” Thor paused, frowning. “I... I'm not quite sure. I suppose I got to busy for it, became interested in other things. I was given responsibilities and I found that when I had free time, I'd go on adventures with Loki and our friends. In fact, I spent nearly _all_ my free time with them.”

“Sounds like you and your brother are close,” Winn said, filling a glass of water and passing one to him.

“We...” Thor sighed. “We _were_. He was— _is—_ my best friends, but lately...” He shook his head, taking a sip of water. “Something happened, not that long ago. I don't know,” he admitted. “Loki was always quiet, but lately it seems he can't even stand to be in the same _room_ as me, and I cannot but help think it is my fault.”

“How so?” Winn asked, crossing one leg over the other. Thor sighed and sipped more water.

“I am unsure where to begin,” he admitted.

“Well, why don't you start with the last memory of you two being quite close and go from there?” She suggested. Thor nodded and considered.

“That would be my coronation,” he said. “Or rather, right before.” He smiled a little, looking down. “We were teasing each others helmets...”

He ended up telling her everything, from the coronation to Loki's breakdown in the market. Winnfrid asked questions when he paused for breath, and he did his best to answer them. By the time he had finished, it was nearly the end time for the session and his throat felt dry. He licked his lips and drank the water she had given to him at the beginning as she hummed, changing positions in her chair.

“Thor,” she asked. “Do you still think frost giants are monsters?”

“What?” Thor wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “I don't know. What does it have to do with anything?”

Winnfrid laced her fingers together. “On Alfheim,” she said, “there is a large population of jotnar. In fact, my best friend when I went to school there was a jotun. Ze was talented and a good listener. Ze graduated a few years ahead of our class.”

Thor frowned. “There— You've _met_ frost giants?”

“I've worked with them, lived with them, and learned with them,” Winnfrid said, nodding. “They are legal citizens of Alfheim and are some of the most peaceful people to grace the Nine Realms. In fact, Jotunheim didn't even have a proper army until the reign of Laufey. And ze was by no means a good ruler.”

 _Peaceful?_ “But... how?”

Winn smiled. “Alfheim has had a long standing alliance with Jotunheim, longer than the alliance with Asgard. Many jotnar fled Jotunheim before the war started and refuse to return. Alfheim is willing to keep them safe. But with the reign of Ruler Helbindi, I suspect many will choose to return and rebuild the Realm.” She took a sip of water. “Regardless,” she said, “they are no more savage than the aesir. Less so, as a matter of fact, seeing as they're not warrior-based.”

Thor made a noise of disbelief. Winnfrid sighed.

“Thor, they are not monsters,” she said. “They are different, it is true, and it does not help that you have only seen Jotunheim in ruins. It was once a shining, glimmering city, but with the loss of the Casket of Ancient Winters and its people, it has crumbled.”

Thor on his thumbnail, a bad habit he had picked up from Fandral. He was lost in thought for a few moments before he said “What are they like?”

Winnfrid considered. “Very magic based, much like Alfheim,” she said. “The food consists mostly of meat, but there are certain plants that grow as well. There is only one gender, since they are all hermaphroditic and they go be ze, zim, and zir. As such, there are no gender roles. They are intelligent, yet humble people. They are hunters, but not warriors. They are not wasteful...” She was ticking the various things off on her fingers.

“What else?” Thor asked. Winnfrid sighed, shaking her head as she laced her fingers, putting them in her lap.

“I cannot say from personal experience,” she said. “I've never personally been to Jotunheim, only heard stories. And _oh_ , what stories!” She said and smiled. “They are a very logical people, but possess no small amount of imagination.” She shook her head again, smiling sadly. “It is unfortunate that Laufey ruined their image, how a proud race was destroyed in a matter of centuries. But remember this, Thor.” She leaned forwards a little. “Laufey is the exception to the Jotnar. _Not_ the example.”

Winnfrid leaned back in her chair, glancing at the clock. “And our session is over.”

Thor glanced at the clock and stood. “So it is. Thank you, Healer Winnfrid.”

“You've very welcome, Thor,” she said, smiling as she stood, walking him out. “I'll see you in two weeks, yes?”

“Yes,” Thor said, smiling in return. “Two weeks.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a short chapter, but as I wrote this, I realized I spend WAAAAAY more time developing Loki than I do Thor. This was a really good exercise for writing from Thor's perspective.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left comments/kudos! I'm kinda struggling with schoolwork at the moment, so it's always nice to see that someone's liked my work.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki gets a coloring book and talks about Thor and has what I can only explain to be an overlarge quantity of anger that gets let out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.  
> Claimer: I own Evyn Dolrson. Clearly.  
> I wonder how long I have to keep doing these disclaimers and claimers and stuff.

Loki discovered she was female when she left her hall one afternoon, climbing up to the rafters and walking along them, heading towards her session. She liked traveling this way, unseen for the most part, since it was rare that anyone thought to look up. Her balance was perfect, but she found herself half hoping she would fall off. Sometimes she shook herself out of these thoughts, sometimes she had to climb back down to make sure she didn't _actually_ fall.

Some days, she wondered why she even tried to stop herself.

The medicine had, for the most part, been working. She didn't feel _happy_ , but she hadn't fallen back into an “episode,” as Evyn called them. She also hadn't left the palace grounds for a month now and was becoming rather irritated.

She climbed down to the floor and knocked on the door, waiting for Evyn to call her in. It was a surprise when he opened the door, smiling.

“I thought we'd have our session in the gardens today, if that's alright,” he said. “It's such a lovely day, I thought it a shame to miss it.”

It was indeed a nice day, though Loki hadn't been paying much attention. The weather had been turning colder as autumn approached. But today was warm; the sun was shining and there was very little wind. Loki usually loved this sort of weather, walking through the city to purchase seasonal fruits.

“Loki? Are you here?” Evyn asked and Loki realized her mind had been drifting.

“Hmm? Oh, that's fine,” Loki said. “I don't care.”

“Alright,” Evyn said, smile returning. They walked towards the gardens, side by side. “What were you thinking about?” He asked.

“Nothing,” Loki said. “The weather.”

Evyn tilted his head. “Nothing, or the weather?”

“The weather,” Loki said, wishing he wouldn't do that.

“It's a nice time of year,” he said, ignoring Loki's mental wishes. “It's like this on Alfheim nearly year-round.”

Loki hummed in response. She had been to Alfheim on several occasions, but only ever for official reasons.

“How have you been feeling lately?” Evyn asked. Loki rolled her eyes. This question always irked her as well.

“Fine, I suppose,” she said.

“You seem a bit different today.”

Loki stiffened at the remark. “How so?” She said.

“You're wearing looser clothes,” Evyn said. “And your hair is up.”

Loki had indeed pulled her hair back into a sort of half-updo. Thor had worn his hair like this once or twice, but usually put it in a more elaborate way. Loki couldn't be bothered to do the same.

“I felt like it,” she replied. They soon stopped at a stone bench and sat, enjoying the breeze.

“I have something for you,” Evyn said and Loki glanced at what he was holding. He handed it to Loki, who frowned.

“...A coloring book.” *****

“And pencils,” Evyn added. “I had a lot of my patients draw. It's a good stress reliever.”

Loki flipped through the book, finding various pictures of flowers inside. “Why flowers?” She asked.

“Why not?” Evyn replied with a shrug. Loki closed the book, chewing on her cheek.

“Thank you,” she said, knowing that the book would probably end up tucked away from prying eyes in her bedroom. Evyn smiled and a silence stretched.

“Loki,” he said at last. “What happened during your kingship?”

Loki's heart skipped a beat and she blinked, then turned to look at him, eyes wide. “What?”

“Your kingship,” Evyn repeated. “What happened?”

“I don't want to talk about it,” Loki was quick to answer. Evyn blinked.

“Alright,” he said. “What about Thor's coronation? What was your point of view?”

“Why do you want to know?” Loki asked, anger simmering under the surface. Her hands were growing hot and her stomach felt like it had dropped out from under her. She swallowed and Evyn replied, calm as ever.

“Loki, we have been doing sessions for several weeks now,” he said. “I want to know more about you. Both of those things are major life events.”

“And do I have to talk about them?” Loki snapped, standing up. Evyn raised his eyebrows slightly.

“Not if you don't want to,” he said. “We could talk about your brother inste—”

“He is not my brother!” Loki snarled and then stopped, a cold feeling spreading through her body. Evyn tilted his head to the side.

“How do you mean?”

Loki's mouth felt dry. She swallowed and turned away. “I'm getting hot. Can we go back inside?”

“Of course,” Evyn said and stood, handing the book and pencils back. They returned to the session room and Loki walked in, Evyn closing the door behind them. But instead of sitting, Loki paced.

“Loki,” Evyn said, sitting down, his voice quiet. “Can you tell me what you're feeling right now?”

“No,” Loki snapped. Evyn watched her for a few moments.

“You seem irritated,” he said at last. “And angry. Possibly upset and confused. That's okay, ut I think we need to talk about it.”

“I don't want to,” Loki said, beginning to tremble as the cold feeling spread further.

“Why not?”

“I don't—” Loki shook her head. “I don't know, okay? I don't know!”

“I think you do,” Evyn said.

“I don't!” Loki shouted, turning. “I don't know!”

Her hands were clenched, shoulders tense, teeth bared in a snarl as her chest heaved. Evyn was quiet for a moment before he reached into the basket besides his chair, searching through it for a moment. “Catch this,” he said and tossed something to Loki, who caught it without looking. “Open it up.”

Loki opened the container, jaw clenched, and pulled out a white, almost gluey substance. She took it out and said “Now what?”

“Sit down, please,” Evyn said and Loki glared at him before sitting. “Now,” he said. “Focus on the putty. What does it look like? What does it feel like? What does it smell like? Use your senses, there's no wrong answer.”

Loki rolled her eyes. “It feels sticky,” she said, tone flat. “And slimy.”

“Good,” Evyn said, nodding. “What else?”

“It's white,” she continued, sighing. “And it smells like too many people have been touching it.”

Evyn smiled. “What else? What can you do wit I?”

 _Get it stuck in Thor's hair._ The thought came to her out of nowhere and she blinked. “Get it stuck in hair.” She stopped squeezing it in her hands and let it relax. “Pretend it's spilled milk. Slip on it if it's put somewhere careless.”

“Is that all?” Evyn asked. Loki ground her teeth.

“I can throw it at people,” she said.

“Would that relieve your anger?” He asked.

“Maybe.”

“Throw it at the wall, then.”

Loki looked up at him in surprise. He indicated the wall. “Go ahead,” he said.

And so Loki threw it. She put force behind it, letting the putty fly from her hand. It landed on the wall with a satisfying smacking noise and stuck to the wall.

“Better?” Evyn asked.

“No.”

“Then do it again.”

Loki did, walking over and gathering the putty and throwing it at the opposite wall, letting out a scream this time as she did. She then walked over and punched the wall with another scream, then again and again until Evyn got there and grabbed her wrists, pulling her away. “Let me go!” Loki screamed. “Let me go! Let me go, you _bastard_! Let me _go_!”

He released her and she yelped, catching herself as she stumbled forwards. She stopped screaming and looked at him, her back pressed against a wall. She hadn't been expecting him to _actually_ let her go. Her chest heaved and she wrapped her arms around herself, trembling as the anger dissolved. Her breath trembled and she let herself slide to the floor, squeezing her eyes shut as she curled up.

Evyn knelt down in front of her, not saying anything. Loki clenched her jaw to try and stop it from trembling, hiding her face until Evyn said “Loki. It's okay. This is okay. You can cry.”

"I  _hate this_ ," she let out. "I hate this, I hate this, I  _hate_ this!"

"That's okay," Evyn murmured. "That's okay."

"It's not okay!" She hissed in reply, tears still flowing down her cheeks. "I hate this place, I hate  _Odin_ and  _Thor_ and _you_  the entirety of  _fucking Asgard_. I haven't left the grounds in  _forever_ and I can't without dissolving into a m- _mess_!"

She buried her face in her arms and cried, tears wetting her sleeves, gasping for breath and leaning into Evyn as he placed a hand on her shoulder, rubbing it in reassurance. Loki reached up and grabbed it, squeezing it. "I-" She hissed in between sobs. "I hate  _everything_."

Evyn carefully wrapped an arm around her, like he wasn't sure if she would allow it. Loki leaned further into his embrace and he settled down, humming. "That's okay," he repeated. "That's alright."

It felt like a long time before she quieted, her face flushed, her face a mess of snot and tears. She sniffed and Evyn held out a few tissues, which Loki accepted with a quiet “Thank you.”

She blew her nose, wiping her eyes with her sleeve as she stood, Evyn's grip on her elbow to steady her. She went to the chair and saw down, Evyn pouring her a glass of water. “Here, drink this,” he said,l passing it over. “I often find I feel dehydrated when I cry.”

Loki's cheeks felt hot and she sipped, not saying anything. Evyn settled back down and said “Loki,” he said, voice still quiet. “Why do you think you reacted like that?”

Loki sniffed and shrugged. “I don't know,” she whispered. “I'm sorry.”

“Thank you for the apology,” he said. “And I'm not angry at you. I was just worried you would hurt yourself.” He paused. “ _Did_ you hurt yourself?”

Loki shook her head and he nodded. “That's good,” he said and checked the clock. “Unfortunately, our official session has just ended. But you may stay if you wish to compose yourself before leaving.”

Loki nodded and blinked a little. Evyn stood and walked off, gathering the putty and putting it back into its container.

“I'm adopted,” Loki said at last, feeling hollow. “And I didn't know until recently.”

Evyn sat down again, putting the container of putty back into the basket. “Would you like to talk about it?”

“Session's over,” Loki mumbled, glancing up. Evyn smiled a little.

“I don't have any pressing matters to attend to,” he said. “If you need to talk, then go ahead.”

Loki opened her mouth to speak, but there was a knock at the door. Evyn sighed and said “Hold on a moment.”

He opened the door and slipped out, returning a moment later. “Sorry about that,” he said, sitting down again. “Please, continue.”

Loki nodded and licked her lips, taking another sip of water. “I'm adopted,” she repeated after a while. “But I didn't—” Loki sighed. “I suppose I should tell the whole story. And to start that, I must tell you about Thor.”

Loki sipped more water and put the glass down. She was always better at telling stories when she could use her hands. “Thor has always been an arrogant man,” she said. “Always. He thinks he can hit things with his hammer and never think quite _enough_ about the consequences. He is predictable, but all bets are off when he is angry. He scares every man with his temper, which can be ignited with so much as an ill-placed insult. He is all too forgiving, naïve, trusting, foolish, and _blind_ to the sufferings of those who are less than him.” Loki paused and took a deep breath.

“Regardless of all this,” she said. “He is Odin's favorite and heir. And that is where the story begins.

“Thor has always been the favorite, ask anyone. He is the shining definition of what an aes should be. As such, he has many admirers and can easily get what he wants. The unfortunate thing is that only I could see his worst. He is dangerous and irrational. So when Odin announced that he would be crowning Thor in three years time, I had to say something.

“And so I went to Odin's study,” Loki said, rubbing her eyes. “I tried to voice my concerns to him, but he wouldn't listen.” She paused there and licked her lips again, picking up the water for a sip.

“I should probably tell you about Odin as well,” she said, putting the glass back down. “He never listens to me. He never sees me, but when he does, he treats it like it's— like _I'm_ an inconvenience. I've spent _years_ trying to get his attention, but it seems that no matter what it is I do, I'm never _quite good enough_ for him.

“And so it came to pass that I went to his study to voice my concerns about making Thor King. Hel, I brought it up on multiple occasions, but every time I dared, he brushed it off as 'yet another desperate bid for power',” Loki knew her voice had gone bitter, but she couldn't help it. “And that was even after I announced that I wasn't interested in the throne.

“Oh, but no one listens to _Loki_ ,” she continued, sarcasm dripping in her tone. “No, no, _no_! But then people _don't_ take my advice and they get in trouble. Oh, _then_ they listen, don't they? 'Loki, get us out of trouble,' or 'Loki help us we messed up,' or even 'I know I've insulted you five times today, but I need you to do this for me,' and when I say 'no,' they'll scream and they'll plead until they blame everything on me. And if I relent and help, guess who never gets thanked? Or acknowledged? Or—and this happens the most— _Thor_ takes all the damn credit!”

Loki was pacing now in front of the sofa. She stopped and dropped her hands, sighing as she sat back down. “I'm sure you know by now at least a few of my nicknames,” she said, voice hollow. “Loki the Liesmith, Loki Silvertongue, Loki, Weaver of Words... Nearly all of them have something to do with my ability to speak, all referring to my ability to lie.” She looked up at Evyn. “And yet not _once_ has anyone asked me what I think of it. No one wonders if I like it.”

Evyn had been silent, watching in consideration. Now, he said softly “What _do_ you think of it?”

Loki blinked, now unsure to what to say. She chewed on the inside of her cheek and wiped her eyes. “I don't know,” she said, voice dropping. “I don't— I wouldn't care,” she looked at the floor, running her fingers through her hair. “I just wish...” She sighed. “I just wish someone would believe me when I spoke.”

Evyn said nothing and Loki sighed again, standing up. “Thank you,” she said, picking up the coloring book and pencils. “I'll see you next time.”

“Alright,” Evyn said, also standing. “I'll see you then.”

Loki nodded and walked to the door, but paused and turned. "Evyn?"

"Yes, Loki?" Evyn asked, looking up.

"...I don't hate you. I- I shouldn't've said that."

Evyn smiled. "Thank you, Loki," he said. "I don't hate you either."

Loki nodded and stepped out of the door, closing it behind her and walking back to her hall. She felt raw and exposed and she was almost positive she looked like a mess. When she reached her hall, she closed the door and sat down at her desk, sighing and tossing the book and pencils in front of her, leaning back and closing her eyes.

After a while, she sat straight and looked at the coloring book. With hesitance, she opened the cover, picked out a colored pencil, and began to draw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Thank you to Nyx_Ro for the idea of Loki having a coloring book, as well as everyone who commented and left kudos!
> 
> I gotta admit, this was a hard chapter to write. I figure Loki mostly bottles negative emotions up, and given that her mental state is already kinda unstable, I thought it likely that she would eventually just BURST. I felt like, if that were ever to happen to me during therapy, I would probably just spill everything while bursting into tears (I am, unfortunately, one of those people who cry when they're angry.)
> 
> Alright, so in future chapters, **when the story is in someone else's POV while Loki was previously called a "she," the pronoun will change to "he." This is not meant to cause gender-dysphoria, but if you are especially triggered by such things, let me know and I'll put a warning in the beginning of chapters where that happens.** The only reason I vary between he/she/ze pronouns is so that you guys know what gender Loki is in a given chapter, everyone else uses "he/him/his" pronouns for him at all times because he's not told anyone other than Frigga that he sometimes feels otherwise.
> 
> The backstory to Loki coming out to Frigga will come in much later in the story, but I thought it important to point that out now in case anyone had any questions.


	14. Chapter 14

Evyn sighed as soon as the door closed behind Loki, slumping in his chair and rubbing his eyes.  _I need a drink,_ he thought and stood, walking over to the cabinet and pulling out a bottle and a glass, pouring himself a generous amount. He then sat back down and took out Loki's file.

_Inferiority complex,_ he wrote,  _most likely stemming from brother (and father?). Adopted, possibly no aesir relation. Resentful of brother._ Evyn paused, chewing on the end of the pen as he thought.  _Seems angry about the adoption being kept secret._

Evyn finished writing and sighed, closing the file and taking a gulp of wine as there was a knock at the door. He swallowed, coughed, and called “Come in!”

The door opened and Odin walked in, eye lingering on the drink. “Hard day?” He asked in greeting.

“A bit,” Evyn replied, smiling and sitting up. “What can I do for you, Allfather?”

“You know what I want,” Odin said. “How is he doing?”

Evyn considered. “You know, Allfather,” he said. “I think we've make a breakthrough.”

Odin sat back. “Explain.”

Evyn sighed. “Well, he's starting to open up, which is good. I think he has a wound that has been festering for far too long. But we're beginning to clear it up.”

“And how long will that take?” Odin asked.

“It depends on how long the wound has been there,” Evyn said. “My guess is that it has been there for a long time. Therefore, it will take time to clear it.” He took a sip of wine before looking into his glass, swirling the content. “Emotions are a difficult thing to understand, Allfather. Anger doesn't come from nothing, it is a secondary emotion. I've barely scratched the surface, but I have suspicions about the roots.”

“What has he said?” Odin asked. Evyn looked up at him, a sharp look in his eyes.

“He has said enough,” Evyn replied. “And that is the most I am at liberty to say.”

Odin nodded and looked down. “You must think me a terrible father,” he murmured. Evyn narrowed his eyes.

“You are both a King and a father,” he said to Odin. “I have been neither and therefore cannot say how difficult those jobs are sure to be. But there are differences, Allfather. I'm sure you did the best you could.” _But if you ask me, Loki could have used his father more and his King less,_ he added in his head. He watched Odin for a moment before saying “Do you love him?”

Odin's head snapped up, an indignant look in his eye. “Of course I— How  _dare_ you suggest otherwise!”

“Then I suggest you tell him,” Evyn said, standing. “Now, if you'll excuse me, Allfather, I've a book I would like to finish before I take my supper.”

* * *

Loki woke up as a girl. This wasn't an uncommon occurrence, but it hadn't happened in a long time. Loki was usually able to keep her body looking masculine, even if she wasn't feeling completely male.

With a sigh, she sat up and rubbed her eyes, glancing at the time. It was still dark out and she was still quite tired, so after glancing around the room, she laid back down, pulling the blankets around her.

After an hour, it became clear she wasn't going to be able to get back to sleep. She got up and pulled a blanket around her, shuffling from her halls and to Frigga's study, knocking on the door. She didn't expect Frigga to be there, so it was no surprise when there wasn't an answer.

Frigga was one of the few who knew Loki changed genders every so often. Almost in silence, Loki went into the study and closed the door behind her, leaning against it as she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath as Frigga's perfume surrounded her.

She then went to lay down on the sofa, leaning her head on one of the soft pillows and closing her eyes, burying her face into it to breath in more of her mother's smell. Finally, she fell back to sleep.

* * *

It was often said that Loki's favorite place in the palace, besides his own hall, was the library.

This wasn't exactly the truth.

Though it _was_ true he spent most of his time in his hall and the library, his _favorite_ place was Frigga's study.

Frigga's study was really more of a parlor when one considered it. The walls were a light purple and though there was a desk, it was off to the side, the middle of the room taken up by two sofas facing each other, a short, long table between them. There were flowers arranged around and floor-to-ceiling windows that led out onto a balcony overlooking the gardens. There were bookshelves with Frigga's personal favorites, as well as the spell books she used most often.

Frigga knew of Loki's preferences for her study. When he was a child, she had placed children's books on the lower shelves of the bookshelf for him. He would come in while she worked to talk to her, or sometimes just to find some peace and quiet. Sometimes, though not as often, Frigga would find Loki curled up on one of her sofas, fast asleep. This has begun when Odin had told him that he was getting too old to wake them for his nightmares, or to say he couldn't sleep.

This was one of those mornings. Frigga walked into her study early in the morning—she was always an early riser—and stopped short when she saw the familiar bundle on the sofa, a foot uncovered from the blanket Loki had brought along.

Frigga gave a soft sigh, walking over to the sleeping child—for Loki _was_ , in her mind, still only a child—and peered down, surprised to find a softer jawline. _So it's a girl day,_ Frigga thought and hummed, leaving the child alone as she walked over to her desk, pausing only to put the kettle over the fireplace and open the curtains. The sun hadn't fully risen yet, so she lit several lights as well, glad when Loki only turned over and mumbled in her sleep.

Glancing at her, Frigga sat down and began her work, writing letters and signing documents that needed her approval. When the kettle chirped, she made tea, placing the teapot and an extra cup on the table for Loki to find when she woke. Frigga then went back to work.

An hour later, Loki gave a soft moan to warn of her awakening. Frigga glanced up and smiled, pushing her chair back and walking over to Loki.

“Good morning, my darling,” she said. “How do you feel?”

“Mm 'sphm...” Loki mumbled and sighed. Frigga smiled and reached out, pushing Loki's hair away from her face, tucking it behind her eat and kissing her forehead.

“There's tea if you would like it, love,” Frigga said, and Loki hummed, opening her eyes and blinking at Frigga a few times.

“Tea?”

Frigga smiled and said “Yes, love. There's tea.”

Loki blinked and sighed, squeezing her eyes shut and pushing herself up into a sitting position. “Al'ight.”

Frigga tried to hide her smile as Loki stretched, turning to pour her a cup of tea. She held it out to Loki, who accepted it and pulled her knees up to her chest, blowing on the tea before taking a sip.

“Are you hungry?” Frigga asked, sitting on the sofa how that there was room. Loki gave a nod and Frigga tucked Loki's hair back again. “I'll order us some breakfast then,” she said and stood, walking to the door to ask a servant to fetch a tray of food. Frigga then returned to the sofa. “How did you sleep last night?”

“Mm-mm,” Loki replied, shrugging and taking another sip.

“Did you have bad dreams last night?”

“Mm-mm.” Loki shook her head.

“Have you _been_ sleeping well?”

“Mm-mm.” Another shake of the head and Frigga stroked Loki's hair.

“Then perhaps you should speak to Healer Evyn about it,” Frigga said. Loki huffed and glared at her. Frigga raised her eyebrows. “Don't give me that look,” she said. More gently, she added “That's why you _have_ a healer, Loki.”

Loki huffed again and went back to her tea.

When the food came, Frigga set it on the table and serving herself, handing Loki a plate. Loki peered at the tray, finding fruit, cheese, thin slices of meat, and breakfast buns, along with a pot of hot chocolate. Loki finished her tea and poured herself a cup, tearing the buns in half and dipping them in before eating them.

A few rolls eaten, Loki started in on the meat slices, ignoring the fork and eating it with her fingers. Frigga watched her eat, not bothering to correct the etiquette. Instead, Frigga abandoned her fork as well and ate with her fingers as well.

“Mother,” Loki said, when she sat back, apparently finished. “Did you know that Alfheim has a community of jotnar?”

Frigga looked up at her in surprise. “I did, yes,” she replied. “I've never met them, but I've known about it.”

Loki didn't reply. “I'm not the only small one,” she said at last. “Evyn told me that there are lots of them. They get sent to Alfheim because they can't survive the weather on Jotunheim as well. They're called 'smalls'.”

Frigga watched Loki for a moment, unsure of how to respond. “Loki,” she said at last, “would you like to go and visit?”

Loki's head snapped over to her, eyes widening. “No!” She said, her voice loud, but not shouting. “No.”

“Why not?” Frigga asked, settling back, careful to sound genuinely curious and not reprimanding.

“Because...” Loki shuffled in place for a moment, chewing on the inside of her cheek. “Because... I don't want to. Not yet.” Her eyes rest on the tray of what remained of the food and she groaned, closing her eyes and tilting her head to look at the ceiling.

“What is it?” Frigga asked.

“I forgot to take my medicine,” Loki mumbled. Frigga relaxed and smiled, putting an arm around her.

“You can take it a little later,” she said. “Would you like me to remind you?”

Loki sighed and leaned into Frigga's embrace, nodding and keeping her eyes closed. Frigga kissed her forehead. “Alright,” she murmured. “I will.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS PROBABLY OBVIOUS BUT LEMME GIVE YOU SOME FIRST HAND ADVICE  
> DO NOT PROCRASTINATE ON A PAPER SO THAT YOU ONLY HAVE FOUR DAYS TO WRITE IT  
> JUST WRITE THE FUCKING PAPER
> 
> Now that I've gotten that out of the way, hello! Sorry I haven't posted in a while; schoolwork's been taking up my life. I recently handed in a twelve page short story for my writing class and am getting feedback on it on Monday (and I'm not freaking out about it, nope, not me, definitely not). Anyway, not that my (GOD FUCKING) essay is done with (hopefully), I'm going to spend the rest of the evening writing fanfiction and relaxing.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who left comments/kudos! This fic has officially been viewed more times than _Find Me Lost _and I'm ecstatic! Thanks, everyone!__


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.
> 
> Just as a side note, Loki is feminine in this chapter, however Odin doesn't know about Loki's gender changing, so he refers to Loki in "he/him/his" pronouns.

After breakfast was over, Frigga had to go back to work and Loki went back to sleep, her back to the door. Frigga glanced up every once in a while to glance at the sofa, being unable to see Loki over the top of it.

It wasn't long before a knock came at the door. Frigga waved a hand to let the door open and Odin walked in, holding a stack of paperwork. He paused when he saw Loki on the sofa, frowning slightly before walking over to Frigga, placing the files on her desk.

“The council needs these signed by you,” he said. Frigga hummed.

“As soon as I'm done here, I'll start on those,” she replied. Odin nodded and paused, glancing back at Loki.

“Why is Loki sleeping on the sofa?” He asked.

“Because he is tired,” Frigga replied. “He joined me for breakfast.”

“I see,” Odin said, eye straying to the breakfast tray that was still on the table. Frigga sighed and put her pen down, rubbing her eyes.

“Odin,” she said. “I think it would be good for Loki to meet other jotnar. He says that Alfheim has a community of little ones like him.”

Odin clenched his jaw. “He will _not_ leave the realm—”

“Until Healer Evyn says he's ready,” Frigga finished with a sigh. “I _know_ that, Odin. But I think we ought to bring it up with the healer. He is from Alfheim himself, he will be able to advise us.”

“An what does Loki think about that?” Odin asked, glancing behind him again to where Loki was.

“He says he doesn't want to,” she said. “But I think he ought to think about it as well. It would benefit him to see other jotnar behaving as people. He has heard to many stories that I believe he must see it with his own eyes for him to believe that they—and he!—are not monsters.”

“They _aren't_ monsters!” Odin snapped.

“And I know that!” Frigga snapped back. “But he does not, Odin. The war changed _everything_ and it cannot be changed back unless something is _done_ about it. We cannot wait for things to clear up like they did with the vanir. And for heaven's sake, the only reason things _did_ clear up with the vanir was because Laufey invaded Midgard!”

Odin huffed and crossed his arms. “And what would you do to change that, Frigga? We cannot hope to change people's minds, not after centuries of thinking otherwise.”

“Perhaps on the elders,” Frigga said. “But there are plenty of people willing to change, Odin. There are children willing to learn. The first step, I believe, would be to try and reinstate the treaty with Jotunehim,” she added. “Make up new conditions. They have a new King, and from what I have heard, he has the makings of a good King. Certainly better than Laufey did.” When Odin didn't reply, she added “There was a time when Asgard and Jotunheim were at peace, Odin. I think, for the sake of the Nine Realms, we need to attempt to bring that back.”

“The people will be unhappy about it,” Odin warned her.

“There will always be people who are dissatisfied,” Frigga said. “But I cannot just sit and do nothing, Odin. I've been sitting and doing nothing about this for _too long_.”

Odin looked down, sighing. Frigga leaned forwards and said “Odin, _listen to me_ ,” she said. “We cannot dwell on what we did or did not do in the past. But we _must_ do what we can to fix our mistakes!”

Odin nodded, still looking down. “I'll do what I can,” he murmured. Frigga stood and walked around to him, pressing a kiss to his cheek and taking his hand. “Bring it up in court,” she murmured.

“I will.”

“ _Today_.”

“I will.”

Frigga smiled. “Thank you, my love,” she said. Odin nodded again and she pressed a hand to his cheek, tilting his face up to look at her. “I know you love him, Odin,” she said. “And he loves you too.”

“Does he?” Odin murmured. Frigga hummed.

“Loki loves you,” Frigga said firmly. “Even if he may not _like_ you right now. And that is understandable.”

Odin looked up at her and she raised her eyebrows. “He's angry, Odin, and it is not without reason.”

“Then why won't he—” Odin started loudly, only to be shushed by Frigga, pointing at the sofa where Loki was sleeping. Odin lowered his voice. “Then why won't he _tell me_ what is wrong? I cannot fix anything without knowing what is wrong in the first place!”

Frigga sighed, giving Odin a fond look. “Then you must ask him, my love. And be patient. He is angry and upset with you. Give him time and space, but have care not to push him away.”

“I'm not pushing him away! If anything, he is pushing _me_ —”

“Then give him the space,” she said. “He will seek you out eventually, Odin. He will have questions that I cannot answer. Tell him the truth.”

“I do tell him the truth!” Odin argued. “I really do not see _why_ he is so distressed by finding out that he is adopted.”

“It does not matter _why_ , Odin,” Frigga sighed. “Whatever reason it may be, he _is_ distressed, and that is all that matters.”

“He has not even told Thor,” Odin protested and Frigga shot him A Look.

“Thor invaded Jotunheim on the basis that they were _monsters_ ,” she said, her voice sharp. “And Loki has just found out that he is jotun. Would you not be hesitant? You _must_ think of things from his point of view.”

Odin licked him lips and nodded. “I understand,” he murmured. Frigga nodded and sat down again, taking up her pen as Odin turned to leave.

“Odin,” she said and he paused, turning back. She looked up and said “I would also suggest telling him about Loptr.”

Odin's shoulders tensed and he said nothing for a moment, clenching his hands instead. “No.”

“Odin—”

“ _No_ , Frigga. That wound has long since healed, I _will not_ reopen it!” He snapped.

“Not even for Loki's sake?” Frigga said quietly, raising her eyebrows. Odin clenched his jaw and turned, leaving without another word and closing the door behind him. Frigga sighed and went back to her work until she heard a ruffle of cloth. She glanced up and saw Loki peering at her, eyes blinking.

“Who's Loptr?” Loki asked. Frigga sighed, shaking her head.

“You would have to ask your father, my darling,” she said. “It is something very dear and personal to your father, and therefore not my story to tell. He will when he is ready, Loki.”

Loki blinked at her again and stood, pulling up the blankets and taking the bowl of fruit off of the abandoned breakfast tray, heading back to her hall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW. I haven't posted for a while. Sorry about that; I've not had much time to write, and I think I've re-written the same chapter I've been working on, like, five times because I wasn't satisfied with it.
> 
> On a different note, I'm looking for fics that have a lot of Thor character development (I guess like a character study, or a fic entirely from his POV?), as well as Thor headcanons. If anyone has some favorites, leave a comment!
> 
> Thanks to everyone who left comments and kudos!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.  
> Do I even have to say that I own Winnfrid and Evyn? Oh well. I own them.

Loki spent a lot of time thinking about Loptr over the next few days. He had no idea who, or even _what_ it could be. And so it was that he found himself looking around for the name, poking around the library and records.

Nothing. There was _nothing_. Loki looked everywhere he could think, but there were no records that said anyone called Loptr ever existed.

It was odd, he thought, walking through the gardens. If Loptr had been so important to Odin, then why was there no record of him? Unless Odin had erased the records? _But why would he do_ that _?_ Loki thought and shook his head, heaving a sigh. It was a lovely day, now that he was thinking about it; autumn had begun not long ago and the leaves were just beginning to change. Loki was glad, especially since the summer was really too hot for him. He much preferred the coolness of autumn and spring.

He wondered if it would snow soon.

“Hello, Loki,” a voice called and he turned to see Evyn walking towards him. Loki waited for him to catch up.

“Hello, Healer Evyn,” Loki said, then paused, eyes widening. “I have a session today, don't I?” The session was supposed to be in ten minutes. Evyn just smiled.

“Oh, don't worry,” Evyn said. “I was just heading back. But we can have it out here, if you like.”

“Alright,” Loki said. They walked on and Loki chewed on his cheek. “I never finished my story, did I?”

“No,” Evyn said. “Did you want to tell the rest of it?”

Loki hesitated before giving a nod. “Where was I?” He asked.

“You had said that it started when Odin announced Thor's coronation?” Evyn said. Loki nodded.

“And so I've told you what an arrogant ass Thor is,” he muttered. Evyn smiled.

“Something like that,” he replied and Loki flushed.

“Well, I went to Odin to try and tell him my concerns,” Loki said. “But he wouldn't listen. He kept thinking it was a bid for power, even though I kept telling him I didn't want the throne...” He shook his head. “And so I had to figure something out for myself.

“I went to Jotunheim,” Loki continued, not looking at Evyn to see his reaction. “I talked to Laufey and said I could give him an opportunity to regain the Casket of Ancient Winters. As such, the jotnar broke into the Vault the moment Thor was just about to be crowned.

“Thor was furious of course. He wanted right then to go to Jotunheim and demand answers. He and Odin argued and Odin won, saying that Thor clearly wasn't ready for the throne, which only served to make Thor angrier.” Loki paused for a moment, bending to pick one of the flowers. It was beginning to wilt, but it as fragrant enough. He twirled it around in his fingers as they continued.

“And so I did what I always did, I suppose. I tried to calm him down, saying that I fully agreed with him, then reminded him that it was illegal to go to Jotunheim. Thor being Thor... well...” Loki sighed. “He saw it as a challenge. He got his usual gang of idiots together and asked if I was coming.”

“And did you?” Evyn asked. Loki rolled his eyes.

“Of course I did. _Someone_ has to save his hide,” he replied. “I stopped a guard before we left and told him to get Odin, to tell him what we were set off to do. And then we head off towards the Bifrost. Story short, we arrived and Heimdall let us go. We reached Jotunheim and Thor demanded answer from Laufey, even though we were surrounded by frost giants. I tried to tell Thor that we should go, but...” Loki shook his head. “He just told me to 'know my place'.”

Loki let the flower drop and looked up. “Why does he do that?” He asked, to no one in particular. “I'm- Shouldn't it have been _next_ to him? My place...” He sighed and shook his head. “Anyway, when Laufey gave us the opportunity to leave, I accepted on Thor's behalf and right as we were leaving, a frost giant said 'run away, little princess' and I knew that blood would be spilled that day.”

Loki paused and swallowed. “A fight began,” he said, his voice shaking slightly. “One of Thor's friends, one of the Jotnar grabbed his arm and it _burned_. But when one grabbed _me_...” Loki stopped walking, his fists clenched. “It turned blue,” he whispered. “I'm jotun.”

And that was it. The crashing realization hit him once again and he sat down on a bench, hugging his stomach, fingers grabbing his tunic. Evyn sat next to him and Loki continued “We were in the middle of battle, so I couldn't do anything about it. But then Odin came and Laufey declared war. Odin took us back and he banished Thor and— and—”

Evyn placed a hand on Loki's shoulder and Loki took a deep breath, closing his eyes and sitting a little straighter, hands falling into his lap. “I'm okay,” he said. “I'm okay.”

“Are you sure?” Evyn asked, voice quiet. “We can come back to it, if you like.”

Loki gave a laugh. “If I don't do it now, I'll never finish,” he said. Evyn nodded and waited. Loki took one more deep breath. “I went to the vault,” he said. “Over to the Casket of Ancient winters. When I touched it, I turned again. It was then that Odin found me and told me everything.

“He found me, you see, in a temple. Abandoned. Laufey's son. He took me so that one day he could unite the kingdoms through me.” Loki chewed on his cheek for a moment. “But then he said that those plans no longer matter. But I was angry and I shouted and before my eyes, he fell into the Odinsleep, there on the steps.”

Loki gave a slightly hysterical laugh. “Do you know what it's like, seeing your father collapse in front of you? I thought I'd caused it,” he said, rambling. “Of course, I called for the guards and Mother later assured me that it had been coming for a while, that he was putting it off until he'd crowned Thor. But then I was crowned instead.

“Thor's friends thought I had stolen the throne, I think,” Loki mused, looking at his hands. “I told them not to get Thor and told Heimdall not to let anyone through the Bifrost, either in or out. It was only a few hours later that they had set off and Heimdall let them go.”

Loki picked at a loose thread. “I changed my mind,” he mumbled. “I don't want to talk about this anymore.”

“Okay,” Evyn said. Neither said a word for the rest of the session. When the hour and a half was over, Loki stood and walked off, making his way back to the palace. 

* * *

Winnfrid smiled as Thor walked in, closing the door behind him. “Hello, Thor,” she said. “What've you been up to?”

Thor shrugged, sitting down. “Not a lot, I must say,” he said. “I've... been trying to talk to Loki. Still to no avail,” he added and sighed. “I'm not sure what to do.”

“Well, what do you want to talk to him about?” Winnfrid asked.

“His adoption,” he said. “Mostly. I understand finding out about it upset him, but I don't know _why_.”

“Hmm.” Winnfrid crossed one leg over the other. “Do you have any ideas? When did he find out?”

“When I was... away, I suppose,” he said, letting his head hang back to look at the ceiling. “I'm not sure. And he didn't say a lot when I returned, just kept repeating that I wasn't his brother.” Thor huffed. “After a thousand years, he just... _throws_ it all away just because he's _adopted_! And he won't even tell me why.”

Winnfrid pursed her lips. “Thor, you mentioned last session that Loki was different from most other people. Could you explain how?”

Thor sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face. “He's... Well, he's _bookish_ ,” he said. “And quiet, though he's good at speaking. He's called a silvertongue for a reason.” Thor grinned for a moment. “He's shy and sensitive and not very good at fighting with swords. He likes magic, which is strange since he's not a woman...”

“And why is that odd?” Winnfrid asked, raising an eyebrow. “Men in Alfheim and Vanaheim practice magic.”

“Yes, but they're not _aesir_ ,” Thor pointed out. Winnfrid paused.

“Except that Loki is adopted,” she pointed out. “Is it possible he could be vanir or alfr?”

“I-” Thor paused. He hadn't thought about it. He then flushed. “You cannot repeat anything I tell you, yes?” He said.

“That was in our agreement,” Winnfrid said. “Under law, I am restricted from telling anyone anything you tell me, unless I am given permission from you.”

Thor nodded, leaning forwards, his elbows on his knees. “Loki's hermaphrodite,” he said at last. “It's... He doesn't like people to know.” He paused and said “Are... Are there any species that are... That have both...?”

Winnfrid raised her eyebrows. “Well, it's not _unheard_ of in any race,” she said. “But the jotnar are almost completely hermaphrodite, in which both areas of genitalia may be used.”

“I see.” Thor's face was burning and he wasn't looking at her. “Well, I don't know about _that_...” He fell silent for a few moments before sitting back again, suddenly, as if an idea had struck him. “Are you- Do you think...?”

“What?” Winnfrid asked, a curious look on her face.

“Could Loki be...? No, impossible,” Thor dismissed. “He couldn't be... Could he?”

“What are you thinking, Thor?” She asked. Thor shook his head.

“Could- Could Loki be a frost giant?” He said, brows furrowed.

“It's certainly possible,” Winnfrid said, nodding. “As I've said before, the jotnar are known to produce smaller ones, usually called 'Smalls'. They're more apt to magic, which is saying something, since the jotnar are already very magic based.”

Thor continued to shake his head, not looking at her. Loki letting the jotnar in, Laufey falling into is trap, Loki telling him he wasn't his brother ( _“I never was!”_ ), Loki using the casket, Loki _not telling him what his heritage was_.

“Oh, Norns, what have I _done_ ,” Thor whispered, horrified. He stood and said “I- I have to go, I have to speak with him, have to- I'll be back later!”

He fled from the room, leaving the door open behind him as he raced down to Loki's halls, pounding on the door. “Loki!” He called. “Loki, I must speak with you!”

No answer. Thor opened the door and walked in. “Loki?”

He wasn't there. Huffing, Thor went to the library, hissing Loki's name as quietly as he could and _still_ getting dirty looks from the librarian. He went to the gardens and growled, calling “Lo _ki_!”

“He's not here,” a gardener grumbled, rolling his eyes.

“Then were _is_ he?” Thor asked, hand clenched.

“Try the kitchens.”

Thor glared. “And _why_ would he be in the kitchens?”

“You'd be surprised,” the gardener replied and Thor went off again. To his surprise, he found Loki curled up in the corner of the kitchens, reading a book. There was a mug of tea next to him along with an untouched bowl of sausages and peppers.

“Loki? May I speak with you somewhere more private?” Thor said as he crouched next to his brother.

“No.”

“Loki, please,” Thor said, glancing around. Loki glared at him.

“What do you _want_ , Thor?” He asked, closing his book.

“Not here,” Thor insisted. Loki huffed and put the book down, standing and following Thor out to the back orchards. When they were alone, Loki crossed his arms, as if to protect himself.

“Will you tell me _now_?” He said, looking irritated. Thor glanced around and leaned in.

“Loki,” he said, suddenly nervous. “Loki, are you... Are you a jotun?”

Loki froze, his eyes widening. Thor hurried on “No one told me, I swear! I just... figured it out.” Loki continued to say nothing, his whole body tense. Thor glanced at the ground and took a step forwards. “It changes nothing,” he insisted even as Loki shuffled back. “I swear, brother, if I had known-”

“I am not your brother,” Loki said, his voice strangely detached. “I'm _not_.”

“Loki, we were raised together!” Thor said, taking another step. “We played, we _fought_ together. Do you not remember that?”

“I remember a shadow!” Loki hissed, stepping forwards, his arms away from his chest now, but his hands curled into fists. “I remember being in the shadow of your _greatness_. I had to fight tooth and nail for every victory and even _then_ you had to shove be behind you! How many times, Thor?” He continued, voice raising. “How many times did you tell me to 'know my place'? How many times did it remind all who heard that _I wasn't as good as you_! I only ever wanted to be your equal and you _pushed me away_ even when I-”

Loki paused, straightening and backing away, clenching his jaw and fists. “My place _should_ have been next to you,” he said, his voice returning to a lower level. “I see that now. _I_ fixed your messes once too many times and lived with the consequences of _your_ actions. You may have gained 'humility,' or 'worth,' or whatever it was the Allfather sent you to Midgard for, but you lost a brother. Who's fault is that?”

Loki backed away a few steps before turning, heading back into the kitchens and leaving Thor to stare at him speechless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it's been a while. I kinda wanted Thor to figure out that Loki was jotun without anyone explicitly telling him. I also thought it was important that he ask Loki directly, instead of having Odin or Frigga confirm or deny his suspicions.
> 
> This is really part one of this chapter. I'll post another chapter either today or tomorrow. Thank you to everyone who left comments/kudos!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel.  
> Claimer: I own Winnfrid.

“Loki...” Thor said, walking after his brother. “Loki, please.”

“Go away, Thor,” Loki said, not turning back around. Thor grabbed his arm and pulled him around, placing his hands on his shoulders. “Oh, for the love of Yggdrasil, Thor _let me_ -”

Thor pulled Loki into an embrace. It was rather like trying to hug an angry cat, he thought; there was a lot of hissing, squirming, and clawing as Loki tied to get away. The only difference, really, was that Loki was also spewing insults at him.

Thor ignored it, holding Loki until he said “Thor, _please_ , let me _go_!”

There was a note of desperation in his tone and Thor almost released him, but not before he pressed his cheek to the top of Loki's head.

“I have dreams where I did not catch you,” Thor said, his voice hollow. “I have dreams where you fell. I have dreams where you never caught the end of Gungnir and you simply fell. I have dreams where I cannot catch you in time and you simply fall through my fingers.” He squeezed Loki tighter. “And when I wake, I fear that you are not there, that I have been dreaming.”

Thor pulled away, but kept his hands on Loki's shoulders, looking him in the eye. “I did not know why you did what you did,” he said. “But Loki, I am a blind fool. I am a _fool_ ,” he emphasized, shaking Loki a little, “for not seeing you. Loki, you _are_ my brother and I love you. Nothing, not even your heritage could change my mind. Call me an idiot for it if you so wish, but it is the _truth_.” He took a deep breath and lowered his head. “Loki, I am sorry,” he said quietly. “I am _sorry_.”

Loki took a few steps back, his jaw clenched, his eyes flickering to take Thor in. “Prove it,” he said at last.

“How?” Thor asked. “Please, tell me _how_.”

“Figure it out,” Loki said, turning around. “Your words change nothing, Thor. You have much to apologize for, but you do not even truly understand all of it. Look, Thor, really look. Understand what you are apologizing for. When you get it, come back and try again.”

“Will you accept it then?” Thor asked. Loki didn't reply, heading back into the kitchens. Thor sighed and hung his head, guilt burning through him as he turned and went to go back to Winnfrid.

* * *

“How did it go?” Winnfrid asked as Thor settled back into the chair. Thor didn't reply, lost in his thoughts. Winnfrid sat back down in her chair and watched him for a few minutes.

“We still have an hour to go with our session,” she said when Thor remained silent. Winnfrid poured him a glass of water, placing it in front of him. Thor accepted it, but didn't drink it, merely looking at the glass.

“Thor?” She said. “Are you going to speak for the rest of the session?”

Thor swallowed and let out a heavy sigh, shaking his head.

“That's alright,” Winnfrid said. “Would you like to play a game of some sorts?”

Thor shook his head again. Winnfrid nodded and sat back. “Alright,” she said and waited. When the hour was up, she hummed and said “Thor. Time's up.”

Thor nodded and stood, placing the glass of water on the table. He left, meaning to return to his hall, but slowed when someone called his name, turning and seeing, to his surprise, Volstagg running to greet him. Thor stopped and waited for him to catch up, trying to act as if nothing was wrong.

Volstagg was smiling as he walked over, however Thor's act must have failed, for the smile faded as his friend got nearer, brows knitted in concern. “Thor?” he said. “Whatever is the matter my friend?”

Thor licked his lips, frowning a little. “Volstagg, answer me truly,” he said, hesitant.

“Of course,” Volstagg said. Thor nodded, wondering how to phrase his concern.

“Do you think I ever treated Loki unjustly?”

Volstagg considered, looking at the ground. “I can't say,” he said. “We were, admittedly, a bit hard on him at times, but it was never nothing he couldn't handle.”

“Do you think it ever affected him?” Thor asked.

“No, why would it?” Volstagg replied. “Nothing you ever did would effect him for _too_ long. He is jealous of you, but he looks up to you as well.”

Thor blinked. “He does?”

Volstagg laughed. “Of course he does!” He said, grinning. “Anyone from miles away could see _that_. Volstagg shook his head and gave a snort. “Thor, do _you_ think you ever treated him unjustly?”

Thor blinked looking at the ground. “I thought not,” he said, his voice low. “But now...” He trailed off uncertainly..

Volstagg's smile slipped away again. He placed a hand on Thor's shoulder and said “Loki loves you dearly, Thor. But be that as it may, he _was_ very often jealous of you.”

Thor flinched. “He never should have had a reason to be,” Thor murmured. “He _would_ have made a good king under different circumstances. He was always better at diplomacy than I.”

Volstagg at Thor in silence for a moment. “Thor,” he said. “Would— Do you need to be around people tonight? We could go to a tavern and drink a few rounds, perhaps invite Sif along.”

Thor considered the offer for a few moments, then shook his head. “Not tonight, my friend,” he said, voice low. “I need time to think.” He paused and then looked up. “Volstagg,” he started, “why did you and the others come fetch me from Midgard?”

“Why?” Volstagg blinked. “Because Loki would not.”

Thor nodded. “Then I suppose he understood.”

Volstagg frowned. “Understood what?”

Thor turned and walked off, saying behind him “Everything, my friend. Loki understood _everything_.”

* * *

Loki was absent from dinner again. Now that he was no longer required to eat with them, this was nothing to be worried about, but Thor poked at his food, unusually quiet.

“Thor?” Frigga said. “Darling, is something the matter?”

Thor didn't reply for a moment. “When will the Bifrost be complete?” He asked, looking up at Odin.

Odin paused. “Why do you need to know?” He said.

“I want to go to Alfheim,” Thor replied.

“And what is the reason for that?” Odin asked. Thor huffed.

“To learn about the jotnar there.”

Frigga and Odin exchanged a look and Thor sat back, crossing his arms with a huff. “I'm not _stupid_ ,” he said. “Did you think I wouldn't eventually figure it out? Loki only began to act strange when we returned from Jotunheim. I do not know the details, but I assume he somehow learned of his heritage there.” He picked up his fork again. “I want to learn about them. For Loki.”

“Does Loki know this?” Odin asked.

“What, that I know about him?” Thor said and nodded. “Yes. I asked him about it.”

“Darling, I think he meant your plans,” Frigga said. Thor shrugged.

“No. I didn't tell him. He refuses to speak to me.”

“I think you should both go,” Odin said and Thor looked at him.

“You approve?” He said.

“Of course I do,” Odin replied. “In fact, I encourage it. Go to Alfheim when the Bifrost is fixed and take Loki with you.”

Frigga hummed. “Perhaps you should go with them,” she said, taking a bit of food. Odin looked up at her.

“And why is that?” He asked. Frigga hummed and swallowed.

“Because it has been quite a long time since you went,” she said. “And I think the experience will be good for you. _All_ of you.”

Odin sighed. “Frigga...”

Frigga shot him A Look. “ _Odin_ ,” she said back. “Go with your sons.”

“There will be time to talk about that later,” Odin said, glancing for a moment at Thor. Thor frowned and crossed his arms.

“Actually,” he said. “I think you and Loki should go alone.”

Frigga smiled at Thor. “I think that's a lovely idea,” she said and Odin glared at her. Frigga smiled up at Odin, ignoring him and continuing “Well, then, that's settled. As soon as Loki agrees-”

“And who is to say he _will_?” Odin snapped.

“I do,” Frigga said. “Loki will eventually agree. And when he does, you and he will go to Alfheim.”

“We do not have a Bifrost,” Odin reminded her. “It will take at least a year to rebuild it.”

“Then I suppose I have plenty of time to convince Loki to go,” she said and pushed back from the table. “Unless, of course, you take a Passage. Now, if you will excuse me, I have things to attend to.”

Frigga left, graceful as ever, and Odin went back to his food, muttering under his breath. Thor blinked at him and then looked back at the door Frigga had left from.

“So,” he said at last, looking back at Odin with a grin. “What have you against going to Alfheim with Loki? Alone?”

Odin growled at him and gave him A Look of his own, making Thor's grin vanish at once.

“Sorry,” he muttered and looked back down at is food. After a moment, Thor stood, muttering “excuse me,” and leaving the hall after Frigga, leaving Odin alone.

Odin sighed when the door shut, putting his elbows on the table and running his hands through his hair, closing his eye. The moments passed in silence until he too stood and left the hall.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to have this up muuuuuuch sooner, but I was unfortunately in the car all day. Sigh.
> 
> Thanks for the comments and kudos, everyone! I broke 100 comments AND 4,000 views! Needless to day, it's made me pretty happy.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.  
> Claimer: I own Evyn. Clearly.

“My mother would like me to go to Alfheim with Odin,” Loki said. She was feeling distinctly feminine, uncomfortably so, and was thus fidgeting more than usual in her seat.

“Oh?” Evyn said, tilting his head, inviting Loki to say more. Loki nodded, but when she said nothing, Evyn prompted further. “Do you _want_ to go?”

“No...” Loki looked down at her hands. “...I don't know,” she admitted, glancing back up.

“Okay,” Evyn said, crossing one leg other the other. “Why _wouldn't_ you want to go? What are the pros and cons here?” Loki shrugged. “Alright, why don't we make a list? Would you like to do that on your own time, or right now?”

“My own time,” Loki said and nodded before saying “Thor knows I'm a jotun.”

“Oh?” Evyn said, raising his eyebrows.

Loki nodded. “He figured it out, apparently. I'm not sure how, but he did; he came up and asked about it the other day. I didn't tell him, I was careful about not leaving clues-” Loki stopped and slumped into her chair, throwing an arm over her eyes with a groan. He said sorry. As if that changes anything,” she added under her breath. She sprang to her feet and began to pace.

“He doesn't even know what he's apologizing _for_!” She said. “He has _no idea_ what it is he has done! He just thinks he can say 'sorry' and that everything is okay...”

Evyn hummed. “Loki,” he said. “I think this is a good thing.”

Loki glared at him and Evyn raised his hands. “Hear me out,” he said. “Thor's apologized. Perhaps you think it changes nothing, but in my eyes, I see it as an opportunity. Like he's opening his doors to you.”

“Maybe I don't want to go in,” Loki replied, crossing her arms.

“Then that's your decision,” Evyn said, tilting his head in acknowledgment. “And I'm not telling you to forgive him. I'm not telling you do do anything. Really, both of you need to be willing to move past this.”

“But the idiot doesn't even understand what he has done!” Loki repeated, throwing herself back on the sofa.

“And have you told him?” Evyn asked.

Loki huffed and crossed her arms, looking at the wall. “If he doesn't know already, then he's never _going_ to.”

Evyn sighed a little. “Loki, remember what I've said? Even though you and Thor have the same memories, you have very _different_ experiences. It is entirely possible that Thor doesn't know the extent of what he has done to you. Perhaps you need to tell him more about how you feel.”

Loki didn't look at him. “How can I?” She said. “He'll only dismiss it, or tell me I'm overreacting. He _never_ takes me seriously, not when I told him how much I loved magic. He even once said that I'm not _capable_ of sincerity.” Loki shook her head and rubbed at her eyes. “I just- Norns, I _hate_ him.”

Evyn was quiet for a moment, thinking. “Loki,” he said. “You are hesitant to trust Thor and Odin. It sounds like the reason, to me, is because they have made you and your emotions seem invalid.” He paused and added “In my experience, when someone talks about a person they are or were close to and says they 'hate them,' it can be translated to 'I was hurt by this person.' Thor and Odin have hurt you; you feel rightfully betrayed, especially by Odin.”

Loki twisted the hem of her shirt. “That's the thing about betrayal, isn't it?” She said, voice shaking a little. “It always comes from those you least suspect.” Loki shook her head before looking up at Evyn. “He should have told me what I was,” she said, voice still shaking. “Why...? Why didn't he tell me?”

Evyn's eyes turned sad. “I don't know, Loki,” he said. “Though, I have a few suspicions.” He waited for Loki's eyes to meet his before continuing. “Parents do what the hope is best for their children. They try to do better than their parents. Asgard's views of the jotnar are not especially desirable. I think he thought he was protecting you from the hatred that you might find if he had revealed your heritage.”

Evyn paused and took Loki in for a moment. “Loki,” he said. “What do you think of the jotnar?”

_Monsters,_ the word flashed through her mind and she squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head. “I don't know.”

Evyn nodded, quiet for a moment. “I think you should go to Alfheim,” he said at last. “I think it is important for you to see other jotnar as they go about their day to day lives. If there is one thing that can be aid about the jotnar,” he added, “they help their own kind, no matter what. You may not believe it yet, but they are generally  _kind_ people.”

Loki swallowed and looked down. Nothing was said for a few moments until Evyn said “I was walking around Asgard yesterday. Funny, what you can learn about a race from its people.” He smiled at Loki. “Loki, I think you know as well as I do that there is a difference between a civilization's nobility and commoners. You've walked amongst your people, seen their experiences, even  _helped_ them, from what I've heard. Knowing you, I do not find this hard to believe.”

Loki shrugged. “It wasn't  _that_ much,” she dismissed. “Just a few things here and there.”

“Well, whatever you did,” Evyn said, “those people love you.”

“They don't know me,” Loki said, looking away. Evyn tilted his head.

“I rather think they do,” he said. “Loki, how would you describe the people who live in the palace? The lords and ladies and such, I mean.”

Loki snorted. “Rude,” she said. “Inconsiderate. They've got strange concepts of honor. They're liars and manipulators, the lot of them.”

“And how would you describe the people?”

Loki hesitated. “Hard working,” she said at last. “They... It depends. The people born with wealth feel entitled. Their privileged and don't realize it. They have  _no idea_ what they could do. The people, on the other hand, the lower class...  _they_ are hardworking. Sometimes, for all the work they do, they get  _nothing_ in return. I saw them struggling and...” She shrugged.

“You wanted to help,” Evyn nodded.

“How could I not?” Loki said, looking up. “I do nothing to deserve what I have, I was simply born— _brought_ into it. But those people... They deserve _so much more_ than they get. What use is wealth and privilege if I cannot _help_ people?”

Evyn sat back, looking triumphant. “Loki,” he said. “I have met many people of nobility, from all over the Nine. Believe me when I say there are precious few who think like you do. You are a good person.”

Loki looked down, flushing. Evyn smiled. “When was the last time you went out into the city?”

“Not for a little while,” she replied, shrugging. “Not since... Not since the episode.”

“I see.” Evyn hummed. “Loki, if you would ever like to go out, but do not know who to bring, I would willingly join you.”

Loki's eyes snapped up to him. “You  _would_ ?” She said, eyes wide.

“Of course,” he said. “Any time you wish to go, just let me know.”

Loki blinked at him a few times and Evyn checked his watch. “Looks like our session's up...”

“Could we go _now_?” Loki asked, standing. “Right now?”

“Right now?” Evyn smiled. “Give me about fifteen minutes. Don't you need to tell someone here where you're going?”

Loki nodded. “I'll be back!” She called and ran off to her hall to find Frigga.

* * *

When Loki was about six-hundred-thirty years old and Thor six-hundred-sixty, they were given the task of acquainting themselves with the people of Asgard.

Thor had already somewhat done this; he and his friends often went to pubs and told stories of their adventures to all who would listen, but Loki rarely left the palace grounds, unless it was to join Thor on one of his aforementioned adventures.

And so it was that, the people knew and saw more of Thor than they did Loki. This wasn't a problem to Loki; it meant that he could travel wherever he wished without anyone recognizing him, and that suited him just fine.

However, the task was given, and so Loki and Thor talked about what the might do.

It was Loki's idea to visit the orphanage on the outskirts of Thieves' Square, even if Thor had told their parents about the idea first. Frigga approved, so Thor and Loki went, the Warriors Three and Sif following along.

The boys at the orphanage took instantly to Thor, picking up long sticks and pretending they were swords, Thor teaching them moves with a stick of his own. The Warriors Three laughed and played along, Sif teaching the few girls who had joined along.

Loki, on the other hand, was sitting on the floor, with several other girls crowded around him, their eyes wide.

“Will you let me paint your nails?” One of them asked, blinking at Loki. Loki raised his eyebrows and blinked, taken aback.

“If you like,” he said at last. “What color?”

The girl grinned in delight and went to fetch her kit of polishes, setting them on the floor before Loki, putting down a sheet of paper and telling him to put his hands on it.

“What color do you want?” The girl-Anie he learned later-asked. Loki peered at the selection, finding multiple shades of pink, one bottle of yellow, orange, and red.

“Which one do _you_ like best?” Loki asked. Anie hesitated and one of the other girls picked one up.

“This one!”

It was a light, powder pink. Anie smiled and nodded. “This one,” she agreed and tried to open it before holding it up to Loki. "Can you open this, please?"

Loki complied and so Anie painted Loki's nails, about as well as you would expect a child of thirty-two to do. A few of the other girls joined in, braiding his hair and sitting on his lap, giggling and painting each others nails as well.

“Tell us a story!” One of them said and Loki raised his eyebrows, complying with the request and telling them of one of his and Thor's adventures.

One of the girls then raced off to fetch the boys, jumping up and down and saying excitedly “Loki's telling a story!”

The boys abandoned Thor then, and sat around Loki, who's nails were still getting painted. Thor had followed, and soon laughed aloud.

“Painted nails, little brother?” He asked, grinning. “One might think you were a girl!”

Loki paused for a moment, going tense. Anie looked up at him, her eyes wide and lip trembled. “I think they're pretty...” She said and Loki swallowed before smiling at her.

“Painting nails helps tune fine motor skills, brother,” Loki replied, keeping his eyes on the little girl. “It takes practice not to be able to shake ones nails, and it is a great skill to have. Besides,” he added, grinning at Thor. “Do you not remember your short time as a woman, brother?”

Thor's eyes widened and he lifted a finger. “Don't you _dare_ -”

“It's quite the amusing story,” Loki continued and the children pleaded for him to tell it.

And tell it he did.

It was an amusing story, to hear how Thor gambled away Mjolnir to a troll, dressing as a woman to get it back. Loki explained that yes, he too had dressed as a girl.

At the end of the day, Loki and Thor returned to the palace, Loki's nails painted pink and yellow. He cleaned up the polish that had gotten around his nails and onto his fingers, but continued to wear the polish until it peeled off about a week later, using an illusion to hide it.

After that, Loki continued to return to the orphanage once a month, clearing his responsibilities for an afternoon to make himself available. He brought books along to read aloud and sometimes treats, allowing them to paint his nails, and painting theirs in return. He made sure every child had a gift when Yuletide came around and donated money regularly.

The children adored him. He set a few up with families, some with apprenticeships, anything to get them out of the orphanage and set them up to have better lives.

Those who were out of the orphanage, who had grown up a bit, understood what he had done for them. They were grateful for what he had done for them, even if they had run away from the orphanage before they were of age. He knew all of their names and never made them feel like they were forgotten. When he came, the children would show him things they had drawn, or to recount a story to him. He listened, giving each and every child his undivided attention.

Loki made them feel _loved_ , and it was often that Loki told them how very very _proud_ of he was of them. After all, it was rare that anyone ever said it to _him_.

And when Loki looked at their small faces smiling up at him, wanting to show him new things?

Well, that made him feel all the more special in return.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH MY GOODNESS THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!! I don't think I've ever gotten so much response from a chapter before! I can only hope you like this chapter as well; I was uncertain about it when I wrote it, but I wanted to show that Loki's been conflicted about looking/acting feminine for a while, and that he really does have a great love for the people of Asgard.
> 
> In any case, the servers around my house apparently hate me and AO3; my computer keeps showing "503 Service Unavailable" in my browser. I'm not sure why, but I hope this chapter actually posts...


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Loki.  
> Claimer: I own Evyn, Grid, and the children.

Loki and Evyn went out into the city, using the back roads to avoid the crowds. Evyn walked a bit behind, Loki walking with intent towards their destination. Evyn had no idea where they were headed, but he seemed content enough to follow behind.

Loki had a bag slung over his shoulder, full of books and pencils, and even a package of writing paper. They walked into a less crowded area of the city and Evyn glanced around.

“Loki, where are we?” He asked, catching up and falling into step next to his patient.

“This part of town has many names,” Loki said. “But it is, in short, Asgard's poorest district. It's called Thieves' Square. It's a misconception, really,” he added at Evyn's look of surprise. “The people here are good enough. Some steal in order to make their living. They don't _like_ it,” she sighed, “but it does happen.”

Loki turned a corner and walked into the main street, pausing at an apple seller's cart. Evyn lingered behind Loki as he bargained with the seller, then paid him and walked off, a few apples in a bag.

“What was that about?” Evyn asked, tilting his head.

“I bought all his apples,” Loki said. “And told him to give him away to anyone who wanted one.”

“And what about those?” He asked, nodding at Loki's bag. Loki grinned.

“You'll see,” she replied.

It wasn't long before they reached a tall brick building, surrounded by a tall gate. Loki walked to the entrance and rang the bell, waiting.

“This is an orphanage,”Evyn noted. Loki smiled.

“Yes, yes it is.”

They didn't wait long for someone to come. A woman in a pale grey dress came, her brown hair tied back into a bun. She smiled when she saw Loki and pulled out a key, unlocking the gate and opening it for them.

“Good afternoon, your Highness,” she said. “The children were beginning to worry you'd forgotten about them.”

“Who, _me_?” Loki said, pressing a mock-aghast hand to his heart. “Never. This is Evyn,” he added with a smile. “He's an acquaintance of mine.”

“A pleasure, sir. Call me Grid,” the woman said and locked the gate behind them, leading them through the building and into a courtyard. Loki slung his bag of apples and books down and sat on the ground, leaning against one of the few trees there. Evyn stood, somewhere out of the way until a child peered out into the courtyard. A smile broke across her face and she ran back inside shrieking “The prince is here! The prince is here!”

A few minutes later that the yard was filled with children all huddling around Loki, who was smiling and handing out apples. A few of the girls ran back inside, reappearing with hair ties and nail polish, Loki obediently spreading his fingers on the ground for two or three girls to paint, while three others went about braiding his hair. It wasn't long before one of the girls ran up to Evyn.

“Can I do your nails?” She asked, blinking up at him with big brown eyes.

“Of course, sweetness,” Evyn said and she took his hand, leading him over to where Loki was sitting and ordering him to sit down. Loki turned to him for a moment, flashing him a quick grin before returning to whatever story he was telling. A few of the younger ones crawling into his lap to listen, while some of the older children found the books, paper, and pencils.

It wasn't long before the children were showing him the pictures they had drawn, others trying to tell him of important events that had happened while he was away.

“...Or maybe it was a wolf!” The boy said, eyes wide as he told Loki of the animal he had seen several nights before. “It was big and had four legs and a big fluffy tail, but it was too dark to see.”

“Oh, _my_ ,” Loki said, eyes also wide. “Where were you that you saw this creature?”

“I was in my room,” he said. “I saw it through the window.”

Another boy butted in and added “I saw it too!”

“So did I!” Three other boys confirmed, all nodding.

“That must have been _very_ exciting,” Loki agreed. “It didn't come through the gate, did it?”

“Nooo,” the boys chorused.

“I saw a rac _coon_ come through the gate!” One of the girls said, leaning on Loki's knee to look up at him. “It was _thiiiis_ big,” she said and sat back, spreading her arms out.

“That big? My goodness,” Loki said, looking impressed. “Were you afraid?”

The little girls crossed her arms, smiling and shaking her head. “No! I threw a stick at it and said _go away_!”

“And did it go away?” Loki asked.

“No,” the girl admitted. “It hissed at me.”

“Hmm,” Loki said. “Perhaps I should take a look at the gate then and make sure it doesn't come back.”

The conversations went on like this, Loki painting the children's nails and telling more stories, until the sky began to grow dark. Loki stood and the children followed him inside, Evyn trailing behind, leaning against the doorframe.

“He's very good with them, isn't he?” Grid said, coming to stand next to Evyn, who smiled and nodded.

“Yes, he is,” he agreed. “How long's he been doing this for?”

“Oh, several centuries now, I believe,” Grid said, shaking her head. “Since before he was of age, at least. He does a lot for them, too; many of the children here are set up with families or apprenticeships. It is because of him that we have the funds to give the children a firm education until they are of age. And besides that, all of the children simply _adore_ him.

“I can see that,” Evyn said, giving a small laugh. “They're all over him.”

There was a whine of protest inside and Evyn turned back to see the children trying to hug Loki's middle. Loki smiled and ruffled their hair before turning towards the door.

“Time to go,” he said and Evyn nodded, following behind. The children followed them, but waited obediently at the door as Grid let them out. Loki turned and waved back at the children, who were all sad to see him go.

Before long, the orphanage was out of sight. Evyn glanced at Loki to find him looking at the sky, a smile on his face.

“You seem happy,” Evyn remarked, smiling. Loki hummed in reply, looking back in front of them.

Loki continued to hum, then turned to Evyn, still smiling. “You know what?” he said. “I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so so sorry! I meant to update sooner, but I have a million writing things to get done for classes and haven't even been able to touch this for a while. Also the deadline for my college apps is coming up and I need to write essays for those as well. Things should let up a little bit once they're all taken care of.
> 
> In the meantime, this chapter kept giving me trouble, so I'm at the point where I have to throw up my hands and say GOOD ENOUGH and just post it already. I hope you guys like it! I figured I owed Loki a good day.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel.  
> Claimer: I own Winnfrid.

Thor was pacing, Winnfrid watching him as he talked.

“I just don't know what to do!” He said. “Loki doesn't even want to _talk_ to me, and believe me, I've tried.” Thor shook his head and flopped down onto the sofa. “I have even _apologized_ to him, but he wants me to _prove_ to him that I am sorry.”

“How do you plan to do that?” Winnfrid asked.

“Well,” Thor said. “I considered going to Alfheim, to learn about the frost giants there. But now Father wishes to go with Loki. Alone.” He paused there, then added “Well, _Mother_ who wishes him to go with Loki. But I originally stated that I would like to go myself!”

“What _else_ could you try to do?” She asked. Thor huffed and shook his head.

“I don't know,” he said.

“Think simple,” she said. “Try showing Loki you love him. Perhaps finding him and showing him more affection, or learning a little more about something he likes. Magic, perhaps,” she suggested. “You said that he has an interest in magic yes? How many people do you supposed he has to talk about magic?”

Thor looked down, quiet. “Not many,” he said at last. “He used to talk to me, sometimes, when he was excited about a new discovery, or when he learned a new trick. Sometimes I would be bored, so I wouldn't listen, but I was always interested to see his newly-learned tricks.”

Winnfrid bounced her foot, something Thor noticed she did a lot. “Thor,” she said. “Why do you call them tricks?”

“Because they are,” Thor said. “Loki likes tricks. He is, after all, a trickster.”

“Hmm.” Winnfrid frowned. “You know, most mages would be offended to have their skills be reduced to just 'tricks.' Magic is an art that takes _centuries_ to learn. Even the basic theories take several years to learn. From what I have heard, Loki is a very accomplished mage.” She paused and frowned. “Let me put this into comparison,” she said. “You've spent centuries learning how to become a warrior, yes? You train in your skill regularly.”

“Yes,” Thor said, nodding.

“Now what would you do if someone implied, over and over, that your skill was mere childs-play?” She said. “What if you could not convince them, no matter _how_ many times you tried to explain it, that it was _not_ childs-play, but a great art? How would you react to someone saying that your skill does not _matter_? Years of hard training reduced to simply being called 'play'.”

Thor stared at her, eyes wide with horror. “You mean- Oh, _Norns_ ,” he whispered. Winnfrid nodded, lacing her fingers together in her lap.

“You have shown blatant disregard for something your brother is quite passionate about,” she said. “Several times, it seems. Perhaps it is no wonder he rarely shares what he discovers nowadays.”

Thor nodded and looked down. He looked up at her and said “How do I set things right again? How- Norns, I do not even know when we went _wrong_... Everything seemed _fine_ until... until they were not.” He shook his head. “Loki always knew what others said about him. He knew everything, understood _everything_. I can only suppose he also knew the dangers of undoing my banishment.”

Winnfrid smiled. “Thor, I think you can still fix things.”

“But how?” Thor said, looking up at her. Winnfrid tilted her head.

“Show Loki more affection, perhaps apologize more in-depth for you injustice against him,” she said. “Think before you speak or act. Support him in his decisions, _listen_ to him when he speaks... In short, you must take your mistakes and learn from them. What can you do so you do not make that mistake again?”

Thor nodded. “Do you think I should learn magic?” He asked, looking up at her.

“If you like,” she said, smiling. She then paused thoughtfully and added “And Thor, though it is important to show Loki you love him, be respectful of his wishes and privacy.”

Thor nodded. “I will,” he said. “I swear, as long as it takes, I'll fix things.”

* * *

Thor was in the library.

It was a rare thing for him to be there, unless he was looking for Loki. But today, he had been looking for beginner books on sorcery.

He still didn't have any particular interest in sorcery, but as Winnfrid had told him, it would be nice to know what his brother was _talking about_. Thor admitted he hadn't often paid much attention to Loki when he spoke of magic; even when Loki was clearly so passionate about it, Thor hadn't even taken the time to stop whatever it was he was doing for long enough to listen.

He regretted that now.

Thor moved along the shelves, his brows furrowed as he took random books off the shelves, opening them and scanning them before closing them and putting them back.

 _What even_ is _Iselthr's Law?_ He thought, shoving yet another book back on the shelves. It was like trying to read in another language, which was something he didn't often have to do, given his Allspeak.

Looking around, Thor huffed, clenching his fists. He had _no idea_ where to start, and the thought of asking someone made him flush. Loki had always been better about asking librarians, had always been able to write effortlessly. Thor had read several of Loki's poems before, usually without Loki's permission or knowledge. Thor didn't know much about poetry, and it was certainly hard to decipher the true meanings held inside of it.

With a sigh, Thor continued his search. _They_ must _have books for beginners_ somewhere _,_ he thought. Frigga would probably be able to help him, but even going to _her_ made him feel uncomfortable. He knew she would be glad to help, and would probably _encourage_ him, but the fact still remained that if Loki caught wind of what he was doing, he would probably laugh until he cried.

I was then that Thor noticed Loki curled up in a window chair, flipping through a book. _Damn_. Thor tried to move past him as quietly as possible. Perhaps his brother wouldn't notice if he just...

He walked directly into a chair, his eyes having been glued to Loki. It made a rather loud noise in the otherwise silent library, making Loki startle and look up. Thor's face flushed and Loki rolled his eyes.

“What do you want, Thor?” He asked, his voice tense.

Thor hesitated. He hadn't been alone with Loki since he'd realized Loki was a frost giant, and that had been nearly two weeks before. “Nothing,” he said lamely. Loki quirked an eyebrow.

“'Nothing'?” Loki echoed. “Why are you creeping around the library for 'nothing'?”

“No reason,” Thor said defensively.

“Creeping around the library for no reason, looking for nothing.” Loki narrowed his eyes and asked “Are you _spying_ on me?”

Thor looked up at that, eyes wide. “What? No, of course not!”

“Then why are you _here_?” Loki asked, still looking at him suspiciously.

“Maybe because I'm finding a book,” Thor said, crossing his arms. “That's what people do in libraries, isn't it?”

“My, my, Thor,” Loki said, sitting up and closing his book. “Is it true? Has a miracle happened? Are you actually _willing to read_?”

Thor flushed and clenched his jaw, looking at the floor. “Aye,” he said at last.

“Then pray tell, where is your book?” Loki asked. Thor flushed redder.

“I've... not been able to find one suitable yet,” he mumbled.

“Have you asked one of the librarians?” Loki asked, his tone bored. Thor shook his head. “Then go ask one. That's why they are _here_. To help you _find what you are looking for_.”

“I know why we have librarians,” Thor snapped. “I just... don't know what it is I am looking for.”

Loki frowned. “What do you mean you 'don't know' what you're looking for?”

Thor huffed. “I don't know _exactly_ what I'm looking for. Only a...” He waved a hand. “...a vague idea.”

“Librarians can work with that, Thor,” Loki sighed. “What are you even looking for?”

Thor licked his lips and said nothing for a few moments. “I... ah... Books on sorcery,” he said at last, much too quickly. “I want to-” He stopped and swallowed, glancing up. “I want to understand you. I thought that perhaps... perhaps this would be a good place to start...?”

Loki's expression was neutrally blank. “You want to learn sorcery,” he said. “To get to understand me.” Thor nodded. “You want-” Loki stopped and ran his fingers through his hair, frowning as he looked out the window. “ _Why_?” He asked at last, and his voice was so confused, so... _incredulous_ , like Loki truly did not understand why he would _do_ such a thing.

And it occurred to Thor that Loki _didn't_ understand. He looked up at Loki and said “Because you are my brother,” he said and struggled to find better words. “Because I-” He huffed, frustrated with himself. _Think before you speak,_ he remembered and closed his eyes, taking a few breaths.

“I thought it would be nice,” he started again, “to learn about something you're interested in.”

“And you thought _sorcery_ would be the easiest?” Loki said, raising an eyebrow.

“No,” Thor said. “I just-” He stopped again and thought. “I am sorry for calling your magic 'tricks'. I know now that it is so much _more_ than that, and I wish to get a better understanding of it.”

Loki simply looked at Thor, eyes wide and mouth slightly open. It would have looked quite comical if not for the circumstances. Thor shuffled and continued “I am also sorry for not listening to you. Or taking you seriously.”

Loki blinked at him and Thor licked his lips before nodding. “I shall go find a librarian. Thank you, Loki.”

He then turned and made his way back into the rows of shelves, continuing his search alone. When he glanced behind his shoulder, Loki had vanished, taking his book with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My condolences to France, Lebanon, Baghdad, Mexico, and Japan. I've no idea where you are, readers, but I hope you're all okay. My tumblr is in my profile, and I've got an FFnet account [here](https://www.fanfiction.net/u/6755710/)), so if you want to talk, please don't hesitate to do so.
> 
> Stay safe, everyone. I'll see you at the next update.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer; I don't own Marvel.  
> Claimer: I own Evyn.  
>  **TRIGGER WARNING: There is discussion of Loki's attempted suicide in this chapter. This was a very emotionally draining chapter to write for me, so if you get distressed, or triggered, I highly suggest you skip this chapter, or at least skip to the line-break (it's still emotional after that, but more like how "Thor: The Dark World" is emotional).**
> 
> To commenter Ricki/Rukaia: I don't know if you've been alerted, but I've replied to your comment. I thought about replying to it in my notes, but kept it within the thread in case you wished to keep it more private.

The room was silent, Loki looking at the floor. He had just finished his story to Evyn, pausing when Thor had pulled him up onto the Bifrost. His hands were clenched, nails digging into his palm as Evyn watched him.

“Loki,” he said at last. “Was this the first time you attempted suicide?”

Loki clenched and unclenched his jaw a few times, taking a deep breath before giving a single nod, his eyes closed.

“What were your thoughts when Thor pulled you up?”

Loki licked his lips again and didn't reply. Evyn seemed to understand, for he said “Take your time.”

“I was—” Loki hesitated, wanting nothing more than to flee. His shoulders were tensed and he wanted to go, to _hide_. “I was... angry.” He mumbled, his cheeks flushing with embarrassment. “I wanted...” He cleared his throat. “I wanted...” He couldn't finish, his head bent to avoid looking at Evyn.

“Did you want Thor to let go?” Evyn asked, his voice soft, without judgment. Loki swallowed and gave a shaky nod. He felt _weak_.

“Here,” Evyn said and poured Loki a cup of tea, handing it over. Loki accepted it, hating how his hands shook and took a sip. “Loki,” Evyn said, sitting back again. “Was that your first attempt at suicide?”

Loki took another sip of tea and nodded, eyes still averted.

“Do you...” Loki paused and licked his lips. “Do you think I'm a monster?” His voice came out smaller than he had intended and he flinched. He heard Evyn shift in his chair.

“No, Loki,” Evyn said and Loki flinched again _No, Loki_. “Loki, listen to me,” Evyn continued. “I do not think you are a monster. I think you are a man who has held in too much and who has been afraid for a long time.”

Loki looked up then, just a little, swallowing and glancing around. “Do... I'm not a monster?”

“You're not,” Evyn confirmed. “Quite the opposite. I think you're a good man, Loki. Your heart is in the right place.”

Loki nodded and took another sip of tea. “...But not the rest of me.” Evyn sighed a little and Loki looked up. “What do you think is wrong with me?” He said.

Evyn tilted his head, considering Loki for a moment. “I think you're depressed,” he said. “I think you're anxious. There's certainly an inferiority complex, most definitely an identity crisis. But I want to tell you something.” Evyn steepled his fingers and said “You are Loki. You have always been Loki and you will always be Loki. There will never be anyone like you, though others may bear the same name.”

Loki nodded. “I know.”

“And what Odin did to you is not your fault.”

“I know.”

Evyn considered Loki for a moment. “Do you think about suicide often?”

Loki shrugged, his face flushing again. “No...” He trailed off. Evyn waited and Loki sighed. “Sometimes. But not- Not, I want to k-kill myself. Just... I just wonder...” Loki gestured a little and hugged his elbows, hunching in on himself. “I don't know.”

“What do you wonder?” Evyn said, pressing lightly. Loki shrugged and Evyn hummed. “Take your time.”

Loki was quiet for a few minutes before whispering “I just... Would anyone... _miss_ me?” He bit his lip and glanced up at Evyn. “I think a few might. Mother. Maybe Thor.” He clenched his jaw and looked down again. “I don't know,” he whispered. “I don't even know why I- Why am I still _here_?” Evyn was silent for a moment.

“A patient once told me,” Evyn said, “that there is a cat they look after. That they have a garden where butterflies land in spring and lay their eggs. They once told me that perhaps that was they had no large mission in life. Perhaps they were meant only to make sure a cat had a full belly and to make sure butterflies had a place to land. Perhaps their only real mission was to offer comfort and see others.” Evyn tilted his head. “I myself have wondered why I am here. Perhaps _I_ am only meant to be a healer. And perhaps, Loki, that is good enough.”

Loki nodded, not looking up. Evyn sighed and said “Loki, I want you to keep a journal.” Loki looked up at that, frowning a little. Evyn continued, “Every time you see something that you like, that makes you want to live, write it down. It doesn't have to be much; maybe it's a sunrise. Maybe it's a person. Maybe it's a flower, or someone's laugh, or even just a food you like. Write it down.”

“Why?” Loki asked. Evyn smiled.

“I'm getting there,” he said. “When you feel sad, when you feel like you want to die, look at it. When you can't remember why you're here, look at it.” Evyn smiled at Loki and said “Maybe Fate doesn't have a large part for you to play. Perhaps you are meant to teach children how to read, or buy apples to give away to people who need them, or plant flowers in the garden, watch sunrises, and read books. And you have to ask yourself if that is enough.

“You're a good person, Loki. And I think the children would miss you. I think your family would.” Evyn leaned his elbows on his knees, resting his chin in his hands. “I would miss you, too.”

Loki's head snapped up to look at him, eyes wide. “You would?”

“I would,” Evyn confirmed. Loki blinked sipped his tea, looking into the cup.

“Thank you,” Loki said. He fidgeted his fingers for a few minutes and then gave a little smile. “Did I tell you Thor wants to learn a little sorcery?”

Evyn smiled and shook his head. “No, I don't think you did,” he said. Loki nodded.

“It seems like... He says he wants to understand me better.”

“That seem like a good idea,” Evyn said. “Do you have any interest in teaching him?”

Loki looked up, startled. “He hasn't asked.” He then shook his head. “We haven't been on the best of terms. We've only spoken once since he, ah, found out.”

“I see,” Evyn said. “It seems like he's trying to reconcile with you.” He took a sip of tea. “Have you thought about what I said on the subject last? Telling him what it is he has done wrong?”

Loki shook his head. “No, not yet,” he replied. “I've been...” He trailed off, waving a hand. Evyn nodded.

“That's okay,” he said. “Loki, do _you_ want to reconcile with _him_?”

Loki hesitated, pouring himself some more tea to avoid answering. “I think,” he said when he sat back. “I think... I don't know. I... I _want_ to. But...” He trailed off again. Evyn said nothing, simply waited. Loki shrugged and didn't continue, averting his eyes. “Yes,” he whispered at last. “But I don't know how.”

Loki twisted his fingers, feeling his eyes sting. “What if he doesn't like it and decides to stop? It- Sorcery- People don't succeed with sorcery right away. It takes _years_ , and Thor's never really tried it before.”

“Ah,” Evyn said, nodding in understanding. “You're afraid he'll get bored.” Loki nodded and Evyn hummed. “That can be difficult. Would you like my advice?”

Loki nodded slowly.

“I think,” Evyn said, “that you should wait for him to come to you and _ask_. Perhaps provide him with books to get himself started, but don't commit _yourself_ to his cause until you know that _he_ is committed. Let him know how long it takes. Tell him it won't just happen instantly; you and I know some branches of magic are easier for people to grasp than others, but make sure _he_ knows that. Start simple.”

Loki considered it for a few moments. “That sounds... reasonable,” he said at last. “I- Thank you.”

“You're very welcome,” Evyn said and smiled. He then glanced at the time and said “And what do you know, time's up. Don't forget your journal assignment!”

Loki nodded and stood, thanking Evyn again before heading back to his rooms. Once he was alone, he sat at his desk and sighed, scrubbing his hands over his face. When he looked up again, he saw the coloring book Evyn had given him. He had been filling it out at his leisure, and he pulled it out now, flipping it open and taking out a box of colored pastels, choosing a soft yellow and beginning to work on a flower.

* * *

Frigga came the next morning with breakfast, knocking on the door. There was no reply and she frowned, opening the door and peering in, letting the breakfast tray float in behind her. “Loki?” She called, walking through his parlor and through to his study, then the bedroom, moving on. “Sweetness, are you awake?”

It was then that she heard it. Music, playing somewhere. She carried on, through the dining area, letting the tray settle itself. She eventually came to what she had always thought of as Loki's storage room. The door was open and she peered in, opening it a little more.

Loki had his back to her, still in his nightclothes, hair mussed on one side. He was playing the piano, head bent and moving as his fingers moved along the keys. Frigga smiled and leaned against the doorway, hands clasped in front of her. There was no music sheet for him; he played either from memory or improvisation, or perhaps a little of both, she thought. The tune sounded faintly familiar.

When it finished, Frigga gave a sigh just loud enough for Loki to hear. The boy whipped around, blinking when he saw her. “Oh,” he said, glancing down, his face reddening. “I- I didn't hear you enter.”

“Forgive me, Loki,” Frigga said, walking in. “You play very beautifully.”

“...Thank you,” Loki mumbled. Frigga smiled and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

“I come bearing breakfast,” she said, pulling away. “Are you hungry?”

“Yes,” Loki said, standing. “Thank you, Mother.”

Frigga patted his cheek and smiled, leading the way back to where she had left the breakfast tray. They sat down and Frigga began taking things off of the tray. “When did you start playing again?” She asked. “You loved it so much when you were younger, and you were always very talented.”

Loki gave a little shrug, mumbling something in reply. Frigga smiled and said “You know, the jotnar have lovely music as well.”

Loki groaned and put his head in his arms on the table. “Really?” He said. “ _Must_ we do this again?”

“I think it would be a good experience,” Frigga said for the umpteenth time that week. Loki huffed and sat up again, stabbing the fruit on his plate with unnecessary viciousness before eating it. Frigga sighed. “Loki,” she said. “You cannot avoid this forever.”

“I'm not _avoiding_ it,” Loki said. “I'm _not_!” He insisted when Frigga raised an eyebrow at him. “I'm just... considering it.”

Frigga put her fork down and placed her hands on the table, lacing her fingers together. “Have you talked to Healer Evyn about it?”

“I have,” Loki said.

“And?”

Loki glared up at her. “Mother, please,” he said. “What I say in sessions are none of your business.”

“Fair enough,” Frigga replied, but couldn't help but feel disappointed. “But still.”

Loki sighed and put his fork down. “ _Why_ ,” he asked, “is it _so important_ that I go to Alfheim and meet other jotnar?”

“Because though your father-”

“He is _not my father_!” Loki hissed, standing up, his hands braced on the table. Frigga looked up at him, her face calm.

“Then am I not your mother?”

Loki's jaw and fists clenched. He straightened and considered her for a moment before turning away, looking out the window instead. Frigga stood and moved around the table to him, placing a hand on his shoulder. “Loki,” she said, her voice soft. “Am I not your mother?”

He refused to look at her, even as her fingers carded through his hair. “Loki,” she whispered.

“You are not.”

The words hung in the air between them and Frigga sighed softly, continuing to comb her fingers through his hair for a moment longer. “Always so perceptive,” she said, her voice shaking slightly. “Of everyone but yourself.”

She pressed a light kiss to his cheek and pulled away, even as he turned to face her, lips parted a fraction. Her eyes were filled with tears, but she refused to let them fall as she turned towards the door.

Loki didn't call her back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know that I've made this clear, but given the events from the past few days, as well as the nature of this chapter, I find it necessary to say this:
> 
> I read every comment I get. I reread every comment I get. I re-reread every comment I get, because I love you all too much to express with words. I cried and I worried when I heard about everything that happened on Friday; I have readers all over the place, and it makes me feel sick to know that one of you could be hurt, because I would never be able to find out. YOU are the reason I continue to write and post my work. YOU are what motivates me through my day so that I have time to write and post.
> 
> So when I say thank you for your comments and your kudos, I don't just mean it because I'm a selfish walnut who likes attention. I say thank you and I mean it, because you mean something to me. Because you, readers, are very, very dear to me. YOU MATTER. No matter who you are, or where you are, you mean something. You are not worthless, even if people tell you that you are. You are not stupid, even in you sometimes feel like you are. YOU ARE YOU, and that is nothing to regret. You are beautiful, you are smart, you matter, and you and your emotions and opinions are valid.
> 
> So thank you, readers. Thank you for being you. Thank you for reading, and commenting, and sharing your love with me. Thank you for giving me the motivation to get through my day. If there is something you want to say, or if you ever need to talk, I will always listen, even if I don't always know how to reply. You are heard.
> 
> Thank you.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.  
> Claimer: I own Evyn.

“I, to put it in Midgardian terms, 'fucked up'.”

Evyn looked up from his book as Loki walked in and began to pace, raising his eyebrows and saying “Oh?”

“Very much 'yes.' It was a spectacular failure, I must admit,” Loki continued, his tone bitter and sarcastic. “Making your mother cry is a _fantastic_ feat.”

“Ah,” Evyn put his book aside. “You know, your session isn't for another twenty minutes. I haven't even put the kettle on.”

“Do I _look_ like I care?” Loki snapped and Evyn stood, grabbing said kettle and filling it, putting it on a little stove and taking out the teapot, making up the tray he usually did.

“Take a thing from the basket and have a seat, Loki,” he said. “Take some time to observe it.”

Loki grumbled something under his breath and did as he was told. When Evyn sat down again, Loki was sitting slumped on the sofa, passing a beanbag from hand to hand.

“It's bumpy,” he said when Evyn remained silent. “It makes a strange sound when you squeeze it, like the grain or pebbles inside it is scraping together. It smells like soap and... something flowery.”

“Hmm.” Evyn laced his fingers together. “I think perhaps we'll have to find another way get get you to release anger.”

“Oh, you think so?” Loki sneered and threw the beanbag onto the table. Evyn sighed and tossed him a pillow.

“Scream into that,” he said. Loki gave him a Look and Evyn made a “well, go on” motion with his hands. Rolling his eyes, Loki pulled his legs up and pressed his face into the pillow, screaming into it like Evyn had told him, long and hard, his fingers curling into the fabric.

“Better?” Evyn asked when Loki turned his face away. Loki didn't reply, instead hugging the pillow. Evyn nodded. “Alright,” he said. “So perhaps 'better' isn't the right word to use. Do you feel less _angry_?”

Loki nodded. “I'm an _idiot_ ,” he informed Evyn, sounding utterly miserable about it as he did so.

“No, you're not.”

“Yes, I am,” Loki insisted. Evyn hummed and poured Loki a cup of tea.

“Why don't you start from the beginning,” he said, pouring a cup for himself. “Why exactly are you an idiot?”

Loki heaved a great sigh. “I made Mother cry.”

“How so?”

Loki groaned, burying his face into the pillow again. “She... I told her she wasn't my mother.”

“ _Ahh_.”

Loki glared up at Evyn. “I told you I was an idiot.”

“No, I don't think you're an idiot,” Evyn assured him. “What prompted you to say that?”

Loki didn't look at him. “She's still trying to convince me to go to Alfheim with Odin.”

“And I take it you refused?” Evyn asked. Loki nodded.

“I told her Odin wasn't my father and she asked... She asked if she wasn't my mother.” Loki paused and then closed his eyes, clenching his jaw. “And then I told her she wasn't.”

“And you feel badly about it,” Evyn said. It wasn't a question, but Loki still sneered.

“ _No_ , of _course_ not,” he said, sarcasm dripping in his tone. “Why would I feel badly about _making my mother cry_?”

Evyn remained silent and Loki felt himself flush. He looked down and mumbled “Sorry. That was... inappropriate.”

Evyn twisted a few strands of hair around his finger, leaning back in his chair. “I don't think I'm the one you need to apologize to,” he said at last. Loki glanced up at him in surprise, then back down again as guilt washed over him. “Loki,” Evyn said and Loki glanced back up. “It's still ten minutes until your appointed time. If you wanted to go and come back, that would be okay.”

Loki shook his head. “No,” he whispered. “That's okay.” He paused and then added “I ran out of medicine yesterday.”

“Ah! Hold on a moment.” Evyn stood and walked over to his cabinets, searching through until he pulled out a bottle, opening and peering in. He closed it and walked back, placing it in front of Loki. “There you go. Now,” he sat back down. “Besides the current situation, what is your typical relationship with your mother?”

Loki shrugged. “Good. It's... _generally_ good. Always has been, I suppose. She's... I trust her. She...” Loki hesitated a moment. “She's always loved me. I've never had a reason to doubt that.” He picked at his shirt before muttering “She deserves _better_.”

“What's your favorite thing about her?” Evyn asked. Loki considered for a few moments.

“She always listens,” he said at last. “And if she's doing something, I'll sometimes have to wait, but when she's finished, she gives you her undivided attention. And she listens even if she's annoyed.” He shrugged and hesitated for a moment.

“When I was... young,” Loki started. “In my fifties, or perhaps my sixties, I started... noticing things about myself.” He flushed and hesitated again, swallowing. “I... Sometimes I turn into a... woman.” He glanced up at Evyn, but the other man didn't seem to react to this information, so Loki continued. “I realized that this wasn't normal and went to her, asking if it... Well, if it _was_ normal. I then asked her not to tell anyone, not even F... Odin. And Thor.”

“And she kept the secret,” Evyn guessed. Loki nodded.

“To my knowledge, yes,” he replied.

“How did you react, knowing she was in on the secret of your birth?” Evyn asked.

Loki licked his lips. “We've... not discussed it much. She said she never wanted to keep it a secret, but she did so anyway. I'm not- I don't know.”

“Have you forgiven her?” Evyn asked.

“I don't know,” Loki repeated, then shook his head, squeezing his eyes shut. “I don't know,” he repeated. “I'm trying, I _want_ to, but I just...” He swallowed and whispered “I _can't_.”

Evyn nodded. “You trusted her, possibly more than anyone, correct?” Loki gave a nod and Evyn continued “It takes time for trust to be rebuilt after it gets broken, even though you love her still.”

“But that's-” Loki fidgeted his fingers. “I _do_ still trust her,” he said. “I've always been able to trust her, and she _does_ seem sorry. I _want_ to forgive her. She- I can't- I can't _lose_ her!” He burst out and doubled over, running his fingers and pulling, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Loki. Loki!” Evyn leaned forwards. “You won't lose her, Loki. You won't lose her.”

“Do you think she hates me?” Loki asked, still doubled over, but moving to wrap his arms around himself. “How far until I finally push them away? Until they finally get _sick_ of me? Until they-” He stopped and grabbed the pillow again, screaming into it again.

Evyn waited until Loki had stopped until he spoke. “Loki,” he said. “The love of your mother—or Odin for that matter—will not be shaken that easily, if ever. It is hard to watch someone, _especially_ a loved one, hurt as much as you do now. Frigga loves you, Loki; she proved that to me during your episode. Odin loves you too, though I imagine he rarely shows it. Thor definitely loves you. But as I say; it is hard. It's not your fault,” he added as Loki looked up, a stricken, almost _panicked_ look on his face. “You cannot help what his happening right now. They know it isn't your fault, and they don't blame you.”

“Even Thor?” Loki asked, his voice shaky.

“Even Thor,” Evyn confirmed. “He is prone to his temper, yes? He may blame you in times of his confusion and pain, but he knows that this is not your fault. All he knows is that his brother is hurting and he doesn't know what to do about it, though from what you've told me, he _is_ trying. I don't think Odin knows, either. But Loki, they _all_ wish to help you.”

“How can they?” Loki asked, his voice still shaky. “I don't even know how to help _myself_.”

“And I don't expect you to,” Evyn said. “That's why I'm here. I'm here to help you through this. You're not expected to fix this on your own, forget _know_ how. There are things you will have to do, but Loki, you are not alone, however much it may feel like it.”

“It's just-” Loki hugged the pillow again. “It's just so _hard_. I feel like I'm- I'm-” He stopped and squeezed his eyes shut again. “ _Falling_ ,” he finished at last. “I'm falling.” He looked up at Evyn desperately. “I don't know what to do,” he said. “I don't know how to stop. I don't even know what it's like to _not_ be falling anymore.”

Evyn clasped his hands together and said quietly “Thank you for telling me, Loki. I know that it's hard, sometimes, to express these emotions. I know it's easy to be afraid, especially since you don't know what it's like to be well anymore. I think you've been suffering from this for a long, long time, and I think we need to get to the root of it.”

Loki sat up again, still hugging the pillow, and leaned against the armrest of the sofa, having curled up on the far side. He looked down and nodded, sniffing. “Okay,” he said, feeling child-like as he did so, wiping his eyes with the palm of his hand. “Okay,” he repeated, quieter this time.

* * *

Loki's first memory was of his mother and a fireplace.

He had been sitting on Frigga's lap on the sofa in front of the hearth. She had been reading a book and though he hadn't understood what she had been saying, he could remember the melody of her voice. The fire had been warm, he had perhaps been wrapped in a blanket. He thought he could remember feeling content.

Thor had been there too, or maybe it was a different memory that he had pushed into that one. He had sat next to them, peering over her arm as she read before falling asleep, head on her lap. The room wasn't sharp in Loki's memory, but the book was, possibly less because he truly remembered it, and more because he knew what it looked like. After all, he had learned to read from that book a few decades later.

But he hadn't been focusing on the book. He'd been tired; it was late for a child as young as he had been. He hadn't been focusing on the book, but looking past it, his head resting back on Frigga's shoulder.

He had been looking at the fire, as though hypnotized by the flames, licking the wood and making it crack, watching the colors flow seamlessly from orange to red to yellow.

The first nightmare that he could remember having had been of a cold, aching loneliness, and of strange noises in the dark. It was only later, after he had been told of them, that the frost giants began to appear in his dreams as well.

But sometimes...

 _Sometimes_...

If he pushed back into his memory, past the cold and the fire, he thought he could remember a gentle, soothing melody, the words indistinguishable, like a single flake in a handful of snow.

Sometimes, if he cared to look back so far, Loki could remember what it felt like to be truly happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have an essay to write in three days, a twelve-page short story to revise, a few writing exercises to get done, plus a cold to get rid of. What do I do instead? I write a Frostiron oneshot about Loki being sick before falling asleep for three hours.
> 
> Oh well. On the upside, I got the name and number of a very lovely girl the other night. I wonder if she likes Marvel too...
> 
> Anyway, here's a new chapter. Thank you to everyone who left comments and kudos! I've got about ten pre-written chapters, however they're not really cooperating with me and need a little re-writing.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.
> 
>  **To Rukaia/Ricki:** I'm so so sorry I took so long, but I've replied to your last comment!

Loki left Evyn's session, his eyes red, still clutching the tissue he had been offered as he made his way to the gardens. He wandered for a few minutes, grateful that it was a nice day, picking a flower here and there, unsure of what he'd do with the when he was finished. Perhaps he would put them in a vase, or press them into books, or use them for potions. The snow hadn't quite arrived yet, but most of the flowers had wilted.

He heard someone sigh when he had almost a bouquet. He straightened and looked around until he saw Frigga sitting at the base of a tree, writing in a book, or a journal of sorts. Loki felt his heart clenched and he chewed on his cheek, looking away before she somehow noticed he was there. He glanced around a few more moments, but there was no-one else around.

 _Go to her, you coward,_ he reprimanded himself. _Apologize to her!_

Loki stood there, doing nothing for a few moments, feeling very much like he either wanted to run away or scream. Possibly both.

He straightened again and closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths before opening them again and turning. Frigga was still there. He glanced around once more before sighing, almost like he was deflating; Frigga's eyes seemed to be somewhat red, thought that could have been from the cold weather.

 _Who are you trying to fool, Trickster?_ He asked himself and shook his head before making his legs move, walking towards her.

She looked up when he was still several feet away, saying nothing. Loki stopped and chewed on the inside of his cheek again before kneeling, sitting back on his heels and not looking at her. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes again.

“I'm sorry,” he said at last, his voice not as steady as he would have liked. “I- I should not have said what I said. It was...” He paused and licked his lips. “It was cruel of me to...” He felt tears spring up again and he squeezed his eyes before opening them, looking at the ground. “You are my mother,” he said at last, his voice shaking. “But only- Only if you would still have me as your son.”

Loki squeezed his eyes shut again and tried to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. He heard Frigga move, her skirts rustling. “Loki,” she said, her voice fierce. Loki flinched and felt tears beginning to fall.

“I'm sorry,” he repeated before she could continue. “I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, please, _please_ -”

A moment later Frigga pulled him into her arms. “ _You are my son_ ,” she said, her voice just as fierce as her embrace. “You are my _son_ , Loki, and that will _never_ change. No matter what you say or do, I will _always_ love you. I love you, Loki, and you will never be able to fathom how much.” She pressed a kiss to his temple and Loki shuddered.

“I'm sorry,” he repeated, voice hoarse from trying not to cry. “I love you, I'm sorry, forgive me. Please, forgive me, Mother.”

“Shh, shh,” Frigga said, her voice gentler as she stroked his hair, her grip no less tight. “Hush now, darling, I know. I know. I forgive you, Loki.” She pressed another kiss to his temple and he put his arms around her, hugging her back, crying into her collar and clinging to her.

“I'm sorry,” he repeated through gasps. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...”

“Shh, I know,” she whispered. “I know. I love you, Loki. I love you _so much_...”

Loki wasn't sure how long they were there for, kneeling in the grass. When he finished, he felt a bit lightheaded, like a weight had been taken off his mind, leaving him emptier. He eventually pulled away and Frigga smiled at him, her own eyes wet. She cupped his chin in her hands and pressed a kiss to his forehead, pulling back and sighing, still smiling. “Come,” she said and made to get up, taking her journal and pen in one hand. “Let us go in and have a cup of tea.”

Loki nodded silently, standing and she took his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. Loki's flowers had wilted some, but he brought them along, letting Frigga lead him to her study. He put them in an empty vase and placed them on the mantel, Frigga smiling.

“Those look lovely, Loki,” she said when Loki walked over, taking out the teacups and putting them on a tray. Loki mumbled something in reply that might have been a “thank you,” then returned to the sofa when Frigga finished making the tea. She poured Loki a cup and he accepted, but didn't drink it. He let the warmth from the cup seep into his fingers until they were almost burning. Frigga noticed and said “Darling, you're going to burn yourself.”

Loki shook his head and she sighed, taking the cup away and putting it back on the table, running her fingers through his hair. “What are you thinking about?” She asked. Loki shrugged a little, licking his lips.

“Okay,” he said at last, his voice soft. “I'll do it.”

“Do what, sweetness?” She asked, placing her other hand on his knee. He blinked and swallowed.

“I'll go to Alfheim,” he said at last. Frigga shifted to cup his face in her hands, gazing at him with a look of concern.

“Darling,” She said. “You need not do this for my sake.”

Loki blinked. “But-” He licked his lips. “But I thought you _wanted_ me-”

“Oh, Loki,” she murmured and hugged him again. “It was wrong of me to push you so. Do I think it would be a good experience for you and your father? Yes, I do. But darling, you need not prove it to me. If you do not wish to go yet, I will not ask you again. I forgive you. I give you my word. Understand?”

Loki chewed on his lip until he tasted blood, nodding. “I understand,” he mumbled and made no move to pull away from her. “But... I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll go.”

Frigga stroked his hair again and pulled away a little, gazing at him fondly. “Very well, Loki,” she said. “Would you like to tell your father, or shall I?”

Loki chewed on his cheek and shook his head. “Can... Can you? Please?”

Frigga patted his cheek, still smiling. “Of course I will.”

Loki didn't smile, but he reached over and pressed a light kiss to her cheek, hoping desperately he hadn't just made a mistake.

* * *

“Mama?”

Frigga looked up from her work for a moment to see Loki standing at her door, his hands clasped in front of him.

“Hello, Loki,” she said. “Sit on the sofa, I shall be with you in a moment.”

Loki nodded and moved to sit. Frigga cast her eyes back down and continued with her work. When she finished, she sighed, setting her pen aside and rubbing her neck before standing up, walking over and sitting next to Loki.

“What's the matter, my sweet?” She asked, stroking the boy's hair. He fidgeted his fingers and glanced around.

“Mama, I think there's something _wrong_ with me,” he said, looking up at her with large round eyes. Frigga stiffened and cupped his chin gently.

“What do you mean, Loki?” She asked. Loki shrugged, moving his eyes away from her.

“Well,” he said, shifting in his seat as Frigga let his chin go. “Sometimes... Sometimes my body changes into a _girl's_. And I feel like a girl too, even when I change myself back.” He frowned, looking back up at her. “Is that unusual?”

Frigga hesitated a moment, then pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “Darling, it is not unheard of.” She moved to sit him in her lap, glad that he was still young enough to _want_ to sit there. Thor had already grown out of it by this age. He looked up at her and she said “Remember how you and Father and I sat down and talked with you?”

“Uh-huh,” Loki said nodding. “The sex talk.”

“That's right,” Frigga said, smiling. “And do you remember how your parts are a little different from other people's?”

“Uh-huh,” Loki repeated, nodding again. He then paused, looking thoughtful. “Is this because of that?” He asked. “Is _that_ why I sometimes feel like a girl?”

“It could be,” Frigga said, nodding. “But there are others in Asgard, even in other Realms, where one may feel like a member of the opposite gender.”

“Like Sif?” Loki asked, looking up at her. “Sif says she wants to be a warrior, but only men can be warriors.”

“It is a field dominated by men, that is true,” Frigga said, nodding. “However, Sif would not be the first, nor hardly the last woman to become a warrior.”

“Oh.” Loki looked down, seeming disappointed by this news. Frigga smiled and smoothed his hair out. He had cut it short recently, and though Frigga thought the cut looked nice, she did miss his long curls.

“Loki, if you wish to be known as a girl when you change,” Frigga started, but Loki's eyes widened and he cut her off.

“No! No, Mother, that's alright,” he assured her. “I don't- I don't want that.”

“Very well,” Frigga said. “But if you change your mind, you need only let me know.”

Loki nodded, leaning against her shoulder. “Don't tell Thor,” he said. “Or Father. Please?”

Frigga looked down at Loki, his green eyes worried. She sighed and hugged him. “So be it, Loki,” she murmured into his hair, closing her eyes. “So be it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, so I don't know if you've heard, but apparently the entire board for AO3 has just resigned? There's more information about it on the home page, but if you guys have any works that aren't saved elsewhere, I suggest downloading PDFs or whatever of your fics. I've got everything saved and have posted mostly everything on this site to FFnet (I posted the link in an A/N a few chapters back), so if something happens here, I'm still around. [Here's a DailyDot article about it for anyone who's interested.](http://www.dailydot.com/geek/otw-board-resignation-controversy/?tu=dd)
> 
> Now that that's out of the way, I just want to say that I was very close to sobbing when I wrote this chapter. Dunno if it gave anyone else feels, but if it did, leave me a note, will ya? (Though it's possible I was just very emotional that day.)
> 
> Thanks to everyone who left comments and kudos!


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.  
> Claimer: I own Evyn.
> 
> To Ricki/Rukaia: I've replied to your comment.

“So,” Evyn said, handing Loki a cup of tea. “How are things with your mother?”

“Better,” Loki said, accepting the cup. “I apologized and...” She took a deep breath. “I said I'd go to Alfheim with Odin.”

Evyn gave him a warm smile. “That's wonderful, Loki,” he said. “I'm proud of you.” Loki flushed and mumbled her thanks into her tea. “You also look quite lovely today,” Evyn added, making Loki duck her head and put her tea down, grinning a little.

She had taken care to make her appearance _slightly_ more feminine. It wasn't a lot; just a tunic and a necklace. She had taken the heart stone Madam Irva had given her and wrapped it in wire, putting it on a chain to wear around her neck. The tunic was, for the most part, in the style of her other tunics; long sleeves, a modest neckline, however it was embroidered with gold flowers around the hem and sleeves.

“Is it for any occasion?” Evyn continued.

“No,” Loki said, looking down at the little flowers, bracing herself before adding “Sometimes I feel more, ah, _feminine_. I want to not be so... _ashamed_ about it. Only Mother knows, I told her a long time ago.”

“Ah, yes,” Evyn said, nodding. “I recall you mentioning last session.” He tilted his head to the side before asking “How would you like me to address you?” Evyn asked. Loki stared at him for a minute.

“As Loki?” She replied, unsure. Evyn smiled and shook his head.

“No, Loki, I mean...” Evyn considered. “Would you like for me to address you as a woman, using feminine pronouns, or...?”

Loki's eyes widened and she shook her head. “No, no, no,” she said. “Just... no. Don't change how you address me.”

“Very well,” Evyn said. “But I am curious; does this have anything to do with your opinions of women when we first began?”

Loki frowned. “No, not really,” she said. “I mean... maybe?” She shook her head. “People anyways said that magic was for women. There were so many times where I just wanted to Shift so that they wouldn't voice protest,” she added. “But I knew that people would grab it and use it against me.”

Evyn nodded, looking interested. “I apologize if you have mentioned this before,” he said. “We only spoke of this briefly last session—When you say 'Shift,” does that mean you can Shift into a more feminine form?”

Yes,” Loki nodded and smiled a little. “Would you like to see?”

“Only if you are comfortable showing me,” Evyn replied. Loki looked down, focusing for a moment before feeling the change. She let out a sigh of relief, tension she didn't even know she _had_ leaving her shoulders. Evyn smiled and said “Very lovely, Loki.”

“You're the only one other than Mother who has ever seen,” she said carefully, her cheeks turning red again as she picked a little at her shirt.

Evyn's smile dimmed before his face turned serious. Leaning forward slightly, he said “I am honored to hold your trust, Loki. Thank you for showing me.”

Loki smiled shyly. “You're welcome,” she whispered, her heart aching with what she could only describe as joy as the rest of her body flooded with relief.

* * *

Thor was standing in the library again, a book under his arm as he continued his search for beginner books. It was slow; the library seemed to only have books for intermediate and advanced users of sorcery. It irritated him to no end.

Eventually, he came upon a small, old, leather-bound book, shoved between two bigger books. Frowning, Thor picked it out. There was no title on either the cover or the spine. _Perhaps it faded off,_ Thor considered and opened the book, flipping to the first page. There was no title, but there _was_ a name at the top of the page, handwritten.

_Bestla Tornndottir_

Thor frowned. His grandmother's name had been Bestla, hadn't it? He strained his memory, but couldn't very well remember what he had learned about her in history. _Was this her diary?_ He wondered and turned it over. The pages were yellowed, but the writing was still legible. Thor licked his lips and glanced around. Should he put it back, or give it to Odin? It surely wasn't meant to be _here_ , was it?

Thor tilted his head. _What harm could come from reading a few pages?_ He thought. His grandmother had died before he was born; _she_ wouldn't care. _Would Father?_ Thor shook his head. _If Father cared,_ he thought logically, _the book wouldn't be here in the first place._

He went to a sitting area, settling down and placing his other book next to him before flipping to the first page of the diary.

  
_April 28th, 3R-359Y_ *****

_It is time to start a new diary,_ the page began, _and Borr gave me this one as a gift several weeks ago. It is a fine gift indeed, although I did mention that any book would do. Regardless, a blank book is what I asked for and a blank book I have received._

_Óðinn began his weaponry training earlier this day. Borr is pleased to learn that he has taken to it instantly, though Vili wishes to join him. He watches instead, cheering his brother on, constantly asking when he too may participate. It makes Borr laugh and Óðinn assures him that it will be soon._

_In the meantime, I find myself with child again! I have yet to tell Borr this news. Perhaps it is selfish of me, but I wish for this child to be mine and only mine for a little while longer. If it is another boy, Borr is sure to whisk him away to train him how to be a king. But if it is a girl—Oh, if it is a girl!—perhaps he will allow me to keep her._

  
_April 29th, 3R-359Y_

_I have thought of the perfect name for the child within me! I will call zim Vé, which means “a sacred place” and comes from the language of my people. Borr will not interfere, as he knows how important names are to me and my people and has allowed me to name Vili and Óðinn as well. Vili of course means “will,” while Óðinn means “frenzy,” (a good name, I think, considering what he was like as a baby!) however, the people of this Realm seem to insist on calling him Odin instead. It is a minor mispronunciation, however I must bite my tongue not to snap out a correction. As Borr reminds me, Óðinn and Vili are not of Jotunheim, they are of Asgard, and as such, they will be raised as Asgardians._

_But oh, how I wish to teach them of my homeland. I wish to show them what it means to be jotunn, and to teach them what it means to carry that blood in their veins. I think perhaps that they forget of their bloodline. How it makes me ache to know that they will one day spill blood in “honorable” battle and be revered for it. They do not think of themselves as jotunn, but as aes, although the amount of jotunn blood which runs through their veins is equal to their aes blood._

_Sons of Asgard, sons of Borr, but never to be my sons. But perhaps that is too harsh and bitter of an exclamation. I love my children and my husband, but I fear that they will never truly understand what it means to be jotunn. And so perhaps this new child will remain mine. Perhaps ze will wish to learn of my people—for I can never think of the aesir as truly being my people, no matter that I wear their skin._

_I will tell Borr of this child tomorrow. I have been spending more and more time in my own skin when I am by myself. I hope my Changing has no ill effect on the child._

  
Thor's eyes were wide by the time he had finished reading the second entry and he snapped the book shut, swaying where he stood for a moment. Bestla, the previous Queen of Asgard, his _grandmother_ had been a jotun.

 _Does Loki know?_ He wondered, then dismissed the thought. No, of course Loki didn't know; how would he? _He has to know now,_ he thought and hurried to Loki's halls, banging on the door.

“Loki,” he called. “Loki! I must speak with you!”

The door opened and Loki leaned against the doorframe, arms crossed. “What is it?” He asked. Thor thrust the diary under his nose.

“Loki, do you know our grandmother, Bestla?” Thor asked, breathless.

“I know _of_ her,” Loki said. “What about it?”

“This is her diary,” Thor said, flipping it open. “Read the first two entries, please.”

With an exaggerated sigh, Loki accepted the book and opened it, eyes flicking over the words. His eyes widened and he swallowed several times as he continued, stopping and looking up at Thor.

“ _Thor_ ,” he said, his voice a deadly calm. “Where did you find this?”

“It was in the library,” Thor said. “I was looking for something and it was shoved, almost hidden, between two larger books.”

Loki flipped through a few more pages before looking up again, a spark of something in his eyes. He grabbed Thor's arm and pulled him along. “Come on,” he said.”

“Wha? Where are we going?” Thor said, frowning as he followed Loki.

“Odin has some explaining to do,” Loki said flatly. Thor's eyes widened.

“Are you sure that's a good idea?” He asked and Loki stopped, whirling around to face him.

“That man,” he snarled, “has _clearly_ been holding on to more secrets than he lets on. Have you not realized what his means?” He held up the book and Thor blinked.

“That Father is part frost giant, I know _that_ -”

“Thor!” Loki hissed. “It means that _you_ are part frost giant! A quarter, to be precise, and that is no small amount.”

“I _know_ , Loki,” Thor snapped back. “I know how bloodlines work. Still, I am unsure of whether we should even have been looking at this-”

“If Odin didn't want us to see it,” Loki said, turning to walk down the hall. “Then it wouldn't have been in the library. You can come with me or not, but considering it's _your_ grandmother, I thought you might want to know the reason why we were never told about this. Also consider,” he added, looking over his shoulder. “We don't have an uncle Vé. So what happened to him?”

He continued down the hall. Thor hesitated a moment longer, then followed, hurrying to catch up as a knot of dread built in his stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *3R-359Y: This is the year system that Asgard uses (that I made up). The “3R” means that Bor is the 3rd Ruler of Asgard. The “359Y” is how many years Bor has been on the throne. (As a matter of fact, Odin himself is about eight years old in human terms. Think about it; an eight year old Odin waving around a wooden sword.)
> 
> Thank you to Silvermane1 on FFnet for suggesting in chapter 14 that Loki wear more feminine clothes. I've had about ten chapters pre-written at any given point in this story, so when I got the comment, this is where I was writing. Sorry this didn't come in sooner!
> 
> A note on the pronunciation of "Óðinn": the Ó is like a long O, like it is in the word "boat," while the ð symbol is "th," like pronounced in "father." This is, as far as I can tell, the original Norse spelling of Odin, and I wanted to create an irritation for Bestla.
> 
> Thank you to thephoenixandthedragon4ever on FFnet for suggesting that I tie Bestla into this. For those who don't know, Bestla is, in Norse mythology, the jotun wife of Borr. The explanation for why Thor and Loki don't know this will be in the next chapter.
> 
> On that note, I apologize for not updating sooner; there's an ongoing emergency in my family that's currently being dealt with, my Finals are coming up next week, and hey! I've just been told that there's a very good chance I have depression, since there's apparently a history of it on both sides of my family. Isn't that just lovely.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who reviewed and left kudos! They really cheered me up over the past week.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel.
> 
> WARNING: There's mentions of vomiting in this chapter. If that's not your thing, stop reading after Loki flees Odin's study. There's an explanation of the rest of the chapter at the bottom.

Thor held Loki back just before he burst into Odin study completely unannounced. Thor knocked and waited until Odin called back before allowed Loki to enter, Loki shooting him a filthy look. They walked in, Loki pushing past him and Odin looked up from his work, raising an eyebrow. Before he could say anything, Loki pressed the diary on the table in front of him and said “Would you like to explain this?”

Odin glanced at the diary with a neutral expression before picking it up and flipping it open. His gaze hardened when he realized what it was. He closed it and placed it down before looking up. “Where did you find this?” He asked.

“Thor found it,” Loki said, fists on the desk as he glared at Odin. “He found it in the library. Would you like to explain why you never told us that Bestla was a _frost giant_? Hmm? Or perhaps you'd like to tell us any _more_ family secrets?”

Odin looked up at Loki, a strange look on his face. “Loki,” he said. “What _do_ you know of your grandmother?”

Loki growled and turned away, pacing. Odin turned to Thor, who looked uncomfortable. “She... She was from Alfheim, was she not?”

Odin narrowed his eye and looked back at Loki. “Loki,” he said. “What do you _know_ of her. What were you taught?”

The note of urgency seemed to make Loki more agitated. “She was of Alfheim, as Thor said,” he snapped. “She was married to grand- to Bor as part of the Peace Act between-”

“Between Alfheim, Jotunheim, and Asgard,” Odin finished. He looked back at the diary and said calmly. “Although I suspect the Jotunheim part of that history was removed. Sit down, please, before you wear a pathway in the floor, Loki.”

Loki shot Odin a dark look as Thor sat, then reluctantly sat as well, crossing his arms and glaring. Odin laced his fingers together and placed them on the desk, eye slowly moving from Loki to Thor.

“Why was this kept from us?” Loki asked, but before Odin could reply, he added “And _don't_ say it was for my protection. I'll only believe it as much as I believed it the first time.”

Odin's lips thinned, but he nodded once. “Very well, I will not,” he replied. “I would not have anyway, for that's not the answer. In fact, this information was not intentionally kept from you.” Loki scoffed at that, but Odin continued “Not like you so think it was, at least. It seems that Asgard has _forgotten_ that its previous queen was jotun.”

“It says in the text that she could Shift,” Thor put in, looking at Loki. “Like you do.”

Odin nodded. “Aye, she could Shift. And she did it often enough, as it was mostly too hot in Asgard for her to use her jotun form. She even looked somewhat like you, Loki. It helped quiet anyone who questioned your birth. My mother was very proud of her heritage, however it was mostly kept from the people.

“She was of Jotunheim and Alfheim,” Odin continued. “She was small and, as is tradition, went to live in Alfheim. As far as I know, Jotunheim and Alfheim still have an agreement that states that noble children of Jotunheim are housed by nobles of Alfheim, to receive education. She spent half of the year on Alfheim and the rest of the year on Jotunheim to learn of the heritage and history there.

“She was intelligent,” Odin said and paused there a moment, nodding. “All who met her remarked on her intelligence. She learned Allspeak when she arrived in Asgard, but even without it she was fluent in the most prominent languages on Asgard, Alfheim, and Jotunheim. She learned their ways in magic as well and became one of the most accomplished and powerful mages of her age.” The ghost of a smile appeared on Odin's lips for just a moment before vanishing again. “It is because of her that the Act of Education passed, the reason why the gardens weren't ripped up after Bor took the throne, and why parts of the gardens were opened to the public as parks. It is because of her that the peace between Jotunheim and Asgard survived as long as it did, ending long after I became King.” Odin paused there and tilted his head slightly. “It is also partly because of her that the Queen of Asgard has equal power to the King.”

“Then why weren't we ever told about her?” Loki asked, hands twisting and folding in his lap. Thor resisted the urge to reach over and still them.

Odin sighed and shook his head. “I know not,” he said. “Some of her attributions were given to Bor, something which infuriated her to no end. Your mother made the official change to make the Queen equal in power to the King, however she was the one who began the fight.”

“But why was her heritage never mentioned _anywhere_?” Loki said, standing up, an angry tint in his voice. Odin sighed again.

“Loki,” he said, sounding tired. “No one _cared_ that she was jotun. Why would it matter? She was a good mother, a good queen, and a good mage. We were at _peace_ with Jotunheim; no one would have _thought_ to care. We had very little argument with Jotunheim even before the Peace Act was official. We left them alone and they left us alone. If anything, people were _curious_ about her.

“In truth, I am _appalled_ to see now that you knew nothing about her,” Odin said, leaning back in his chair. “She was very proud of her heritage, but when the peace with Jotunheim turned to dust, no one cared to remember her.” Odin paused and looked at Loki. “I am sorry you did not know this sooner. I am sorry you did not know any of this sooner an that I did not look into it. This was not kept from you intentionally, for all you believe it was. I assumed that if you had questions about her that you would ask either your professors or me and was indeed surprised when you had none.”

Loki swallowed and stared back at Odin. Thor looked from one to the other nervously for a moment before saying “But what of _Vé_? She mentions another child, yet you have no brother named Vé.”

Odin's gaze turned to Thor for a moment and he nodded, slowly, before reaching down and opening a drawer, pulling something out. A book, Thor realized. Odin flipped through it before taking something out of it, placing it on the table and saying quietly “This is Vé.”

Thor leaned forward to take a look. The picture was of a Small jotun child, smiling widely, the way all young children do, face scrunched up in an adorable way. He had long brown hair, braided, although loose locks hung in his face. He was sitting on a bench that Thor recognized as the gardens, blue feet unable to touch the ground. There was a bundle of flowers next to him on the bench and in his lap.

“This is the only existing picture of Vé,” Odin said when Thor looked up at him. “All others were destroyed.”

“Why?” Loki asked, his voice blunt, his arms crossed.

Odin looked at him, a weary expression on his face. “Vili and I were born closer to each other, barely a decade apart. Vé, however, was born much later. He was the youngest and disliked having his picture taken. As such, there were very few pictures of him to begin with.

“As Bestla says, she remained in a jotun form for most of her pregnancy with him, since those months were in the fall, winter, and spring. Perhaps this is why he was born the way he was, but regardless of that, he did not inherit her gift of Shifting.”

“What happened to him?” Thor asked, unsure of he would like the answer. Odin looked at him for a moment before returning his attention to Loki.

“Vé was...” Odin shook his head and looked down at the picture. “Vé was brilliant,” he said at last. “At a very young age, he could master most everything he tried. Mathematics, history, language... everything came to him with ease, learning was a second nature to him. But for all the brilliance he had, he was often bored. And because he was so brilliant, people often forgot that he was still just a child. Like all children, he was trusting and naïve, and one day he discovered a way to slip out of the palace, unnoticed.”

Odin went quiet, picking up the photograph and looked down at it. “Vili and I had gone hunting with... a friend or two. Vé wanted to join us, despite not _liking_ hunting—he avoided all violence if he could—but with him as young as he was, our mother and I refused to let him come along. We don't know for sure, but... It has often crossed my mind that he had planned on following us from that moment on.”

“Father,” Thor said, dread filling his stomach. “Father, what happened to him?”

Odin's finger rubbed the worn edge of the picture, sighing deeply. “I said that we were at peace with Jotunheim and that very few people cared that Bestla was jotun. But, like always, there were people in Asgard who _did_ disapprove of a jotun being on the throne, for the only reason that Bestla was not _aesir_. Even I, as a half-blood, encountered hardship when I took the throne and I _look_ more aes than not. But Vé...” Odin shook his head before setting the photo down and looking up at them. “Vé was kidnapped and held for ransom. They told us that if they were not paid in full, then they would kill him. Needless to say, we paid in full, however when he was reunited with us...”

“Father,” Thor said, glancing at Loki. His brother was worrying his hands again, although his expression was stony.

Odin stood abruptly and moved to stand at the window, looking out. “Vé was returned to us,” he repeated, his voice dark. “But he was...” He stopped and clenched his fists. “They took his magic from him.”

Thor's eyes widened; he and Loki had once witnessed a magic-removal ritual, hiding where they wouldn't be seen. The event had been horrible and Thor _knew_ it had more of an effect on Loki than it had himself. The sentenced man had screamed for nearly ten minutes, screaming for help and then screaming for death before he went silent, still in pain, but unable to scream as blood poured from his ears and mouth and eyes.

Thor would never be able to forget how Loki's face had paled and how he had left before the ritual was finished. Loki had looked sick then and as Thor turned to his brother, he found that Loki looked like he was going to be sick now.

“What?” Loki managed, one hand hovering close to his mouth, the other clenching at his chair's armrest. “But... But that...”

Odin bowed his head. “I trust you know what happens when a person's magical core is pulled from their body,” he said. “It damaged him severely, both physically and mentally.”Odin broke off and drew a deep breath. “Vé died within a week of him being returned to us.”

A sound somewhere between a choke and a whimper ripped from Loki's throat and he covered his mouth again, eyes squeezed shut. Odin turned away from the window and focused on Loki instead, blinking as though he'd forgotten he and Thor were still in the room. He then approached Loki and said “Loki. Loki, be calm; it was a very long time ago.”

Thor reached out in concern and brushed Loki's arm with his fingers. Loki reacted like he'd been electrocuted; he jumped up from the chair and made to leave the room, pausing at the door and leaning against it, breathing heavily. Thor got up and went after him, keeping back a little. “Loki? Brother, are you well?”

Loki shook his head. “I think-” He paused and pressed a hand over his mouth again. “I think I'm-”

He fled the room a moment later. Thor hesitated a moment, glancing back at Odin before following Loki back to his rooms.

Loki had made it to his front room before being sick. Thor paused at the door and felt a wave of nausea roll through his stomach, watching as Loki heaved again. Thor forced it down and moved to help Loki, pulling his hair out of the way and murmuring to his brother, hoping to soothe him. Odin appeared shortly after and walked over, kneeling on Loki's other side, placing a hand on Loki's lower back.

“Thor,” he said, waving a hand to make Loki's vomit vanish from the trash. “Go fetch a glass of water for your brother.”

Thor nodded and stood, Odin pulling Loki's hair back instead. Loki was still half doubled over, something suspiciously like sobs escaping every so often, mixed with his ragged breathing. When Thor returned with the water, Odin was gently rubbing circles into Loki's upper back. Thor knelt again and offered the water, saying “Loki, would you like some water?”

Loki squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head, hugging his stomach. There was sweat on his brow and tears on his face and Thor couldn't help but feel utterly helpless. He looked at Odin, who murmured to Loki “My boy, would you like something to clean up with a bit?”

Loki nodded at that and Odin conjured a washcloth, handing it to Loki. Loki accepted it with a shaky hand and pressed the cloth to his face. When he pulled it away, he spat into the wastebasket and glanced at Thor, accepting the glass of water and rinsing his mouth, then taking a few tentative sips.

“Brother, are you alright?” Thor asked, still unsure of what to do. Loki sipped some more water and cleared his throat, nodding.

“I'd like to be alone, please,” he whispered in reply, his voice scratchy. Thor noticed that Loki's eyes were rimmed red, like he wanted to cry and nodded.

“Of course,” he said, standing. “I'll be- I'll bring you some food later. Is that okay?”

Loki nodded and Thor glanced at Odin, who nodded and indicated the door with a flick of his eye. Hesitant, Thor left, glancing back once more before leaving, closing the door a little ti give them some privacy. Thor then went to his own rooms, pacing and chewing on his lip. The sudden urge to hit something came over him like a wave and he clenched his jaw, pacing some more before leaving his rooms again, making his way to the training grounds to calm himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the people who skipped: Loki leaves the room and Thor and Odin follow him back to his rooms. They comfort Loki before Loki says he wishes to be alone. Odin stays to try and further comfort Loki while Thor goes off to the training grounds to calm himself.
> 
> In other news I'M BACK! Sorry this update took so long; I had hoped to get more writing done than I actually did over the holidays. Well, here's a late Happy New Year! I was kinda nervous about posting this chapter, since I wasn't sure if my explanation would suffice. To add more into it, I got kinda pissed about how human history leaves out a LOT of fantastic women, so I figured the same would probably happen on Asgard. Let me know what you think!


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.

Odin remained kneeling on the floor with Loki, sitting in silence as Loki continued to drink his water in little sips. “Loki,” he said, voice soft. “Please look at me.”

Loki refused for a moment before lifting his eyes to Odin's. Odin cupped the back of Loki's head and searched his face for a moment. “I am sorry,” he said at last, keeping the same tone. “I did not think before I spoke. I did not know how _strongly_ this would affect you.”

Loki nodded, eyes flicking down to avoid Odin's again. Odin hesitated, then leaned in and pressed a kiss to Loki's forehead. Loki looked back up at him, blinking at him in surprise.

“It was not my intention to keep the knowledge of Bestla away from you,” Odin repeated. “As for Vé, the records of him were destroyed, as I said. After his death, Bestla and Bor's marriage all but broke apart; she became more of a ghost and after Bor's death, she stayed just long enough to see me on the throne before leaving. No one knows where she went off to. I know not if she still lives. I did not mention Vé because there are very few in the Nine who even remember he existed. I thought, should either you or Thor find a record of him, that we would discuss it then. As I say, I misjudged your reaction on hearing his fate.”

Loki blinked and nodded, looking down again. “I understand,” he whispered. Odin's hand moved to the back of Loki's neck, where he squeezed a moment for reassurance.

“You are very dear to me, Loki,” Odin said at last. “More than you will ever be able to fathom. It is something I should have told you much, much sooner.”

Loki said nothing and Odin reached up, stroking the boy's hair once. “Would you like to be alone?” He asked and Loki nodded, looking back at his hands. “Very well,” Odin said and stood, using Gungnir for support. “Would you like me to send your mother?”

Loki hesitated a moment, then shook his head slowly. Odin quirked an eyebrow. “Loki, it is alright if you would like for her to come. You do not-” He paused, then huffed, looking for the right words. “You do not have to be alone.”

“I'm okay,” Loki whispered. “Thank you.”

Odin nodded and walked to the door, but before he left, Loki whispered “I'm sorry, too. For what I said.”

“What?” Odin turned, blinking at his youngest son in bewilderment.

“In the healing rooms,” Loki clarified, his voice no more than a mumble. “I said that I- Anyway, I'm sorry. I shouldn't... I shouldn't have said it. It was cruel of me.”

Odin stared at him a moment longer before his memory clicked. _“I'd be better off dead than with you for a father.”_

 _Ah,_ Odin thought and walked back to Loki, kneeling again and placing a hand on his shoulder. “I forgive you,” he said simply. Loki tensed and nodded. Odin stayed where he was for a moment and Loki lifted a hand to wipe his face again. _He's crying,_ Odin realized. A moment later, he pulled Loki into his arms, ignoring that Loki had gone stiff. “I forgive you,” he repeated quietly to his son.

“Why?” Loki asked, still tense. Odin pulled back and looked at Loki, really _looked_ at him.

“Because you are my _son_ ,” he said. “Because I love you, Loki, and that will never change, no matter what you say. You are my _son_ , Loki,” he repeated, wanting to shake Loki so the words would pierce his skull, to make him believe them. “You are my _son_ and I will not give you up so easily.”

Loki pressed his lips together, blinking rapidly now to try and keep his tears back. Odin pulled Loki into his arms again and whispered “It's okay, Loki. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.”

And Loki wrapped his arms around Odin, pressing his face into Odin's shoulder, not crying, just _holding_. Odin squeezed him back, stroking his hair and closing his eye. He was unsure just how long they sat there for, silent as Odin became lost in thought, stroking a hand over Loki's hair. It had been a long time since he had last held Loki like this and he felt a pang of regret.

Finally, Loki took a deep breath and sighed, sitting back on his heels. He pushed hair out of his face and rubbed at his eyes as Odin watched him, meeting his eyes when he looked up.

“Is there anything else I should know about?” Loki asked, a lip twitching. Odin considered.

“One or two things,” he said at last. “But I think, unless you _want_ me to tell you this moment, that we will discuss it another day.”

Loki tensed and chewed on his lip. “Is it serious news?” He asked. Again, Odin considered.

“One of them, perhaps, although it is no urgent matter. The other...” He grimaced. “Is not... _serious_ , no. It more concerns me than you.”

Loki frowned and narrowed his eyes. “Is it _important_?” He asked.

“It involves one who was important to me,” Odin replied. “An old friend in times gone past. But as I say, it concerns me more.”

Loki nodded slowly, the tension leaking from his posture. “Alright,” he relented. “Another day.”

Odin nodded once and decided to change the subject. “Are you hungry?” He asked. Loki shrugged, looking down t his hands.

“No,” he said. “Not really. Just a little tired.”

“Very well.” Odin stood again. “I shall make sure something gets sent up to you later, in case Thor forgets.”

Loki nodded. “Thank you. Father.”

Odin nodded and turned. “Rest well, Loki,” he said and slipped out of the room, closing the door behind him and making his way back to his study.

It was only later that he realized Loki had called him Father.

* * *

Thor arrived at the training grounds and looked around, slightly more relaxed now that he was in an environment where he could hit things. He left Mjolnir in his rooms, going through the armory instead, looking through the various swords and javelins and spears until he came upon a large axe sitting unused in a corner. He picked it up, weighing it in his hands and giving it an experimental swing.

“Looks good on you,” a voice said and he turned to see a familiar figure standing in the doorway, a grin on his face, blond hair arranged to an almost stupid level of perfection. Thor blinked at him before a grin lit his face.

“Fandral!” He said, letting his arm drop to his side. “What are you doing here? You're not allowed in the palace!”

Fandral gave him a one-armed shrug. “Ah,” he said, walking in, hands in his pockets. “But I'm not technically _in_ the palace. After poking around a little, I discovered that _these_ training grounds are fair game: they're open to the public and the practice weapons are open to anyone who's willing to be supervised. You cannot banish someone from a public area, can you?”

Thor let out a huff of laughter. “Well, when you put it like _that_ ,” he said and clapped a hand to Fandral's shoulder. It had always irritated Loki to no end, but Fandral was almost as good as him in finding loopholes.

Fandral's logic was also _rarely_ genuine logic; another thing that would always irritate Loki. Thor could remember the many times Loki would argue with Fandral, trying to make him see _reason_ and _actual logic_ , but Fandral—along with the rest of them—had always found it amusing to stubbornly insist his _own_ brand of logic until Loki gave up. It was a good game, Thor thought. But perhaps Loki hadn't known it was meant to be a game.

“That reminds me of your old axe,” Fandral said, nodding to the blunt one in Thor's hand. “What was it called? Jornbjorn? Ridiculous name, when you think about it.”

“ _Jarn_ bjorn,” Thor corrected. “And yes, this one does look like it, doesn't it?” He lifted the axe, inspecting it more before nodding. “I need to hit something.”

“Ah! Are you willing to have a partner?” Fandral asked, wiggling his eyebrows. “It's been an age; I fear I'm out of practice.”

“You? Never,” Thor teased. “Pick your weapon of choice, my friend. We won't need a supervisor if you're with me.”

Fandral, who was best with bladed weapons, chose a double-edged sword. Together, they walked onto the training grounds and into an empty facility. “Ready?” Fandral asked as he got into position. Thor grinned.

“Always,” he replied, falling into stance. “Are you?”

Fandral replied by attacking. Thor blocked him and pushed him back. Fandral grinned. “My goodness, Thor,” he said. “Is it possible _you're_ out of practice?”

Thor laughed and they continued with the spar, ducking, blocking, attacking, until Thor was declared the winner by the cut on Fandral's forearm, slowly leaking blood. They sparred again, then continued until they were both drenched in sweat, several hours later.

“Thank you, Thor,” Fandral said as they returned to the armory, replacing their weapons. “I've not sparred like that in quite a while.”

Thor grinned and clapped a hand to Fandral's shoulder. “Nor have I,” he replied as they walked off the grounds, towards the nearby tavern. “Have you seen anything of Sif and Hogun?”

“No, I have not,” Fandral said, the regret clear in his tone. “Well, not _recently_. I run into Sif on occasion, but it is... _hard_ to make plans with her.” he leaned in and said “Her father does not approve of my 'hanging around' her. Perhaps he thinks I will defile her.”

Thor snorted and rolled his eyes. “I wonder why he would _possibly_ think that.”

Fandral grinned and pushed at Thor's shoulder. “Hey, now, I'm being serious! We meet in the cover of night, drinking and complaining to each other about our everyday lives.” They sat at a table and got their drinks, Thor still grinning.

“But what of Hogun?” Thor asked. “You say you have not seen him recently either?”

“Aye, that's right,” Fandral said, his smile fading. “Every now and then, but he is so... sullen.”

“When is he _not_?” Thor asked, raising his eyes. Fandral shook his head.

“This is different,” Fandral replied, eyes downcast. “He is... Well, he was the one who convinced us to retrieve you. I... think that things will not be easy for him when he returns to Vanaheim.” Fandral took a long draft of his drink, then wiped his mouth. “But I've seen _nothing_ of Volstagg. How is he? Do you know?”

Thor smiled. “I see him on occasion,” he replied. “He is well, I think. Bored, but he says he is pleased to have more time for his family.”

Fandral snorted. “He's the only one.” He shook his head and brought his drink halfway to his lips before asking “How is Loki?”

Thor sipped his drink. “He is...” He sighed. “I am unsure,” he admitted. “But I think he is getting better. He is hurt, Fandral. Not in that sense,” he added as Fandral looked up, eyes wide. “Not physically. No, he is... not well, Fandral. Not yet.”

“Do you know what happened that he went so...?” Fandral trailed off and made a motion with his hand. Thor sighed and leaned his head into his hand.

“Some,” he said. “It was... the stress of many things, I think. My banishment, the oncoming war, Father falling into the Odinsleep...” Thor paused and shifted in his chair. “...among other things.”

Fandral raised his eyebrows. “Oh? What 'other things' would that be?”

“Fandral,” Thor said, looking up at him. “You are my friend, one of the greatest I've ever had. However, what happened is not my story to tell. Just know that Loki found out something that greatly disturbed him, and it caused much stress on his mind.”

Fandral gave Thor a long look, as if assessing him. Then, he nodded, going back to his drink. “Of course, Thor,” he said. “I understand. Give Loki my greetings, won't you? I wish him a speedy recovery of... whatever ails him.”

Thor smiled up at Fandral gratefully. “Thank you, my friend,” he said. “I greatly appreciate it. I'll tell him.”

Fandral smiled and lifted his tankard. “To Loki?”

Thor huffed a laugh and raised his own tankard, tapping it to Fandral's. “To Loki,” he said and drank the last of his ale. He put the tankard down and tossed some coins on the table. “I must return,” he said. “It was good to see you, Fandral. Tell Sif and Hogun I say hello, the next time you see them.”

“So long as you'll do the same for Volstagg,” Fandral replied. “Take care of yourself, Thor.”

“As you, my friend,” Thor said, and made his way back to his chambers.

When he collapsed on his bed, Thor realized there was something on his pillow. Frowning, he sat up, looking at the thing. It was a book, worn at the edges from age and use. He picked it up and opened it, glancing at the title.

 _The Beginners' Guide to Basic Spellwork_ , read the title. On the corner of the page, in neat handwriting, was written _Property of Loki Odinson_.

Thor closed the book and looked at it, licking his lips as his eyes stung. He raised his head and smiled, looking over at the door. “Thank you, brother,” he whispered, and placed the book on his bedside, standing and walking to the bathroom to bathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we FINALLY have some Odin & Loki reconciliation. And hey hey! Fandral makes an appearance! I do love writing Fandral, he's a great character. It's always been my headcanon that out of the Warriors Three, Loki got along with him the best.
> 
> Any feedback would be great!


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel.  
> Claimer: I own Evyn Dolrson.

Loki's fingers drummed irritably on the armrest of her seat as Evyn watched her. They were on the verge of starting a staring contest when Evyn sighed and closed his eyes, scratching his temple. “We've not had a silent session in a while,” he said, putting his hand back into his lap. “ _Is_ this going to remain a silent session? Would you like to play a game?”

Loki narrowed her eyes a little and began chewing on the inside of her cheek. “I am having trouble organizing my thoughts into what I wish to say,” she said at last, spreading her hand out over the armrest to stop them from drumming. “It's a rarity,” she added, “that I don't know what to say, but it does happen.”

“Alright,” Evyn said, nodding. “What do you usually do when this happens?”

“Well, _generally_ , people don't notice,” she huffed, crossing her arms and sitting back. Evyn only gave her a kind smile.

“Alright, well, maybe I can help,” he said. “What's are your thoughts about?”

Loki sighed. “Odin.”

“Alright,” Evyn said and gave her an encouraging nod. “What about Odin?”

“He's...” Loki pursed her lips. “Confusing,” she settled for. “He's _confusing_ and I don't trust him. But I think he might care about me. Maybe.”

Evyn nodded again with a thoughtful expression. “What happened?” He asked. “It's rare that you want to talk about him.” He paused and added “ _Do_ you want to talk about him?”

Loki hesitated. “Yes,” she said. “I think I ought to.”

“If you like,” Evyn said. “Start whenever you're ready, Loki.”

Loki fidgeted her fingers. “He told me about my- our grandmother. Thor and mine.” She paused and added “She was jotun.”

“ _Was_ she?” Evyn said, looking surprised. Loki nodded.

“Yes,” she said. “Thor found a diary of hers in the library and brought it to me. I- _We_ went to Odin and demanded for answers. He told us that the information wasn't intentionally kept from us and that it was a slight in our history education that overlooked the fact.”

Evyn tilted his head to the side. “If I may,” he said. “You seem doubtful. Can you tell me why?”

Loki shook her head and let out another huff. “He also told us about an uncle of ours, one who died when he was still a child. His name was Vé and he was the only one of them that took after Bestla in that he _looked_ like a jotun, but unlike her, he couldn't Shift into an aes skin. He was kidnapped and... tortured,” she settled on, not wanting to reveal exactly what had happened.

“That must have been difficult to hear,” Evyn said sympathetically.

Loki sighed and nodded. “But now... On the one hand, I'm angry that the information was kept from us, even if it was unintentional. But knowing Odin, I'm not sure it _was_ unintentional, no matter how _sorry_ he seems about it.”

“That's not unreasonable,” Evyn said and Loki looked up at him, surprised. Apparently seeing her expression, he continued “He broke your trust, Loki. It's going to be some time before that trust returns, and even then, you may feel a little distrust towards him.”

Loki nodded. “But... Well, I asked him if he were keeping any secrets from me. He said there were two things he was keeping from me, but that neither of them were terribly important to me.”

“And yet he didn't reveal them to you?” Evyn asked. Loki shrugged.

“I was upset after I discovered Vé and Bestla,” she said. “He said it might be best to hear about the other things a bit later. Besides, he said _one_ of them wasn't even terribly relevant to me.”

“Be that as it may,” Evyn said. “The sooner there are no secrets between you two, I think the faster your relationship will heal. But already I see it's beginning to get a bit better and progress is always important. How do you think it affects your relationship with your family?”

Loki gave him a knowing smirk. “You're asking about Thor, aren't you?” She asked. Evyn raised his eyebrows.

“Well, I meant it as a broad term, including Thor. Do you wish to talk about Thor?”

Loki's smirk fell a little and she shrugged. “He's been acting different,” she said. “And yet, a lot like he did _before_.”

“In what ways?” Evyn asked. Loki sighed and rolled her eyes.

“He's been coming into my room more and more,” she said. “But he's finally discovered the novelty of _knocking_. He drags me away from my studies like he used to, but once we're outside, he asks what I would like to do, and I can't shake him for at least an _hour and a half_ , but after that, if I tell him to leave me alone, he does. He's also been dragging me to dinner practically every evening,” she added. “And he hasn't done _that_ in...” She considered. Time used to be that Thor would constantly drag her to dinner, making sure she ate. But he stopped once he also stopped eating consistent meals with the family. “Well, it's been a while, to say the least,” she finished.

“Does this irritate you?” Evyn asked, leaning forward with a small look of concern. “Does he stop when you tell him to stop?”

Loki felt a bit of heat touch her cheeks. Truth be told, for all her protesting and saying she was busy, she never _once_ told Thor to stop. “...I haven't asked him to,” she said at last. There was silence for a moment before she head a small breathy laugh. Glancing up, she saw that Evyn had leaned back and was grinning.

“What?” She said, furrowing her brows and crossing her arms. Evyn shook his head.

“Loki,” he said. “You _are_ allowed to like it.” And _damn it all_ , why was she suddenly blushing like a virgin? She looked down again, on the verge of pouting. Evyn stopped laughing and said, kindly, “It seems to me that Thor just wants to spend time with you. You're allowed to want to spend time with him as well, Loki. In fact, so long as he's respecting your space, privacy, and boundaries, I encourage it.”

Loki nodded, still blushing, and said “He's also been asking me for tips on magic.”

“Has he now?” Evyn said, raising his eyebrows. “And how's that going?”

Loki shook her head, grinning. “Terribly,” she said. “He has quite a bit of magic, as seen with accidentally making storms when we were younger. But...” Loki bit her lip. “He's impatient even when he's trying, every bit of theory just _flies_ over his head and he can't produce anything we've tried thus far!” She paused and added “And in a way, I don't _want_ him to be good at it. And I don't know why.”

Evyn nodded. “I've seen this before,” he said. “And knowing you, I think it narrows down to this; you're good at magic and he's good at fighting. To you, I think this feels like a- a crossing of territories, perhaps?”

Loki winced. “He still doesn't know that the reason he couldn't find any beginners books in the library was because I was hiding them from them,” she said. “I just... It felt _nice_ at first, knowing he was serious about learning. But now, it just... It feels like...” She stopped again, frustrated, before bursting out “It's _mine_! _I'm_ the one who's good at magic! I don't want him to- to-” She stopped again and looked at Evyn, horrified of what she'd said, but Evyn just continued to nod.

“I see,” he said. “Magic is what you're good at and fighting is what he's good at. You don't want him to succeed in both, for that would be unfair.”

Loki pressed her lips together and felt her eyes sting. “'M just being selfish,” she said and Evyn tilted his head.

“Perhaps,” he said. “But Loki, you're good at fighting too. You use knives, that's true, but that's something Thor hasn't been able to manage, is it?”

Loki bit her lip and nodded slowly. “Yeah,” she said. “That's true.”

“And whereas you and Thor are good at different kinds of weapons training, is it not also impossible that you may be good at different branches of magic? You may have struggled with training, but it's clear that Thor's struggling now. Try different branches, although from what you've told me, I suspect he's more elemental than you are.”

Loki looked almost offended. “I _happen_ to be quite skilled with fire branches, thank you _very_ much.”

“I'm not saying that you're not,” Evyn said. “Forgive me, that wasn't what I meant. I simply meant that while you're better with illusions, Thor's better with creating storms. Let that be your guide on what to teach him.”

Loki considered him for a moment, arms still crossed. “Alright,” she relented. “I'll try. Thank you.”

Evyn smiled. “You're welcome, Loki.”

* * *

Thor and Loki were standing in the hallway, waiting for Odin and Frigga to join them. Today was the day that Loki and Odin were going to Alfheim, and Thor could tell that Loki was nervous.

Loki was also wearing a hat with a rather wide brim. Thor had been teasing him about it lightly for the past half-hour, and suddenly grinned as he leaned towards Loki again and said “Well, at least it doesn't have _horns_.”

“At least it doesn't have _feathers_ ,” Loki retorted and Thor grinned until he noticed Loki's posture; he was stiff as a board, shoulders tensed. Frowning, Thor moved to place a hand at the base of Loki's neck.

“Are you alright, brother?” He asked, beginning to rub some of the tension out.

“Brother, are you alright?” Thor asked, continuing to rub.

“Hmm?” Fine,” Loki replied, putting his hands in his pockets. He closed his eyes as Thor continued to rub, tilting his chin down. Eventually, Loki began to loosen up and relax a little, although he had taken his hands out of his pockets and fidgeted endlessly. “Where _are_ they?” He said, to no one in particular, looking around as if hoping their parents would suddenly appear.

“They'll be here soon enough,” Thor said, grinning and dropping his hand. Loki huffed and they returned to their silence.

Things had become... Well, not _easier_ , but certainly different over the past few weeks. Thor had gone into Loki's room several times—knocking first, he was always very careful to _knock_ now—and had dragged Loki away from whatever it was he was doing for a bit of fresh air. At first, Thor was hesitant to do so, but he let Loki decide what to do. Sometimes they walked through the gardens, or sparred, or went through the markets. Sometimes Thor went into his room to drag him away from his studies to eat dinner.

But no matter how much Loki rolled his eyes at being dragged away, Thor always caught the small smile Loki gave when Thor asked what they should do and when Thor asked him for advice on magic. But despite this, Loki still seemed shy somehow; like he was afraid to start showing himself again. Then again, it had only been a few weeks. Thor knew things wouldn't be fixed so instantly, especially since it had taken them months just to get to _this_ point.

Thor gave Loki a sideways look, his brother looking irritated at their— _Their!_ Thor felt like he was going to burst with joy when Loki referred to Odin as _their_ father a few days before and didn't correct himself—parents' lateness. He hesitated before saying “Loki?”

“Hm?” Loki glanced at him. “What is it?”

“Travel safely,” Thor said. Loki raised an eyebrow, the corners of his mouth twitching up for a moment.

“I _always_ travel safely,” he replied, placing a hand to his chest, pretending to be offended. “As I recall, brother, it is _you_ who attracts an inordinate amount of trouble. Besides, I will have Father with me.”

Thor grinned and tilted his head to the side in acknowledgment. “Aye, that is true,” he said. He glanced at Loki and added “Travel safely, won't you?”

Loki turned around to face him, raising an eyebrow. He looked as though he were going to say something, Thor thought, but then Loki's head turned away towards the footsteps coming down the hall and said “There they are.”

Thor turned and saw Frigga and Odin walking towards them, Odin stopping before Loki and looking him up and down. “Are you ready?” He asked.

“Oh, give me a moment, Odin,” Frigga scolded lightly and pulled Loki into a hug, placing a kiss on his cheek. “Have a good time, darling,” she said. “But don't overwhelm yourself.”

“I won't,” Loki said dutifully and placed a kiss to her cheek. “Goodbye, Mother.”

Frigga smiled and pressed a kiss to Odin's cheek as well, whispering something into his ear. A flash of annoyance crossed Odin's face and he frowned before waving her away. He looked back at Loki and said “Well?”

“Well, indeed,” Loki replied. “Off we go.” He glanced at Thor, lifting a hand in farewell before he and Odin turned to leave. Thor watched as they descended down the hall and leaned in towards Frigga, murmuring “How long do you think it will take for one of them to drive the other up a wall?”

Frigga gave a soft laugh, slapping his arm affectionately. “They'll only be gone for a few days,” she reminded him. Thor smiled and returned his gaze to Loki and Odin's backs.

 _Aye,_ he thought to himself, sighing as he and Frigga turned away. _They'll be alright. They are with each other._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Odin and Loki are on their way to Alfheim! I wanted to write some light-hearted sibling fluff. It's been my idea that Loki's been stealing the spellbooks from the library since Thor told him about wanting to learn and so although she still isn't thrilled with the idea of Thor learning, she's willing to let him try (if only to prove herself right in that he'll want to give up. So far, this has yet to happen).
> 
> I'd like to thank the state of Georgia for this chapter; I was there for a college visit and had almost nothing to do for all of Thursday, until my overnight thingy started. So yeah.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who commented and left kudos! We are officially over 8,000 views and 300 kudos and I'm overjoyed! Seriously, I did not expect the overwhelming response from people. You're the best readers!
> 
> EDIT: Hey guys, my friend Ricky made fanart of Loki in the floppy hat! Check it out [here!](http://teckmonky.deviantart.com/art/To-Speak-Loki-603174204?ga_submit_new=10%253A1460740297)


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. Obviously.

Loki kept lagging behind.

She was doing it on purpose, or more, _accidentally_ -on-purpose, although Odin didn't seem to mind. They hadn't really spoken beyond making small talk towards the beginning of their journey. This suited Loki just fine, seeing as she wasn't quite sure what to say if Odin _did_ start talking to her.

Although it was true that she didn't go out of her way to avoid Odin anymore, and saw him more often since Thor regularly dragged her to dinner, but there was so much... _uneasiness_. Loki mulled over it in her head again. Talking with Evyn about the situation had helped, she still wasn't quite sure what to _do_ about it.

Loki decided she would have time to consider it later and turned her thoughts to what Frigga had whispered in Odin's ear before they left. Did she tell Odin to be good? Or to go easy on her? Or—Norns forbid—tell Odin to look _after_ her?

It was then that Loki realized Odin was talking to her. She looked up ahead to where Odin had stopped walking and gave an intelligent “Hmm?”

“Are you hungry?” Odin said, with the expression of someone who had just repeated themselves three times. Loki shrugged.

“I... suppose so,” she replied, realizing as she spoke that yes, she _was_ getting hungry.

It was good enough for Odin, who pulled out sandwiches someone—probably Frigga—had packed for them. They were close to the mountains now, but still in the woods. A brook trickled somewhere close by and Loki looked around a little. “Not that I'm not enjoying our walk,” she said, “but why did we not take a skiff?”

Odin took a moment to reply, chewing thoughtfully. “I thought it would seem less conspicuous. The Realms know Asgard's Bifrost is being rebuilt; how would it seem if an Asgardian skiff were seen on another Realm?”

Loki tilted her head in acknowledgment and considered for a few moments, realizing that since she hadn't attended any council meetings since the Bifrost Incident, she knew nothing of what was happening in other Realms. “What's the news from other Realms?” She asked. Odin hummed.

“Vanaheim is beginning to have trouble with marauders,” he replied. “Nidavellir is doing trade with Alfheim and Jotunheim.”

Loki looked up at that, eyes narrowing. “Trouble?” She asked. Odin shook his head.

“Not for the other Realms yet,” Odin said. “Heimdall and I suspect a civil war is going to break out in Jotunheim as an Heir is chosen for the throne.”

Loki frowned and went back to her sandwich. She'd not spoken of Jotunheim to anyone other than Evyn, and couldn't care less what happened. Regardless, she finally asked “Would the throne not go to Laufey's Heir? Hel-something, isn't it?”

“Helblindi,” Odin said and shook his head again. “It would, however there is a problem; Helblindi is not yet of age and while Laufey made it clear that Helblindi is supposed to inherit, however the laws of succession say that until Helblindi is of age, neither can officially inherit. Byleistr is currently acting as Regent and Helblindi is not happy about that.”

Loki hesitated, thinking things through. “What are the laws of succession on Jotunheim?” She asked.

“It has been a long time since I studies Jotunheim's laws,” Odin said. “But I remember that the successor is decided by election.” He paused there and then put his sandwich down, looking at Loki. “When we spoke of Bestla and Ve, you asked if there was anything else that you should know.”

“You said there was,” Loki said, also putting her sandwich down, heart beginning to speed up, dread weighing in her stomach. “And that you'd tell me another day, at least about the important one.”

Odin nodded. “I never planned on breaking my word to you,” he said and waited for Loki to look him in the eye before saying “Loki. You are a prince of both Asgard and, logically speaking, Jotunheim. That makes you eligible for the throne of Jotunheim, if you so wished. As it is, since you defeated Laufey, you are already being considered for the position.”

Loki's eyes widened. “- What? No!” She stood, her forgotten sandwich falling to the ground. “Absolutely not! How could you even _ask_ that of me?”

“Loki, _Loki_ ,” Odin said, putting his own food aside and standing. “I ask _nothing_ of you, my son. Do not mistake my telling you of this as my _desire_ for it to be so.”

“Why didn't you tell me earlier?” Loki snarled. Odin pursed his lips.

“Because until the Bifrost I fixed and we can go to Jotunheim in _any_ official capacity—and yes, that includes denying the position if you so choose—they will hold the election. Your mother and I considered it more important for you to focus on your treatment than of something we can currently do nothing about.”

Loki huffed and turned away at that, beginning to pace wordlessly. She could see Odin's reasoning. What point would there be in worrying about something they—as Odin had said—could do nothing about? Loki wondered what to say when Odin walked over and placed a hand to her shoulder.

“It is,” he said, “entirely up to you. If you wish to rule, then you may do so. If not, then you may decline the position. Whatever your decision, your mother and I will support it.”

“But I'm not even-” Loki clenched her jaw in frustration and shrugged off Odin's hand. “Are you done?” She asked, nodding to the rest of their food. “Or shall we continue on?”

Odin gave a soft sigh. “Yes,” he said. “I am finished. Let's move on.”

Loki nodded and began to repack her bag. Her sandwich was covered in dirt, but as she picked it up to throw away, she discovered that she had lost her appetite anyway.

* * *

The sun was just beginning to set when Odin and Loki arrived in Alfheim. The Passage led out onto a grassy hillside where Loki could pause for a moment to appreciate the sunset.

Loki had always thought that the sunsets on Alfheim were the prettiest to behold; the sun and the moon aligning for just a few moments, bathing the Realm in blue and red light. But then the sun would fall over the horizon, and the moon would rise high into the night sky, stars peaking out.

Odin paused beside her, also taking in the sight. Neither of them said a word—for which Loki was glad—and Loki sat down, clapping a hand over her head to keep her hat on as a breeze passed by. After a moment, Odin sat as well. He took out his water for a few sips before passing it to Loki.

When the sun finally fell below the horizon, Odin sighed and made to stand. “Come,” he said, offering Loki his hand. “I would like to reach our destination before it becomes too late in the evening.”

Loki continued looking at the sky for a moment, tucking a few stray lock of hair behind her ear before taking Odin's hand and pulling herself to her feet. They began to make their way down the hillside, but Loki continued to lag behind, still looking up at the stars.

They arrived at the in about half an hour later. Odin got them two rooms and handed Loki the key to one of them. As they walked upstairs, Odin glanced back and said “Would you like to eat?”

Loki hesitated before shaking her head; she was suddenly exhausted. “No, thank you,” she said. “Not hungry.”

Odin frowned. “Are you sure?” He asked. “You barely ate anything at lunch.”

Loki shrugged. “It's... one of those days,” she said, waving a hand. “And I can always get something later.”

Odin nodded slowly. “Very well,” he said. “Are you going to retire now?” When Loki nodded, Odin continued “Well then. Good night, Loki.”

“Good night,” Loki replied and slipped into her room. It was small and modest; there was a dresser, a table, and a bed. Immediately, Loki shifted into her feminine form, letting out a moan of relief. While she was used to having to hide her feminine form, it was _always_ a relief to Shift into how she wanted to look. She had yet to tell Odin about the gender-changing she did, but she had also not yet found an appropriate time to tell him.

Loki placed her pack on the table and approached the bed warily, checking it for bedbugs before shrugging off her coat, hat, and boots, pulling her hair out of its braid. She pulled out her braid and fell into the bed, wrapping the blankets around herself and settling in.

She considered herself fortunate for falling asleep as quickly as she did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, everyone! I've been super swamped by schoolwork and I've had NO time or motivation to write. I'm so happy to finally have this chapter out! I'm hoping to have another one out by the end of the month.
> 
> Can I just say that "Death By Glamour" is my favorite Boss Theme from Undertale? (Although I currently have "Spookwave" as my ringtone.) I'm thinking about writing an Undertale fic after I finish "To Speak." Maybe it'll be my next Big Project. (Or maybe I'll go back and finish that Loki series that I've kinda left hanging...)
> 
> Thank you to everyone who commented and left kudos! :)


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel.

After over a thousand years of the same routine, Odin wasn't surprised to find that he woke early that morning. There was nothing for him to do really; he realized he didn't know when Loki would wake, if he wasn't already. Instead, he closed his eye in an attempt at falling asleep again.

When sleep didn't come, and he started to get bored, Odin got up and dressed, finding the two little pastry tarts Frigga had packed for him. He paused a moment after finding them and ate one as he finished his morning routine. He then made his way downstairs for a more filling breakfast, finding Loki seated at a table in the corner, drawing in a sketchbook. Odin made his way over, slowing to allow the boy time to look up.

“Oh,” Loki said. “Good morning.”

“Good morning,” Odin said. “Might I sit?”

“Yes, of course,” Loki said and grabbed his coloring pencils, his cheeks flushing. _Drawing, then,_ Odin thought as he sat.

“Don't stop on my account,” Odin said. “Have you eaten already?” He added, spying the teapot and steaming cup.

“Yes, F-Father,” Loki said, half stumbling over his words, but slowing as he put the pencils back into their box. Odin didn't bring attention to it, but he noticed all the same.

Instead he asked “Do you regularly get up this early?”

“No,” Loki said. “But I found that sleep evaded me shortly after four.” Changing the subject then, he added “What are we doing today?”

Odin looked up at him. “Today we are going to the jotun community. Today happens to be the start of an annual tradition.”

Loki raised an eyebrow. “And I assume there is a celebration of sorts?”

“You assume correctly,” Odin said. “Anyone who wishes to attend may go.”

“Hmm.” Loki was dangerously close to sticking the end of one of his pencils in his mouth, seemingly absently. Odin wondered whether he should say something when Loki pulled it away again and asked “What is this tradition?”

Odin smiled slightly. “It is to celebrate the beginning of winter on Alfheim,” he replied. “When the first snow falls, the celebrations begin. When it snows again, they stop. As this suggests, it means the celebration can go on for days, weeks, even months.” He paused there a moment before adding “I think the longest of this celebration went on for nearly three months. There will be music and socializing. Food will be sold, along with various wares, and perhaps even storytelling.” Odin smiled again and added “It has been quite some time since I last attended this.”

Loki nodded, drinking this in as he put his pencils away, forgetting one that he had placed behind his ear. “Was there ever a community of jotnar on Asgard?” He asked. Odin considered, trying to remember.

“Not quite like there is a community _here_ ,” he said. “Even when my mother was Queen, there was never a large population. However, there were missionaries and diplomats who came from Jotunheim. Like how Hogun comes from Vanaheim, but remained here for his training.”

Loki looked down at his lap, thinking about something. Odin let the silence stretch and ordered his breakfast. He had already begun eating by the time Loki said “Did the jotnar also train here as warriors?”

“Several did,” Odin said, nodding.

“But... Healer Evyn informed me that the jotnar are not particularly violent,” Loki said, not quite hesitantly as cautiously. A sudden memory of a red-haired jotun falling into the dirt and pouting made Odin huff out a laugh.

“No,” he said, still grinning to himself. “No, they are not. The jotnar who trained on Asgard all fell a bit behind, but could handle themselves well with long-distance weapons—like arrows and throwing knives and spears—before they even arrived. They are also possibly the best trappers in the Nine Realms. Ah- They were hunters,” he added at Loki's confused expression. “Very, _very_ skilled hunters, but not warriors, save those trained for the royal guard. Had Laufey's army been properly trained for war, they would have most certainly won.”

Loki watched him for a moment, as though he were about to ask a question. Odin looked up at him. “What is it, Loki? You look as though you wish to say something.”

Loki shook his head, almost too slowly to be entirely truthful. “No,” he said. “Not really. I merely wondered if you personally trained any of the jotnar.”

“Only a handful, myself,” Odin said. “They became very good warriors before they were called back to Jotunheim.”

Loki looked up at that and frowned. “'Called back'? What do you mean?”

Odin sighed. “There were still several jotnar on Asgard after I became king. About a year or so before the war started, they began calling back their warriors. At first, it seemed like a civil war, but then of course, they invaded Midgard.” Odin stopped there as uncomfortable memories started creeping towards the front of his mind. “Excuse me,” he said and stood, turning to find a restroom.

“Down the hall, third on the left,” Loki said. Odin grunted and went on his way.

When he returned, Loki had his sketchbook out again, having taken the forgotten pencil out from behind his ear. Odin ate, watching the boy as he drew; his brows were slightly knitted together, lips pursed. Sometimes he blew on the paper, or fiddled with the pencil in his fingers, sticking the end of it in his mouth at times.

That was something Thor did as well, Odin noted; when Thor became frustrated with a document, he would stick the end of his pen or pencil in his mouth. A strange habit, in Odin's opinion, if not a little endearing. Although now he was thinking on it, he wasn't quite sure where his children had picked it up.

As if noticing Odin's stare, Loki's eyes flicked up. He took the end of his pencil out of his mouth and raised an eyebrow in silent question. Odin raised his as well, eye flicking momentarily towards the sketchbook. Loki rolled his eyes and gave a small sigh before returning to his drawing.

“What are you drawing?” Odin asked at last.

“Nothing.”

“Really.” It wasn't a question and Odin got no reply. Odin sighed to himself and finished his breakfast in silence. When the plate was taken away, he stood, Loki glancing up.

“Shall we?” Odin asked. Loki inclined his head for a moment, the sketchbook and pencil vanishing as he stood, a cloak appearing in his hand.

Odin donned his own cloak and they left the inn, walking down the road in silence. It was a crisp, quiet morning in Odin's opinion; the early morning mist was beginning to thin, and the frost crunched under Loki's feet as he insisted on walking on the grass. He almost didn't seem to notice what he was doing, hands in his pockets, an expression of contemplation on his face.

“It's going to rain,” he informed Odin, face turned towards the sky.

Odin glanced up. It was a little cloudy, but the sky could be seen clearly. “That is most unfortunate, since the festival is outside.”

Loki hummed and shrugged. “I could be wrong,” he admitted. Odin glanced at him, but said nothing in reply. They continued on their way, Loki beginning to trail behind a little, reminding Odin slightly of when the boy was younger, stopping every so often to look at a flower or animal. Sometimes, as a child, Loki would race back to Odin's side to show him an interesting stone or flower, or else pull him back down the path to look at a set of animal tracks he had found.

Those instances had started to annoy Odin as Loki grew older. He felt a pang of regret at the memory now, turning his head slightly to look at Loki. The boy's had face turned towards the ground again and Odin faced forward, sighing to himself.

“We're almost there,” he said to Loki after a while longer. Indeed, they could both hear music in the distance. Loki looked up and hummed in reply.

When the festival came into sight, Odin realized that Loki wasn't following him. Turning, he noticed that Loki had stopped walking, as though frozen to the spot, eyes wide. Odin sighed and walked back. “What is it, Loki?” He asked.

“I-” Loki stopped, licking his lips, eyes darting to Odin's face for a moment, shaking his head as if unable to speak, his face paling. Odin looked at him in concern.

“Loki, are you well?” He asked.

“I-” Loki repeated and began chewing on his lip. “I can't. I _can't_.”

“Can't what, my boy?” Odin asked as Loki continued to shake his head, eyes fixed behind him at the festival. “You're nervous,” Odin realized. Loki flushed, eyes flicking to the ground.

“I'm sorry,” he said, shaking his head. Odin sighed and placed his hands on Loki's shoulders.

“Don't apologize. Take a moment,” Odin replied, squeezing Loki's shoulders a little. “What are you afraid of, Loki?”

“Nothing,” Loki said too quickly. The boy was tense, his posture turned in on itself, like he was trying to hide, or protect himself from the impending future. Odin watched him before nodding.

“Would you like to go back to the inn?” Odin asked. Loki shook his head. “Are you saying that because you don't wish to go back, or because you are afraid of displeasing me?” He asked and Loki didn't meet his eyes. Odin closed his eye a moment. “Loki,” he said. “Do not misunderstand me. I wish for this to be a time of discovery for you. I wish for you to learn what Asgard cannot teach you, but I cannot— _will_ not—force you to enjoy what you are afraid of. Do not do this to please me, or your mother, or even Thor. If you are not ready, then we will wait.”

Loki clenched and unclenched his hands a few times before shaking his head. “I just- I'm sorry,” he whispered and Odin heard his voice shake.

“Come,” Odin said firmly and placed a hand on Loki's shoulder. “Let us walk back to the inn. We are here for several days and the festival will not suddenly vanish. We have time, Loki.”

Loki gave a jerky nod and let Odin lead him away, not stumbling, but tense. Odin kept a firm grip on Loki's shoulder, watching him out of the corner of his eye. Loki was crying, his lips pressed together and bringing a hand up to quickly wipe away any wetness.

Odin was at a loss of what to do. Emotions and comforting had always been Frigga's area of expertise, and Loki was very clearly trying not to make a scene. Odin waited until the festival was far behind him before stopping and turning towards Loki, seeing the redness in his eyes before Loki looked at the ground. He had no idea what to say to Loki, what he even _wanted_ to say.

Instead, he did the next most reasonable thing and pulled out a handkerchief. “It is alright if you are not ready yet,” he said, handing it to Loki. “And not everyone knows their limits. Or, rather,” he amended as Loki looked up at him, “many men know their limits, but few truly listen to their limits and try to push themselves.” He waited for Loki to wipe his eyes hurriedly before continuing “I am proud of you for listening to your limits, Loki. It is important and we are not in a rush.”

Loki looked up at him again, eyes wide and threatening to spill over again. “You-” he said. “ _Really_?”

“Of course,” Odin said and raised his eyebrows. “Now, let us return to the inn, perhaps take some more tea, and we will decide what to do with the rest of our day.”

Loki only nodded, swallowing, and let Odin lead the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY THIS IS SO LATE, I SWEAR I'M ALRIGHT. I've been kinda bluh about writing lately and my main fandom seems to be switching from Marvel to Undertale. *shrugs.* Still, I'm not gonna abandon this, so don't worry! I'll keep at it!
> 
> This chapter is written in Odin's POV. I want to make it so that Odin is actually trying to help Loki, but I'm not sure if I'm writing him right yet. Feedback would be deeply appreciated!
> 
> Okay, as a little side not, the little tarts were an idea had when RenneMicheals commented and asked about the food Frigga had packed for Odin and Loki. I thought it was too adorable to pass up!


	30. In which the author is sorry for making everyone wait three months for an update

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU FOR WAITING SO PATIENTLY, I'M OKAY AND I LOVE YOU ALL!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own marvel  
> Claimer: I own Angrboda, the blacksmith, and the smol blue bean child.

It was humiliating, Loki thought, to be forced away from something by so little a thing such as panic. Although Odin had said that he was _proud_ of Loki for listening to his limits, he didn't know if he quite believed him. Odin's hand was still on his shoulder and as they walked, a small blue child zoomed by them, laughing and chasing a butterfly. Loki looked over his shoulder at zim, noticing when the child slowed as the butterfly few upwards. The child turned and began skipping back up the road, but paused when ze saw Loki watching zim.

For a moment, Loki and the child made eye contact. Zir light brown hair had been done up into a braid at some point, little white and blue flowers braided in. However, zir hair was so curly that the flowers appeared to be getting lost, and the braid was coming undone.

The child blinked at Loki and grinned suddenly, trotting after them and pushing zir hair behind an ear.

“Father,” Loki said, turning forward again. “There's a child following us.”

“Hmm?” Odin glanced at her and stopped, turning to look back at the child, who also stopped. “Hello there,” Odin said. “Who are you?”

The child blinked and tilted zir head to the side. “What happened to your eye?” Ze asked.

“It was taken out by an enemy,” Odin said.

“Does it _hurt_?” The child asked.

“It did, once,” Odin said. “But no longer.” The child nodded slowly and shuffled forward, glancing at Loki.

“You're crying,” ze said, trying to catch his eye. “Are you _hurt_?” When Loki didn't reply, the child came closer. “Huh? Did someone hurt you? Someone _mean_?”

“My child is not feeling well,” Odin said and Loki shot him a thankful look.

“Oh,” the child said and shuffled forward, sticking a finger in zir mouth. “Is it a tummy-ache? I get tummy-aches, but my dam says that's because I eat too many sweets. Do you like sweets?” Loki didn't reply. “Would you like some sweetmints?”

Loki looked at the child and frowned. The child reached into zir pocket and pulled out a handful of small, flat-ish square candies. “Here!” Ze said and held out zir hand. Blinking, Loki extended a hand, letting the child drop the gift into his palm.

The child continued to look up at Loki, an expectant look on zir face, red eyes blinking. With a small sigh, Loki took one of the sweets and popped it into his mouth. The child broke out into a wide smile and bounced on the balls of zir feet. “Do you feel better?” Ze asked. “Sweetmints _always_ make me feel better when I'm sad. Unless I have a tummy-ache!” The child giggled.

“Thank you,” Loki said and put the rest of the candies into his pocket. The child smiled, but tilted zir head again.

“Are you going to the festival?” Ze asked.

“We will,” Odin said. “Later on.”

The child looked like ze wanted to say more, but was interrupted as another child shrieked out “Igri! We're gonna start a game!”

The child—named Igri, Loki assumed—looked past them and grinned. “Okay!” Ze shouted back and ran off, turning and waving, calling back “Feel better soon!”

Loki smiled a little and lifted a hand in farewell to the child. His smile faded a little and he hesitated. Odin watched him. “Loki?” He prompted.

“I think,” Loki said after a few moments, “that I would like to try again. Going to the festival, I mean.”

Odin raised his eyebrows. “Oh? So soon?” Loki nodded and Odin considered him. “As you say, then,” he said. “But if you feel you are getting overwhelmed again, we will move away to a quieter part of the festival. Is that acceptable?”

Loki nodded and swallowed. “It is.”

“Good,” Odin said and took his hand from Loki's shoulder. “Thank you, Loki. Come along, then.”

* * *

There were stalls where people were selling food and drink, as well as stalls for scarves and jewelry and other wares. People were dancing in a large field, a band or sorts playing, people clapping along and laughing. As Odin had mentioned, there were places where people were telling stories. Children ran around, ducking through the crowds and between dancers to continue their games. A blue child ran past Loki, shrieking with laughter as three other children took chase.

Loki felt a bit foolish, following Odin around like a child, but no one seemed to look twice at it. As he looked around the crowd, he noticed elves and—surprisingly—vanir making their way through the festival as well.

Every so often, Odin would pause at a stand to point something out to Loki. Beads, herbs, incense, and other things, until they paused at a stand with decorated knifes.

“Ceremonial,” Odin explained as Loki picked up one of the smaller knives. “Or else meant for potion making and spell casting. The jotnar tend to work more with rune-magic rather than incantations.”

“I see,” Loki said, flipping the knife over in his hands and taking another, longer knife.

“That one is a ceremonial knife,” the owner of the stand said, making Loki startle. “Oh! My apologies,” the jotun said as Loki quickly put the knife down again. “I did not mean to startle you.”

“I'm fine, thank you,” Loki said. “What were you saying about the knife?”

The jotun—a blacksmith perhaps?—smiled and picked up the knife Loki had discarded. “It's a ceremonial knife,” ze repeated. “Meant for sacrifices. You can tell by the curved blade. Most hunting knives have a straight blade and are less decorated. Throwing knives on the other hand, are double-edged.”

“Yes, those are the ones I use,” Loki said, nodding. “What's the metal?”

The jotun handed the knife back to Loki to let him get a closer look. “Moonbronze,” ze replied. “It's unusual for that sort of blade, since you can only find the metal on Alfheim. On Jotunheim, metal is rarely used because it freezes and becomes more brittle. Iron-wood is used more often in Jotunheim, but most blades are formed with ice. Only ceremonial and certain other blades are actual metal.”

“What is... iron-wood?” Loki asked, looking up from the knife. The jotun chuckled.

“It's a type of wood, actually,” ze said. “But with a little spellwork, it can be used like metal. The jotnar are the only ones in all the Realms who know how to use it.” Ze looked proud and pulled out a knife from zir own belt. “ _This_ is ironwood.”

Loki peered at the blade. It was dark grey in color and didn't shine like most knives. The base was almost black.

“You see?” Ze said. “The entire knife is ironwood, but only the blade has had work done on it. It does not gleam like other knives, making it good for using in daylight without being too noticeable.”

“ _Fascinating_ ,” Loki said as ze put the iron-wood blade away. He asked more questions about the different knives and the jotun seemed delighted to share zir knowledge. In the end, Loki purchased a small knife meant for rune-work and made his leave.

It was only then that he realized Odin had wandered off without him. Groaning, Loki went off in search for him.

After twenty minutes when he _still_ couldn't find him, Loki began to realize he was getting hungry. With a sigh, he put his search on hold and paused at a food stand. The jotun—albino, he was surprised to find, with white skin and violet eyes rather than the usual red—leaning against the counter was looking extremely bored until Loki walked up, looking at the food listings.

“Well hello there,” the jotun said, smiling and twirling a lock of hair around zir finger. “What can I get for you, _valkur_?”

Loki looked back up at the listings and replied “I can't say I recognize any of these.”

The jotun perked up and said “Ah! Visiting from afar, hmm? Never fear. Everything on the listings is quite delicious, but if you'd like a suggestion...” Ze leaned in, forcing Loki to do the same. “...I recommend the olangil. It's a type of mushroom stew with various spices, but it's quite mind and filling. It's one of my _favorites_.”

“I'll try that then,” Loki decided. The jotun got up and picked up a bowl, heading over to one of the large vats of stew. A moment later, ze returned and handed him the bowl with some bread.

“You use the bread to scoop up the stew,” ze explained. “Watch out, it's a little hot.”

Loki tried some. It was good, but there was an oddly sweet back-taste. Seeing his surprise, the jotun smiled.

“Sweet, hmm? There's honey mixed in. Do you like it?”

Loki took another bite. Now that he was expecting the sweetness, it was rather good. “Yes,” he said. “It's... definitely interesting.”

The jotun laughed and said “You'll be licking the bowl before you know it,” ze said and leaned against the counter again with a smile that reminded him vaguely of Fandral. “My name is Angrboda, by the way. I'll be free a little later if you'd like to meet up and I can show you the best part of this fair.”

Loki felt a smile creep it's way onto his face and he said “Don't push your luck, darling.”

The jotun laughed again and said “Well, if you ever change your mind, you can always come find me.” Ze winked. “Have a lovely day, _valkur_.”

“You as well,” Loki said and started his search for Odin again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SO SORRY FOR NOT UPDATING, YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME AND I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU.
> 
> Seriously, thanks for waiting. I know it's been waaaay too long, but I'M STILL HERE and I'm still writing this! Now I'm graduated, I have even more time to write! Whoo-hoo!
> 
> Thank you to the people who left comments and kudos. Special thanks to the ones who left longer comments, though; you don't have to bare your soul to me, or tell me how much you love this fic, but you do it anyway and I want y'all to know that it doesn't go unnoticed and it doesn't go unappreciated. I won't say any names, but you know who you are. Thank you.
> 
> I still don't have a regular update schedule, but I'm going to try not to be so long this time. Sorry again!
> 
> Thank you to Teckmonky on DeviantArt for making fanart for this fic! The fanart can be found [here](http://teckmonky.deviantart.com/art/To-Speak-Loki-603174204)!


	31. Jeeez, has it really been a whole year?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Loki dances, and Odin is proud of his son.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel.

“Loki, I'm moving on now,” Odin said and Loki hummed in reply. Satisfied, Odin turned and walked off.

When he turned around next, he realized Loki wasn't following him and he sighed, looking through the crowd surrounding him. _Damn,_ he thought and ran a hand over his beard. Loki had likely gotten distracted by the knives and hadn't even _heard_ him.

Sighing, Odin started to make his way back over to the blacksmith, only to find that Loki had already left. Odin closed his eye and calmed himself for a moment, trying not to feel too irritated with his son. _Loki is an adult,_ he reminded himself. _He knows where we are staying and is not completely helpless_.

Encouraged by that thought, Odin wandered through the crowd again, keeping a lookout for Loki, but otherwise trying to enjoy himself. It was difficult, what with the small ball of worry in his chest. If he was completely honest, he was more irritated with himself than with Loki; of course, Loki would be fine. For Norns sake, he had been in _battle_ before, there was really no _need_ for the little ball of worry to be in Odin's stomach.

_He even has the key to his room if he so needed to go back,_ he thought. Still, he continued his search, silently praying Loki wouldn't get into trouble.

It wasn't even that Loki _caused_ trouble. He had a knack for finding it and bringing it to himself, much to Odin's chagrin. Odin was just thinking this over when he saw a familiar figure sitting and eating something from a small bowl.

Ah. _There_ he was. Odin walked over and said “ _There_ you are. I was afraid you'd run off.”

Loki looked up and swallowed his food before saying indignantly “'Run off'? You left me by the knives!”

Odin sighed and sat down. “No, I _distinctly_ said I was moving on. You even replied!”

“Did I?” Loki asked, frowning and scooping the last of whatever-he'd-been-eating with some bread and popping it into his mouth.

“ _Yes_ , you did,” Odin said. Loki chewed slowly, looking skeptical.

“Oh really?” He said after he'd swallowed. “Did I _say_ something in reply? Because I think I would have remembered that.”

“Alright, you _acknowledged_ my words,” Odin said. Loki smiled smugly and looked down at his bowl.

“I'm going to go return this,” he said, standing. “I'll be back.”

“Very well,” Odin said and Loki moved off again. When he returned, he was bowl-less, but frowning. Odin raised an eyebrow. “Something the matter, Loki?” He asked.

“What in Hel's name does 'valkur' mean?” He asked, sounding frankly bewildered. Odin's eyebrows rose.

“It's a term of endearment, usually meaning 'darling' or 'sweetheart',” he replied. “It is generally used either between mates or for flirtation.”

“I see,” Loki said. He suddenly seemed more interested in something over to his left, a flush creeping up his neck. Odin smiled inwardly and gave a soft chuckle. Going by the rising flush, Loki had heard him.

“Well, nevermind that now,” Loki said. “What were you doing?”

“Looking for you,” Odin said. “But I wish to watch the dancers for some time. Come find me when you wish to return to the inn.”

He left Loki, assured now that he knew his son was well. As he approached the dance ring, a few jotnar moved aside to make room for him. He thanked them and sat, ending up next to a mated pair, one of whom was with child.

They introduced themselves to him as Ostithi and Vithla. Vithla was expecting zir child in only a few months, and Odin gave them his congratulations.

They spoke about the dancers and the celebrations, then turned to more personal talk. Odin explained he was there with his son and they smiled.

“We’ve lived here our whole lives,” Vithla said. “Ostithi has family in Jotunheim, and they occasionally come for celebrations, but given the current situation in Jotunheim, they couldn’t get away.”

Odin frowned at that and leaned in. “The ‘current situation’?” He asked. Ostithi looked surprised.

“You mean you haven’t heard?” Ze said. Ze glanced around and leaned in. “There’s been argument about which of Laufey’s children should take the throne. Laufey apparently left the throne to Helbindi, but many support Byleist—the elder—taking it instead.”

“There’s also talk about that second son of Odin Allfather’s,” Vithla added. “As he defeated Laufey, he has some claim to it as well.” Ze shook zir head. “It’s all a mess. Neither of us are particularly interested in politics, but… Well, we wonder how it’s going to turn out.”

Odin nodded thoughtfully. He should tell Loki what was happening, but just as he started forming what he would say, the boy reappeared again. Odin looked up at him and smiled. “Ah, there you are,” he said and turned to his newfound companions. “Loki, this is Ostithi and Vithla.”

“Greetings,” Vithla said, smiling as Ostithi got up to make more room on the bench. “You’ll pardon me for not moving very much in my condition,” Vithla continued as Loki stared slightly. “What,” ze said when Loki finally looked up at zir, embarrassed for getting caught in his staring. “Never seen an expectant jotun before?”

Loki licked his lips. “I can’t say I have,” he said. Ostithi laughed.

“This is to be our second child,” ze said, putting an arm around Vithla. “Our first is Reann, ze’s out on the dancefloor there with zir partner. In the pink, there.”

Loki and Odin looked, but Loki seemed distracted with a pretty-looking young jotun came over and said “Hello again, _valkur_. Might I have this dance?”

Ze flashed Loki a smile, offering a little bow and an inviting hand. Loki’s eyes widened and he glanced at Odin with a look of panic in his eyes.

“I- I’, afraid I don’t know this dance,” he said apologetically. The jotun laughed.

“Then I must simply _teach_ you,” ze said. Loki looked once again to Odin, who smiled and raised his eyebrows, neither agreeing nor disapproving of it.

“I suppose you will,” Loki said, relenting at last, and the jotun’s smile grew as Loki accepted zir hand, leading him to the dancefloor, just as the last dance was ending. Odin watched the young jotun teach Loki what to do, waving zir hands as they explained.

When the music started, they stumbled a little, and Odin could almost hear the young jotun’s laughter. But, eventually, Loki got the hang of it and soon, the casual viewer wouldn’t even have been able to tell that Loki had just learned it a few minutes before.

He seemed nervous, Odin thought to himself. But he also seemed to be enjoying himself.

He looked _happy_.

Odin smiled to himself as Vithla leaned over. “He’s quick to catch on,” ze said. “He must be very clever, you must be very proud.”

“I am,” Odin said, looking out at his son once more, noticing Loki’s laughter as his dancing partner slipped up zimself. “I most certainly am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy. Shit. Wow, okay, so it's been a while. Sorry about that! A few things to note: First of all, my writing style has somewhat changed in the past year. Second of all, it's been A YEAR since I've even thought about this fic. Double sorry for that! I was going through some personal shit, and my special interest changed a few times from Marvel to Undertale to, now, Assassin's Creed. So... yeah.
> 
> Thirdly, since it's been a while since I've even thought about this fic, I've forgotten somewhat where I was going with it. I fortunately still have all the documents I filled with ideas and stuff, but updates are going to be sporadic, especially since I'm working on something at the moment.
> 
> IF THERE'S ANY CONTINUITY ERRORS, PLEASE BLAME IT ON THE FACT THAT I HAVEN'T WORKED ON THIS IN A REALLY LONG TIME! I really hate rereading my old writing, but I at least glanced over the entire fic again so I at least had an idea of what I was doing. I really don't like leaving things unfinished. I don't know how many chapters are after this, but I DO want to follow the original storyline I was going with.
> 
> Thank you guys so much for the kudos and comments! I'm amazed when people still find this fic. Y'all are AWESOME!


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the plot thickens. :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel. As usual.

Loki somehow ended up spending the whole day with Angrboda. He wasn’t sure how it had happened; one moment they were dancing, and then another moment, ze had wanted to show him something. That “something” had ended up being the entire village.

“As you’re visiting, I want to make sure you see as much of our town as you can,” ze said, taking him by the hand and leading on.

In many ways, Loki was a little surprised to find how much like the rest of Alfheim the town was; there were wide streets and shops in the thick of it; mostly empty since most were at the festival. In other ways, the buildings were completely foreign to him, the way they seemed to flow from one to the other. He was expecting the town to be somewhat primitive. Looking around now, he wasn’t quite sure why.

It didn’t remind him of Jotunheim at all, what little he’d seen of it. There, the buildings were in ruins, ice formed in the cracks. Where Jotunheim had seemed hostile, this place seemed more welcoming. More _open_.

“Not that I don’t appreciate it, but why are you showing me all this?” He asked. Angrboda looked over zir shoulder at him.

“What do you think of it?” ze asked.

“It’s lovely,” he replied. Ze smiled.

“According to some of the elders, the whole of Jotunheim used to look like this. Well, _bigger_ , but similar. But the war took its toll on the cities, and they are without the resources, or even the _will_ now, to rebuild.”

“…Why are you telling me this?” Loki asked. Angrboda twisted a lock of hair around zir finger, biting at zir lip.

“I don’t know,” ze admitted at last. “Perhaps because most who come here expect us to be primitive and uncultured.” Ze looked back at him. “But let me tell you this; whatever culture we have came originally from Jotunheim. It may have twisted a little over the years, the Elves have influenced us a bit, but most of what we have is the last of Jotunheim.

“I go to Jotunheim still, even now. They have little to trade with anyone now; there is nothing on Jotunehim. Laufey ran the resources dry. Some of it is Odin Allfather’s fault. Some of it is Laufey’s own. Regardless…” Ze turned to look at Loki, and took his hands. “Don’t judge us so harshly, your Highness. Desperate people can be made monstrous, but we in and of ourselves are not monsters.”

Loki’s eyes widened. How had ze known? Had he slipped? Had something happened? He pulled his hands away and backed up, ready to pull a weapon out. Angrobda lifted zir hands, backing away a few steps. “I have no plans on hurting you, Prince Loki,” ze said. “But please. Be careful. I offer you a warning. There are those who would like to get rid of you for your claim on the throne of Jotunheim. There is enough civil war in Jotunheim as it is.

“I offer an insight. The only thing that can save that Realm now is the Casket of Ancient Winters. If Byleistr takes the throne, all might be saved; ze would be a good and righteous ruler, kind but strict. But if Helblindi were to take the throne… Then it would be disaster. Either way, the Realm cannot be allowed to die as a whole.”

“What do you want me to do about it?” Loki asked, glancing behind him. There was no one around.

“I ask nothing of you.” Ze lowered zir hands, a saddened look on zir face. “Nothing at all. Simply that you watch your back. Both princes of Jotunheim have their informants. If you are not careful and do not watch yourself, trouble may befall you, _valkur_.”

Loki swallowed. “So, this is a warning?” Ze nodded.

“Yes. Now come, allow me to take you back to the festival.” Angrboda held out zir hand for him to take, zir smile returning. “There is a mulled wine that you simply _must_ try.”

Hesitantly, Loki accepted zir hand again, and allowed himself to be taken back to the fray of music and people. The way Angrboda acted, it was as if their grim conversation had never happened. Ze led him to a stand where they were selling some mulled wine, and Loki tasted it. Indeed, it was very delicious. _Thor would enjoy this,_ he thought, and bought a bottle to take home to his brother. It was mixed with spices and other fruits, and was warmed to bring out the sweetness.

Another dance started playing, and Angrboda looked up. “Care for another dance before I go?” Ze asked. Loki nodded and put his things down before ze pulled him onto the dancefloor.

Put your hand in mine,” ze instruced. “The other one should... Yes, exactly.”

The music started and off they went, Loki just barely able to keep up with the outrageously fast pace. But once Loki got the movements down, he discovered it _was_ rather simple. A few flowers fell out of Angrboda's hair as they danced, but ze didn't seem to notice, zir eyes focused on Loki instead. Loki found himself smiling again.

A crack of thunder made everyone jump and a moment later, buckets of rain began to pour down, causing people to run to take cover. Angrboda grabbed Loki's hand and pulled them under a free canopy, laughing all the while.

“Well, that was a rude interruption,” ze said, pushing zir wet hair out of zir face. Ze were grinning as ze leaned in to press a kiss to Loki's cheek. “But thank you for the dance, Loki.” Ze pulled back. “They will be closing the festival shortly, due to the rain. But perhaps I could see you again tomorrow?”

“Um...” Loki blinked, bewildered. “I... perhaps?”

Angrboda laughed again and pressed a kiss to his other cheek. “Until then, _valkur_.” Ze backed up, and held out a hand, a delicate flower forming from ice between zir fingers. Ze handed it to Loki with a wink before turning and walking off, vanishing into the crowd and leaving behind a bewildered Loki.

-

The talk of politics returned to Loki that night as she lied in bed, staring at the flower Angrboda had given her. It seemed to glow blue, just a little, but a quick spell had detected no harmful magic. With a sigh, she turned onto her back. The rain had stopped sometime before she’d gone to bed.

Helblindi and Byleistr. Loki had thought of them from time to time, but never more than for a fleeting moment. _My… siblings_. The thought left a bad taste in her mouth. _Thor_ was her brother, the only sibling she needed. The only sibling she _wanted_ , certainly.

More than the politics, she wanted to know how Angrboda had known who she was. Had it truly been that obvious? And why tell her about Jotunheim?

Well. _That_ was fairly obvious. She _had_ tried to destroy the entire Realm. Guilt settled between Loki’s ribs and she sat up with a sigh, pushing her hair out of her face.

More than that, did Angrboda know she was a jotun?

 _Ze might have,_ she thought. _Laufey certainly didn’t seem surprised that I was one, just that I was zir son._ The thought was a little terrifying. In that case, had _everyone_ she had met thus far known, and just hadn’t said anything?

She sighed and looked down at her hands, sitting in her lap carelessly. Holding them up, she tried to make them change. All it took was a little concentration. Soon, the unfamiliar blue washed over them, lighter markings running up and down them. Loki inspected them, turning them over as her eyes traced the lines, wondering if they meant anything. Perhaps they had something to do with lineage?

 _You have your mother's face scars and your father's leg scars,_ Loki jokingly thought until she remembered that Laufey had recognized her almost at once. _“Ah. The bastard son.”_

Clenching his jaw and swallowing, Loki willed his arms to turn pale again, letting them drop into his lap. Perhaps Odin could explain the markings?

 _I'm so tired,_ she thought and rubbed at her eyes again, sighing. Worrying about Laufey wouldn't help anyone— _least_ of all her—but for some reason, it was harder than usual for her to clear her mind. She thought about waking Odin, but quickly dismissed the idea; it was late and he wouldn't appreciate being woken, especially just for something as trivial as not being able to sleep.

Loki ran her fingers through her hair and got up to pour himself a glass of water from the pitcher on the dresser, then dressed. _I might as well take a walk,_ she thought and grabbed her cloak. She made his way silently through the in before taking a step outside and taking a deep breath. The moon was high and the sky was littered with stars, lighting the path clearly.

It was quiet, Loki thought, save for the soft noises of night-birds and bugs that followed her even into the town. No one else was walking around and the shops were closed. Loki focused on the night sky, or the lightning bugs that glowed around her, and occasionally losing himself in her thoughts.

So lost in her mind was she that she hardly noticed when a humming voice filled the air around her, jumping when a deep voice said, “That's a heavy expression for one as young as you.”

Loki whipped around to see a large jotun sitting in front of a store, puffing on a pipe and watching him with calm eyes. “But then,” ze continued, “I find that most thoughts that pull folks from their bed at such a late hour are heavy, troubling ones.”

“I'm sorry to have disturbed you,” Loki said, unsure of what else to reply with. “I didn't see you there.”

The jotun quirked zir lips a little. “Lost in thought like that, I'm surprised you could see the path in front of you.” Ze paused then and tilted zir head. “Either way, you've not disturbed me. Although something seems to be disturbing you?”

Loki was unsure whether it was an invitation or not, so she shook her head. “I just can't get my mind to shut off, I'm afraid.”

“Aye, it happens to the best of us,” the jotun replied, nodding slowly. “And sometimes on the worst of nights.” Ze tipped zir head to the chair next to zim. “Care to join me?”

“I don't smoke,” Loki said, shaking her head. The jotun raised an eyebrow and made a slight noise of what could be disapproval before taking one last puff on zir pipe, then freezing the end and putting out the flame, setting the pipe aside and giving Loki a half bored, half expectant look. Hesitantly, Loki moved forward and perched herself on the edge of the chair.

“I won't ask you what's wrong,” the jotun said. “Frankly, I don't give a damn, and it isn’t any of my business anyway. But I could use some company, and company is hard to find at this time of the day.”

Loki snorted, amused despite herself. _At least ze's honest,_ she thought. They sat in silence, the jotun staring up at the sky. Loki watched zim out of the corner of her eye until ze said “Spit it out, child.”

“What?” Loki said, startled into looking at zim. The jotun snorted.

“You've got a question,” ze said. “I can practically hear you not say them. Spit it out already, won't you?”

Loki thought for a moment before blurting out, “What do the lines mean?”

The jotun huffed out a laugh. “They're lineage lines,” ze replied. “Inherited through the birth-giver's line. They're also a form of status and identification.” Ze looked at Loki and continued “There are several different kinds of marks. Swirls, angles, and lines, although they can be paired with various accents, like dots or claws.” Ze turned to face Loki then and held out an arm. It was covered with triangular markings that fit into each other like teeth. Spots of various sizes lined several of the markings.

“For instance,” ze said. “ _I_ have mostly angles that fit in together, accented with dots.” Ze let Loki look over the markings before folding zir arm into zir lap again. “It's probably the most prominent form of identification, although the ranking bit of the marks don't matter much around here.”

“Ranking?” Loki asked, blinking. The jotun grinned.

“Aye,” ze said, nodding. “On Jotunheim, swirls indicate nobility, angles indicate hunters and the like, and lines indicate artisans or stonemasons and the like. Working class. Smalls usually wanted to become priests, but they were given more leeway to become whatever they liked. All trades welcome Smalls if they're clever enough to fit in.” Ze sighed and shook zir head. “But that was before Laufey took control. After that tyrant-beast took power from Farbauti, Smalls were all but cast out of the Realm, and those closest or most loyal to Laufey became the new nobility.”

Loki looked away, frowning a little. “Who was Farbauti? I've only heard a little about zim.”

The jotun looked at Loki in surprise. “Who is _Farbauti_? Child, Farbauti is the rightful ruler of Jotunheim! Ze gave birth to one child, Byleistr, and _ze_ should be the only Heir to the throne, not that bastard of Laufey's. Helblindi Nalborn has no right to the throne, no matter what anyone else believes. Unfortunately, Laufey made it clear that zir favorite is Helblindi, who's 'a proper sized jotun,' unlike Byleistr, who, like Farbauti was, is a Small. I swear, the only reason Byleistr wasn't cast out of the Realm with the other Smalls is because ze's got Ymir's crown and is instantly recognizable.”

“A crown?” Loki asked, frowning. The jotun waved a hand.

“Markings on the forehead. Usually, a crown consists of one half-circle. Most nobility of old had a crown, since it was most popular with the swirled markings. _Ymir's_ crown has an extra half-circle, with two lines heading parallel to each other up the middle of the head, like so,” ze said and imitated the lines on zir own forehead. Loki's stomach dropped.

 _I have those markings,_ she thought. Aloud, she said, “I see.”

The jotun watched her for a moment before leaning in a little “There was a rumor, long long ago,” ze said, “of _another_ born of Farbauti, just before the end of the war. Rumor had it Laufey killed that child, but no evidence was ever found.”

“ _Was_ there?” Loki asked, trying to sound like her heart _hadn’t_ just stopped. The jotun eyes Loki for a moment before looking back out at the sky.

“Let me share with you a word of knowledge,” ze said. “Helblindi is a beast of a jotun, but it is said he has both strength _and_ seidr, and not a drop of compassion in zir blood.”

Loki blinked. “I-” he hesitated. “I don't understand.”

The jotun rolled zir eyes and muttered something to zimself. “It is said that Ymir—the first jotun in our legends—had all three qualities that the jotnar prize most: strength of character, strength of seidr, and physical strength. Now, all other jotnar have one or two of these qualities, but never three. Most jotnar have character and one other trait, be it strength or seidr, so folks are understandably wary when a jotun appears to have both strength and seidr. Follow along?”

“Ahh,” Loki said. “Yes, I understand now.”

The jotun nodded, appearing satisfied, and stood. “One more thing before I depart, Loki,” ze said and Loki's eyes snapped up to zim. “I suggest you try not to wander too far when it is no longer light out. Goodnight.”

Loki said nothing, but stared after the jotun as ze rounded the corner. As ze vanished, Loki realized with a sinking stomach that she never told zim her name.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO, I've had to rethink then entire plot for this, and I don't have all of it planned out yet, but I got a sudden burst of inspiration, so I just started tapping this out. I've actually had the scene between Loki and the large Jotun for a long-frigging-time. To be totally honest, it's one of my favorite interactions.
> 
> Also, the thing about the Jotnar having two out of strength, character, and seidr comes from PeaceHeather, whom I'm sure I've mentioned before. I asked her if I could use it, although that was a year and a half ago, so I doubt she remembers now. Regardless, thank you!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has left kudos and comments! Also, a shoutout to RICKY (Teckmonky)!! She commented on this when I was still updating regularly, and since then, she's become one of my best friends! Yay for Ricky! Yay for friendship! And YAY to this update! Happy Holidays to everyone who's kept up with this so far, and I wish you all a Happy New Year! Here's to 2018!!
> 
> Concerns? Questions? Leave a comment! I appreciate each and every one of them that fly by!


End file.
